A day in the life of my process

I have moved!! Link enclosed

2006-06-24T17:11:00.000-04:00

http://newagemommyof4.immotive.com/ This is the new address to my blog. I will not be using this blog anymore. My husband was kind enough to figure out a way to import everything from this blog and started a brand new one for me with all of the capabilities I had been looking for. Yay, I do have an awesome husband-what would I do without him! :) In Appreciation, D~

I'm Back!

2006-06-24T12:08:00.000-04:00

We had a great time. i don't have time to post, because we're off to a birthday party. I will hopefully post tonight about our fun vacation. In Appreciation, D~

preparing for fun

2006-06-20T08:41:00.000-04:00

ok, if I am preparing for fun, then why am I in such a grumpy mood? Lets see if we can change that with some journaling. The kids are really effecting my mood today. And actually they don't have to do much to bring out angry feelings in me. What's up? It doesn't really matter, all that matters is that I want to get into a better place. I don't have all that much to get done today, so I know it's not that. I just need to get some bills in the mail, tidy up, and pack. There's plenty of time to pack, because we can get on the road anytime we like. Check in is at 4pm. Last year we arrived around 1pm and they let us check in early. I was thinking of getting on the road around their nap time, in hopes the twins will fall asleep. I will have all day and all morning to pack. I picked up lots of food to bring. We thought this year, we'd save money and eat breakfast and possibly lunch in the room. We get a fridge. They have a big buffet where kids eat free, but the adults are 20 bucks a piece, and a pizza hut. I remember last year we were pizza-d out. The buffet hours are later than when my kids are used to eating. The outlook for the weather seems a lot better than it did a few days ago, it went from 60% showeres to only 20-30%. The twins still are boogery, but do seem to be feeling better. I thought I might be getting it, but I am feeling fine. Gavin is healthy, Sean is healthy and even Brianna's ears were clear. I have been lazy. No homeschooling yesterday. Except art co op. Robin was host, but at my house. She brought these stained glass things for the kids to paint, all of my kids painted at least 2 of them. We had quite a few missing, but it was nice, I was in the mood for a smaller group. My friend and her daughter stayed the entire day with me, which was nice. I had an adult to talk to, not just an adult but a good friend. One of the mom's caught me off guard and asked if her child could stay for a few hours. I wasn't actually in the place where I wanted to watch any extra kids, and also my kids don't seem to play all that much with this child. It went well. Ok, my kids were cranky and were treating their friends very nicely. I think I handled it well. Sometimes stuff like that can get me churning inside, in a bad way. I never like to see my friends or their children getting rough treatment from mine. Sometimes I worry that they won't want to hang out with us anymore. I was able to fend those irrational feelings off. I stayed calm. I did good. After the friends left, I spoke with my kids about how they were behaving and let them know they were hurting other's feelings. They seemed to get it, and Brianna said she wanted to apologize the next time she saw her friends. Last week at a friends birthday celebration, we started to talk about another get together. One of our friends is moving away. It came together for tonight at my house. I am making my taco dip-at her request, and a yummy fruit dip. Also making some tropical drinks. Some friends are bringing-fondue pots and making yummy cheese dips. I am really looking forward to tonight, we'll laugh together, play some games and eat yummy food. It'll be a quieter way for us to say goodbye to our free spirit, fun friend. She doesn't know this, but there's a surprise bridal party being held for her next monday night. However it will be larger, tonight there will just be 5 or 6 of us. I hope I find the time today to make her something. I don't know what yet, but I have been feeling like I'd like to make her something special. I think I will suggest that we let her decide what she wants to do tonight, like she can pick out the games, the music etc..Tonight is also my friend's birthday, so we'll celebrate her too, even though she says she's birthday'ed out. She'll get to pick a game too. It's going to be fun..i feel like a little kids all excited-gosh I am a geek. Then tomorrow we're off to nick hotel. The kids are very excited about it. I am too. This time we'll have the suite that will fit our family- three bedrooms, living room and mini kitchen! Perfect. Sean and I will sleep on a comfortable bed, Bri & Gavin will have the fun decorated room and Hayden and Keegan will have cribs in their room. This year will be even easier, the twins are swimming with floaties on their own, Gavin is swimming on his own, and he's taller so they won't give him hassles about the slides, and Sean and I will be able to relax more. Last year, when the kids went on the slides, whoever was left with the twins, had their work cut out for them. This year, much easier. All of the kids will love the character breakfast even more than last year, because they watch the shows. We'll do the family double dare show. We know the ins and outs now that we have gone. At night time when the kids are sleeping, Sean and I can relax, play games, cuddle and have fun. I think it's what we need, just to get out of our environment and recharge a bit. All of us have been enjoying water-so this will be perfect. I am feeling much better in regards to the twins sicknesses-so I am glad I went to the doctors. I am really getting lined back up for this trip. I felt conflicted a couple of days ago. It's funny the last 5 days I keep pulling the fairy vacation card. Very fitting. I have pulled Eireen three days in a row. I just love her. Yesterday, I pulled her, Mary Magdalene :unconditional love, and Aeracura:blossoming Fairy cards were Problem resolved and Happily ever after My tarot cards from yesterday was interesting. I didn't get any hits at first. I had my pendulem out because I was asking my higher self questions about going on the trip. I kept getting We should go on our vacation. Anyhow, I got the hanged man, the four of stones and five of cups.. Five of cups, was regarding my feelings of disappointment over the way things were coming together with the trip-the twins being sick, the weather looking bad etc. As I held the pendulem, it came to me that the four of stones represented my children, and the hanged man urged me to focus on all of their unique qualities. Very different type of reading, but one I needed to get. I am feeling much better now. It's funny how journaling, can shift one's mood. I am going to pull fresh new cards for today. Very interesting cards for today. I am not comletely in a place to process them right now, lots of distractions. Assess your relationship-interesting.. The law of attraction is the most powerful Universal Law is my friend. Fairy cards Miracle healing Making new friends stand your ground i got the messages quickly from the fairy cards.. Goddess Kali Ending and Beginnings Bast independent Butterfly maiden Transformation Mawu Mother earth got some messages from these but not all yet tarot Eight of stones The multiverse and ace of cups. Didn't get a hit for these yet, will focus on them when it's quieter. Now it's time to get some things done. In appreciation, D~

Sean's father's day

2006-06-19T10:14:00.000-04:00

Good morning. I have managed to get into a better feeling place, which is a relief. Physically, my body is fatigued. I think all of the energy I expended when i was in the bad feeling place, has wiped me out. I am just focusing on taking it easy. Yesterday was father's day. Sean didn't seem to enjoy his day. I felt frustrated at times. The twins have a cold. He was disappointed that are plans to go to the beach as a family were changed, and he decided he didn't want to take the older kids, because it would be too much work. I have to laugh at that. Just Brianna, Gavin and I at the beach, piece of cake! I think though he wanted us to all do something as a family. He's got a right to his disappointment. All morning long, I kept asking him what he wanted to do, to get a gameplan. It felt like I was talking to myself. Finally, I said do you want to go to blockbuster and rent family movies. So he did that. We also planned on having the grandma's over, which I don't think he wanted to do, but felt obligated to do, because it's been over a month since we had them over. All in all, he seemed angry, and I found myself getting pissed because I told him to do whatever he wanted and yet he wouldn't. He said that I was feeling too tired and he couldn't just leave me. I told him if the roles were reversed and I wanted to get out of the house by myself on mother's day and he was tired, I'd still go. He seemed surprised at that. I think I am much better about doing things for myself without feeling guilty. He feels bad, and then won't go because of that. I was feeling really frustrated though. It's like today is your day do whatever you want. I decided that I wasn't going to be the planner of the weekend because it was his weekend. But I found that I had to keep coming up with ideas. Oh well. It's his stuff to work out, not mine, and getting frustrated doesn't really improve the situation. I really wanted him to have a special weekend and it felt like he was disappointed and I was upset that he was disappointed. This morning I told him that if we're all healthy Sunday, we could have a father's day do over. But he didn't seem into the idea. Lets focus on the positives shall we, I surprised him with a spontaneous hour and a half massage wednesday night. He got to sleep late friday, Sat, and Sunday morning. Friday night he went with friends to a movie and dinner. Saturday he took the older kids to andretti, and then later we went to a movie as a family. Saturday night we had a game night and we let the dad's pick the games. I really enjoyed the game night btw. One game did get intense, but afterward we played this really fun, fast paced bean game. I loved it. And I was so grateful that game night happened, because I didn't think it would come together at all! Sunday, I made him breakfast and tea, and he had the option to do whatever he wanted to do. There, I can feel better now. See how nice it is to focus on the positives? Now I just need to do it for my trip and the twins. Ok, long pause just happened and now I'd like to catch up and finish this post. I took the twins to the doctors, and he gave us the go ahead to take the kids on the trip. He said, that Hayden had the beginnings of an ear infection and that Keegan more had a sinus thing going on. So he prescribed them antibiotics and now I feel much more lined up with going. He even checked Brianna's ears and said she was clear. I will write more tomorrow. In Appreciation, D~

Ready to leave release all this heavy stuff

2006-06-17T12:55:00.000-04:00

Seriously, I have been feeling so heavy and serious and sad about things. I am so ready to be done. I want to have some fun. I want to laugh, I want to smile, I want to feel good. I want to be in a place where all of the small and big stuff just floats past me. I am sick of feeling like this. I am sick of myself ;) I really want to be in this place where little bothers me. Lately, I have been in this place where lots of stuff is getting to me. It's driving me batty, I am driving myself batty! So, I am going to write my dad's card, cry if I need to and then change direction. Just like that, very easy right? I want to change to feeling good, celebrate my dad in spirit and feel good doing that. I want to focus on all of the ways he's come thru to me, and all the ways he can still come through. I want to focus on the fact that he's at peace now, his pain is gone. I want to focus on all the things that are going for me, the wonderful support of family I have, how awesome my husband is and what a fun relationship we have together, I want to focus on all the great traits my kids possess and how much more we are doing as a family-like the beach, the movies, restaraunts, and what about the great homeschooling resources I have and all of the fun stuff I got from the convention. How about the fun we're having homeschooling? Things are much easier and more fun. How about all of the creative outlets I have, more then ever-I was someone who used to feel I didn't have an ounce of creativity in me, and now look at me! Look at how hard I try to get myself feeling better and loving unconditionally. I don't always succeed, but I am motivated and I put in the effort. What about all of my wonderful friends? I don't think I have felt such love and so many different fullfilling connections in so long. And all of the fun that I have with my friends-all of the different things we do together, from game nights, to bead nights, to just quiet one on one evenings and of course parties parties parties. Sean feels better with the connections he's made with the husbands and looks forward to different get togethers. What about how unconditionally loved I feel by my friends, and that I can share just about anything and it doesn't make them want to run for the hills? What about how I seem to be able to open up more and share with them things that are bothering me instead of keeping it all inside. How much more brave I have become and comfortable to find a way to express my feelings-I used to run from any type of perceived conflict now I seem to delve right into my conflicted feelings about myself and others and I try to keep in mind that it's all about my perspective. Yes I have come a long way, and I have a lot to keep me smiling. the twins are napping and hopefully feeling better. Game night could still happen, and if it does I am going to laugh and laugh the night away, and even if it doesn't, I am going to spend time laughing with Sean. I have a wonderful trip to look forward to, a friend's birthday party-which should be a blast and many other things. I will change direction and focus on all that I have in my life and all that I am. I intend to feel better NOW! And I have to admit I am feeling better since typing all of that. Things feel lighter and I think I am ready to release the bad feelings and some of the grief. In Appreciation, D~

Yesterday

2006-06-17T07:49:00.000-04:00

I really had a bad nights sleep the night before last. I couldn't fall asleep, my mind was racing and I couldn't seem to soothe it. I don't think journaling about serious-unhappy stuff is all that good for my sleep. Better to journal about the hard stuff earlier in the evening or afternoon. It would probably help to feel better about things before I sleep, I just don't always know how to feel better over my father. So yesterday, I woke up feeling really tired and just not well. Lack of sleep tends to make me even more sensitive and can really affect my mood in a negative way. Getting ready for the beach was nice, I didn't feel rushed, and I appreciated taking my time. We got to the beach and of course Keegan wanted to go right in the water (and boy was it cold) but I was able to get them busy doing other things. I felt ok, not great, my body didn't feel all that well-had a headache, had this feeling in my chest, like a rock or better a block. It didn't feel good, it hurt. But I tried to focus on how beautiful the water looked with the sun shining on it and how nice the ocean sounded. Friends began arriving, and I took Keegan into the water. It was so cold, it was hard at first. However, it began to feel so refreshing, since it was such a hot day. The waves were huge and over my head. The only time I began to feel joyful yesterday, was when I was in the water. I'd visualize the ocean washing away the hurt feelings and filling me up with peace and love. It's no surprise the waves were so big, it sort of represents where I am at. Feeing out of control with big waves of emotion, bigger than I want, way over my head, able to knock me down. The big waves of the ocean were fun to me. I enjoyed jumping over them or bracing myself for a big one. There was never a wave that knocked me down, so maybe symbolically, I am not being knocked down emotionally either, but maybe being crashed into and keeping my balance-just barely, and with the strong rip tide, being pulled and pushed. Kind of neat to look at it that way. The ocean is very cleansing, and maybe what I am going through will be a big healing for me. In the ocean I feel like a kid again. I anticipate the really big waves and feel a thrill when one is coming. Just like a kid. I need more of those moments of being "just like a kid." Maybe that's why I like the ocean so much-it helps me to feel like a kid again. That's probably one of many many reasons, I adore the ocean. When i was out of the water, I felt like an outsider. I know it's the place I was in doing that. It's always so disappointing though when I begin to feel outside and disconnected from my friends, I feel like I have come such a far way emotionally and who likes to regress? Actually, maybe it's not regressing, maybe it's just being in a sad place and feeling disconnected because of my pain. We left early afternoon and I got home and got the kids showered. My friend, who came out from Orlando to see me, followed me home from the ocean. I began to shift a bit. Her energy was so laid back and loving, it was sort of contagious. I felt some of my dark mood lift a bit. We talked and caught up. It's been so long since we were able to do that. And I realized just how much I had missed her. And I decided to really put in an effort to see her on a monthly basis. I think her and I can alternate and we already decided that next month I will come see her without kids. My boys were so sweet to her baby. Hayden kept hugging him, and Gavin was very gentle and loving. Her boy is so cute. Such a baby still. He'd crawl around making these cute baby talking sounds. He kept putting his head down on whoevers lap was closest. What a cuddle bug he is. I showed my friends all of the things I had been doing and we drew cards together. As we talked we were interrupted many times, by my cranky boys, by leaky diarrhea diapers, and even vomit. I began to feel horrible that she was over while this was going on. She never flinched. I thought she'd go when Hayden had dairrhea, but she didn't mind. Then when Hayden vomited, I thought for sure she'd leave. Heck I would have! well guess it depends if I were in orlando. I loved her perspective: she pointed out that he had just eaten, and then we were pushing him super high in the swing in the heat. I felt better with that explanation. He ended up eating and being fine, so I think she was right. He does have a bug though, because he had diarrhea a few more times and he did it on the potty. Yay Hayden. Keegan was unbelievably tired, and had a runny nose. It got really chaotic around 3:30, but the craziness of the Friese house didn't seem to affect her, I ended up staying centered and relaxed. I didn't feel worried that she was thinking this or that, or regretting that she came. She seemed geniunely happy to be at my house. It was a fresh of breath air, and I emailed her that she was like that for me. We picked cards together and I loved mine! I got Eireen Peace:"there is no need to worry, as everything is working out beautifully" I really got a lot from this card, I always do. Sedna:infinite Supply: "you are supplied for today and all of you tomorrows." Fairy: Creative expression-I keep getting her! And I feel I have many creative outlets right now. Vacation-got her again-I hope this means our vacation will happen as planned..little concerned since the kids have a bit of a bug. my abe card: How wonderful I am. We are wanting to awaken within you the memory of how wonderful you are! How good you are, and how worthy of whatever you are wanting you are. I needed this card yesterday. Relinquish control:today's lesson:Identify one person you feel the need to control, and think about why that power is so essential to you. What do you fear if your hold is released? Your goal: to recognize how much stress is generated in your body through the need to control someone else. This also was a needed card for me. My tarot: Eight of swords-which looks like something preventing me from what I want.. Six of swords-which my friend helped me get looks like a breakthrough, and then the chariot which looks like someone receiving and giving out their power-maybe I will find my balance and give away less of my power-yes i will have a breakthrough that will result in me receiving and keeping my power. I am grateful that I got to spend sometime with a friend who was such a positive influence on me, that she was able to help me feel a bit better. I look forward to seeing her next month. In Appreciation, D~

The move will happen this weekend

2006-06-17T07:37:00.000-04:00

And I am excited for it. Sean has found a way for me to save my blog to a file and then import it. I am very excited about this. I will leave a link on this blog when we get it done.

About my father post

2006-06-17T07:33:00.000-04:00

I want to amend the advice I offered in regards to celebrating your father if he's still on the physical plane-to me it sounded preachy, and not everyone is in a place to celebrate their dad. And for good reason. So for those that are in a place to celebrate your dad this weekend, and think positive thoughts about him. And for those that aren't in the place to appreciate your father, appreciate the next best thing. In Appreciation, D~

watch for a possible move

2006-06-16T19:02:00.000-04:00

I love journaling, and I love sharing my feelings and my life, I find at times, I'd like to process through something on my own first though. So, I am looking for a new place to blog, where they allow some posts to be private. That way I can work through some things privately and have it set to private, til I feel ready to share my it. This very much is a diary for me. And most of the time I enjoy sharing me with my dear friends. Every once in a while though, I need to work through something and it's harder when i am in a dark place to share myself so openly. I start to feel naked, and when I am in a dark place I find myself worrying more what a friend might think of me. Also of course, there are times, when one needs to work through feelings about their friends or just occurances, and that is a bit more difficult when you share your diary with your friends and the internet. There's also some things going inside of me that I haven't shared. I know unbelievable, how much do I have going on ;) and just not ready to share. That's ok though. I feel like i put myself out there a lot as it is and even my dear friends don't have to know all of my deepest darkest secrets. So when i find the perfect home for me, I will hopefully bring all of my posts with me and leave an address here to find my new home. Love you all, D~

Missing my dad

2006-06-16T00:38:00.000-04:00

I spent the night with a friend beading and henna-ing. I really enjoyed myself. She worked on earrings and made me two pairs. A pair of agate earrings, that I have been wanting to make and just hadn't gotten to it. Actually I spent three hours on a friend's earrings and just was not in the mood to tackle any earrings. My friend made it look very easy so maybe next time I will take the time to try it again. Tonight I was inspired to make a necklace for Sean for father's day, which I just love! I used Jasper, pietersite, agate, hematite and Jade. He loves it also. I also made a necklace for my father. I really love how it came out. I used moonstone, jasper, and agate. I was wondering if this would be something he would have liked when he was alive. So many things about me have changed since he died. I often wonder what he would have made of me if he was still on this physical plane. I guess it doesn't really matter. I did what I set out to do with regards to my father. I wanted to focus my energy on making things for him for this father's day, which I know really means for me, but that's exactly why I did it. For me. To help me feel better, to help me feel and know that he's still around and that when I drink from the mug I made for him, or feel guided to wear the necklace I made him, that hopefully I will feel closer to him, or feel him around, or just remember that these things are for him. I needed to do something for him for me. I bought him a card today, and the next thing I will do is write him a letter in that card. A father's love for his daughter is eternal. I keep hearing that in my head since yesterday when i made the mug. I actually put that on the handle of the mug, but it didn't stay. I really want to fit it onto his mug somewhere. Lately, when I think about him, I start to cry. I thought I was past that. I guess at times I am and it's ok when I am in a place of sadness over the physical loss. He had this way about him, and I just miss that so much. I miss his presence, I miss his voice, and the way he'd sit by me with his arm around my shoulder. I miss his smile and his laugh. I loved it when I got him to laugh, he didn't laugh easily, and maybe because of that when he did laugh it was special. He had this way of making me feel like the most special, precious person. And he had three kids, that's a gift when you have more than one and you are able to make them all feel so important. I only hope I "inherited" that gift and that my kids feel that they are the most important things to me. I miss watching him with my kids. I feel sad that Brianna is the only one who will really remember him. I liked it better when i was feeling happy and joyful when I thought of him. Right now I am focusing on all that I feel I have lost. I like looking at his picture and smiling. Now I look at it and feel a lump in my throat. It will pass I know, I just need to allow it to be released. I noticed that I am feeling the loss of some friends. One friend moved and another one is getting ready to move, and well I think that my grief for my father is making it a little harder to let go of these friendships. I have been feeling sad, and it's similar to the feeling of loss with my father, but on a much smaller scale. They are here on the phsyical plane, just in a different state. I wish I could feel my dad's presence on a regular basis. I wish I could feel him talking to me, or hear his voice, or even see him. I wish I could get insight from him. I just want to know that he's around, really *feel* him. I did enjoy my evening, and I am so happy I got to make a necklace for my father and for Sean. Sean really loved the necklace and that meant a lot to me. To me he is the epitomy of creative, and lately he's always praising my creativity. It makes me feel good about my own creativity. Tomorrow, Sean's working from home. I plan to go to the ocean tomorrow with friends, I wish he could come with us. we'll probably go this weekend sometime. My cards: Mother of wands, two of something it's the oppression that I got a couple days ago and two of swords. I felt immediately that the mother of wands shows that I can create two of swords:peace or the oppression one. I wanted to pick another card to give me an idea of where I am choosing or what I will be choosing and I got the High Priestess. That felt good. Goddess I kept sulis and fairy magic of nature Picked: Green tara:start delegating and vacation.. white tara Sensitivity: and Positive expectations. I really liked positive expectations. Abe: When I appreciate I feel so very good. Wisdom Change Direction: Know that healing sometimes depends on the strength, willingness and ability to change direction. Many people postpone doing so due to fear or lazines, and then they wonder why they are not happy and healthy. your goal: to make one solid, effective healing choice by the end of the day that can positively change the direction of your life. I feel like there's something to this, it's sort of out of my reach, but I'll get it and post about it. For those with dad's still on the physical plane, appreciate them, hold them dear to your heart this weekend. Spend time thinking nice feeling thoughts about them; they won't always be on this physical plane with us. Celebrate the fact that they are still with you-it's a wonderful blessing. And for those whose fathers have past, do something special for your memory of him and remember that a father's love for his child/ren, is eternal. In Love, D~

yes I am back again, but with great news!!

2006-06-15T19:46:00.000-04:00

The black thing on my mole was a scab! I am really relieved and excited. I plan to keep my appointment on the 6th just to get my moles looked at, especially the ones on my back. I just wanted to share my news. I feel so good about things. My life is awesome. In Appreciation, D~

My kids are AWESOME

2006-06-15T17:40:00.000-04:00

Everything went pefectly, they behaved themselves so nicely. The bank was quick. The oil change, well that wasn't so quick and sitting in a hot car, they were really quite amazing. I am so glad I felt the need to go, my tires all four of them, were supposed to be at 35lbs, and they were at 20lbs, my belt, can't remember the name of it, was ripping, that is the one that hooks up to everything. Glad to catch that before it broke on it's own. Then we went shopping, and the kids were just a joy to be with. I was enjoying them immensly. Many times it can go either way, and they can fight and scream the whole time or are all big helpers. This time it was wonderful. I came home exhilerated, feeling wonderful and so appreciative. Even better when we got home, my friend with the sick kid that she was watching, well her mom came to get her, and so we then went swimming after lunch. It's like I got to do everything I wanted to do or needed to do. We had a great time, and then I dropped Bri off at bells. Now I am getting ready to go out to hang with a friend while Bri is at music, and then later tonight a friend is coming over for a quiet evening of beading/henna etc. Lucky me! In Appreciation, D~

Help me my kids are driving me CRAZY

2006-06-15T10:41:00.000-04:00

There's a high amount of energy in this house, and my plans have fell through-sort of kind of. I was really attached to the idea of swimming today. Immersing my body in water. First thought was to call a friend and go to the beach, however the timing was off really for both of us. Then I remembered I had plans with another friend to swim-YAY..except the kid she is watching has a vomiting/diarrhea bug..UGG don't really want to go over there while the child is there. She's waiting for the mom to call and pick her up, and then she's going to cleanse/sanitize her house, and possibly have us over..if the timing works out. My kids are super loud, and bouncing around like little maniacs. First on the agenda is the bank, an oil change and grocery shopping. I realize once I can get past this need to swim there's still plenty for us to do. I will be going to the beach tomorrow and can swim then. Maybe I will take the kids to the park after lunch. Yes that sounds good. Then they can hopefully expel all of their energy. Am I crazy to take them on all of these errands? Possibly so, but they need to get done. my appointment for my mole is july 6th. Kind of irked that I couldn't just get in there right away, cause I really want this thing off and done with. As it is after the biopsy it will take 10 days or so to get any results..ok, stop-that train just leads me to frustration...I will call everyday for a cancellation and maybe I will get lucky! Well off to run errands, wish me luck with my super high energy kiddies! In appreciation, D~

feeling worried

2006-06-14T21:52:00.000-04:00

I was enjoying some time with Hayden and Keegan outside, helping them make father's day crafts, when Hayden pointed to my leg because a bug was on it. Well what caught my eye was a small mole that I have had for a very long time. It's center is now black. I don't remember scratching it, and it's not sore to touch, but very dry and it almost feels as rough as a wart. This has always been the same color, never changed until now. And it's usually smooth and soft to the touch. Maybe I scratched it and it's a scab? The only thing is normally when I accidentally scratch a mole it's sore to the touch and this isn't sore. My whole mood shifted once I saw this. It's like all the good feeling and fun drained out of me. I am hoping that my dermatologist can get me in tomorrow or friday, because I will feel better to just get in there. I did work on a gift for my father tonight. I decorated a mug for him. I think because of my mood, I wasn't in the happy place I'd envisioned. I felt sad and lost. I do like the mug, and I think good things will come out of it, I think the sadness was compounded by my concern over this mole. I lost my steam quick, and couldn't move on to his letter or his necklace. I think when I do those I would get more out of it, if I wasn't in such a dark place to start with. I had planned on just curling up on the couch watching a show by myself, and then sean wanted to watch a movie with me. I felt like being by myself. I did try to watch the movie Fun with Dick and Jane, and I just didn't get into it, and actually found myself not wanting to watch it. So here I am. I might pull some cards and then get some sleep. My tarot cards: The Sun The universe and Daughter of cups. I feel like outside forces are at work, more like spiritual forces to help bring me some peace over my worries. Helping to guide me back to a feeling of connection. my wisdom card for today has all new meaning now. Surrender to the divine:today's lesson:Identify one fear that you need to surrender (my fear over the change in the appearance of my mole)unconditionally into the hands of the Divine-with emphasis on "unconditional". This prayer can truly change your entire life. Your goal to lift the burden of fear from your soul. yes I would like to let this fear go. Just the idea of it, lifts my spirits a bit. I will keep this card for now. Abe: wow I got a card, I don't think I have ever gotten! I inhibit no one. (we each create our own reality.) As you find vibrational harmony with your desires, you are never inhibiting or preventing anyone from living what they are creating-but you are controlling and creating your own reality. I love my goddess and fairy cards. Wow. Once again, each goddess card seemed to compliment or add to the message of the fairy card and vice versa. Goddess: Sulis: Bodies of water:spend time near water, such as a lake, river or the ocean to recharge your batteries. Maybe I should go to the beach tomorrow morning with the kids. Wonder what the weather will be like? The Fairy card: Magic of nature: I love being outside in sunshine, I lfeel energized by the sunshine, fresh air, plants and animals. I take excellent care of every living being including myself. Pele:Divine Passion: Be honest with yourself: What is your heart's true desire. Fairy Creative expression:I am a highly artistic and creative person, I now allow this side of me to be exposed. I do have a passion for being creative lately. From journaling, to beading etc. I find ways to sooth myself in a creative way, like honoring my father with a gift (the mug I colored). As I colored it tonight, I wondered why I hadn't ever really done anything like that for him when he was alive, except when i was a kid. Because I convinced myself I wasn't creative and didn't ever even want to do anything creative. It's nice that I am allowing this side of me to come out more and more. Athena:Inner Wisdom: "You know what to do. Trust your inner wisdom, and take appropriate action without delay."hmmm is it my inner wisdom directing me to the doctors over this mole thing, or is it my fear. Sometimes, it's hard to tell. I will say that the way I discovered the change, felt a bit like Divine intervention. It did, it felt so strange and surreal, it was like someone gently got my attention..It's hard to explain. Whatever is going on with it, I am sure I have discovered it in plenty enough time, and it's so small...It's really one of my smaller moles. The fairy card:Peace of mind:My mind is now peaceful and I know that all of my needs are automatically taken care of. I can rest easily, assured that all is well. My cards have actually soothed me, and my mind does feel more peaceful. Now I will sleep peacefully and tomorrow I will be guided in just the right way, where just what I need will happen, and it will happen easily and peacefully. Yes I feel better.. In Love and Appreciation, D~

Journaling junky

2006-06-14T13:30:00.000-04:00

Lately I can't stop blogging. I feel really guided to journal, so i'll go with it. Today has been a really enjoyable day. Sean worked from home and let me sleep in til 8:30-I swear I have the best hubby ever-no not biased at all ;) I am going to surprise him and for the next four mornings let him sleep him, get the kids to bed and get their breakfast stuff ready. We usually take turns, but since father's day weekend it coming, I think he'll enjoy a break from the usual stuff. I am also going to schedule him a massage oooohhhh, I have been trying to think when to do it this weekend, but I should do it for tonight! That way he can choose to do other things this weekend. He loves going to the ocean-if the weather permits. I still haven't gotten him a gift. I feel bad, because he got the most thoughtful gifts for me and I haven't thought of anything but a couple of dvd's that may or may not be here. I just want the weekend to be all for him and about him, and celebrating what a terrific father he is, actually celebrating what a wonderful person he is. I want him to do whatever he wants to do. Friday night he's going to the movies with friends. We might have a game night this weekend with friends. I wish something would pop into my mind for him, sort of how the massage did. Well I'll wait for some guidance and I am sure I will get it. I homeschooled a lot with Gavin today. He read a book, he made an orbz book and orbz levels. What a great way to get him to draw ;) Then we did mind benders and Dr Doriddles. We also played yahtzee. It was really nice to have so much one on one time with him. Then Brianna was done making her clubhouse and she did some work in the Thoughtful child. She loved it! Yay! She read in her nanny McPhee book and practiced her piano. We also played a bunch of games together. I thought it'd be nice to have a light day with them. I really haven't done as much with the twins, but I promised them we'd go out after their nap time. Just trying to figure out where to go. Maybe a park? I got to work out and shower, and Brianna and Gavin played together the whole time, and still are-and they are getting along great. I love days where they play nicely together. All feels well. Just got back from dropping them off at drama. Gavin wasn't wanting to go. His teacher says that he asks for me and asks to go home. I think if in the next few months, his enthuiasm doesn't return for it, maybe we'll find him another activity that he might enjoy more. I noticed that he seems more shy onstage lately. I am in such a creative mood. I feel like beading, I feel like henna-ing. But I don't have any spare body parts left to henna. Maybe I will do some beading tonight. I'd like to make some agate earrings. And I have plenty of agate. My cards today: Wisdom for healing: Surrender to the divine. Today's lesson: identify one fear that you need to surrender unconditionally into the hands of the Divine-with the emphasis on "unconditional". This prayer can truly change your entire life. Your goal: to lift the burden of fear from your soul. Heavy stuff..i can think of some fears to hand over.. Abe: To allow well being I must be in joy.Just the same way you cannot set your radio turner to 98.6 and receive the songs playing on 101fm, you must set your own vibrational turner to one of well being. Feelings of love, joy passion, exhilaration, fun interest...are indications of your vibrational match to well being. Goddess and Fairy for every goddess I picked, I picked a fairy to go with it: Mary Magdalene:unconditional love"love yourself, others, and every situation-no matter what the outward appearances may be." Fairy:Kick up your heels. I took this two ways, in reference to Mary magdalene, I took it as come on get going and focusing on loving myself and others unconditionally. The other way I took it was to represent the fun I had last night, and sort of that place I am in, wanting to have friends over, and just have fun. I got Aine:leap of faith and fairy inner child(again) and I felt they were connected, like that that leap and nurture my inner child..I had this card yesterday or the day before, so i obviously needed it again, because I don't think I got the message. Nemetona: Sacred space and Fairy Look inside yourself... Tarot: They have been a bit confusing for me to read at times. I think that I need a nice home for my cards. The box broke, so it's not quite working, and they are mainly out in the open. In my tarot book it says that if you don't have a nice home for your cards and show them respect, that the messages in the cards can get confusing. I picked several different cards and put them back and in each set of three, I got the Father of stones. The set I last kept were Three of swords:mourning, five of wands Defeat and Father of stones. Right away I got that this was about my father. That's why Father of stones kept showing up over and over. Then I remembered a dream I had with my dad in it. I am not feeling like it was a visit from my dad, more me processing my feelings about him. I can't remember all that much about my dream. Just that he was in it and he was alive in the dream, and I remember waking with a strong feeling, maybe sadness. Father's day is coming up. My dad is not here in physical to celebrate it with. I know that even though i am feeling so much better, I still mourn for my dad's physical presence. I am saddened over the fact that I don't get to call my dad on the phone on sunday to wish him a happy father's day. That i won't get to give him a *physical* hug. The cards I pulled mirror my grief and feelings about these perceived *physical* losses. I miss him. And I haven't been putting as much focus in my thoughts toward him, or any focus in feeling him around in spirit. Maybe I begin to miss him more when I haven't been putting any energy into feeling him around. I think I will work on something for him for this weekend. A present of sorts. Not sure exactly what. I want to do an album for him, but don't know that I can get through all of the boxes in time to put something together. Something will come to me, I already feel ideas flowing my way. A letter, a mug and a necklace. That's what I will do for him. Maybe I will work on the necklace tonight. I am going to pick my kids up from drama now. I might post again later about how things are going with my father's gifts. In Appreciation, D~

Home from a much needed ladies' night

2006-06-13T23:49:00.000-04:00

And what a fun night it was. A good friend's birthday is coming up, so several of us got together and went to the melting pot. Yummy yummy food, and lots of laughs/silliness and talking. I really needed that. I will be all refreshed for tomorrow with my children. Thank goodness for silly, fun loving friends ;) and ladies nights. I think we all needed it, and we were able to hang with a friend we hadn't seen in a while. Who I missed a bunch. Tomorrow, we'll have a laid back day. Brianna's got a bit of cold that just came on sort of quickly. And after today, I can use an easy going day. I expended a bunch of energy on the way to the planetarium, stressing over being late. What a waste. I really overbooked myself today. Brianna had piano lessons at 11:15. I then, had to get gas, put air in my tires, and get back to get her in the pouring rain. We race home, and it's pouring, get all five kids in the house, one by one, and then hurry to get them fed. The twins got upset when I mentioned to them they were staying with the babysitter,so I lay them down for a nap, and before you know it, it's 12:30 and we only have 1/2 hr to make it to cocoa. And if you are late, you don't get in. Add all of that up and you get high blood pressure. Once we got there, I really enjoyed myself. The movie we watched on the coral reef was so soothing to me. Just call me ocean girl. I loved it. Gavin sat on my lap, and that was so nice to cuddle with him. Then during the outerspace show, I sat near a friend's daughter and Gavin was on my lap, and I just enjoyed the two of them so much. Gavin was bored, and the little girl was scared, but they were so cute. She'd try to talk Gavin out of his boredness, and he'd tell her it was ok, nothing to be scared of. She held my hand and buried her head in my shoulder when she got scared, and when she liked what was happening, she'd peak out and say things like "peppy". I got a big kick out of the two of them. There are some kids that are so easy to be with and affectionate with, that I sometimes feel an extra pull towards, almost like they help bring out my favorite parts of me, and well she just happens to be one of them. She's just one of those kids, that it's easy to be me with. The big bonus was to be able to be with Gavin and just enjoy him so much. It was so needed, and really peaceful. Today was a nice day. I enjoyed it. And I really had a lot of fun tonight. I feel bittersweet, because one of the gals there, is getting ready to move. I feel sad about it. My friend W just moved, and I miss her a bit more than I realized I would, and now another friend is leaving and I know I will miss her and her fun-out there wacky energy. I am still surounded by so many wonderful friends. But it's ok to miss the ones who have left or will be leaving. Really, I am truly rambling here. i should call it a night and get some sleep. I think I will. Good night(it's nice to say it and truly mean it ;) D~

quick post

2006-06-13T11:07:00.000-04:00

Brianna and her friend are having a wonderful morning. They homeschooled together, her friend shared what she has to do in school, and I think that helped her get a newer perspective. It was fun. Gavin did great stuff this morning. Reading, math, working with his creative thinking stuff. Bri did math, played learning games practiced piano. her friend did the creative thinking games and loved it. I am in a better place about my mom and finances. We are lending her the money. I asked to pick a card whether it was for my, my families' and my mom's highest good to lend her money. I picked a tarot card and picked ace of stones, which is a favorite of mine:abundance. that really helped soothe my fears and feel better. I picked three more goddess cards and left all of my other cards alone. I got Sulis:water: Mary magdalene:unconditional love and Mother mary:expect a miracle. What wonderful soothing cards. i did pick three more tarot. The magician, ten of wands and wheel of chance. Ten of wands show a yin yang behind a grid, like I keep myself from harmony, the magician, is all powerful and the wheel of chance shows a hand reaching for a wheel. I feel like it's telling me to be more deliberate creator. Many times that I am feeling oppressed or feeling that achieving balance and or harmony is hard, is because I am not being the magician, I am just spinning the wheel. Meaning I am not always paying attention to how I am feeling and I don't always reach for a better feeling thought. This makes so much sense for me but I am having trouble explaining it in the blog. Will try again later. Bri has piano lessons. In appreciation, D~

Brianna's first sleepover

2006-06-12T21:14:00.000-04:00

Today our friend's came by. Brianna and her friend got it into their mind that they would like to have a sleepover here. She's never had a friend sleepover and I used to love them so much, I quickly said ok. They have been having fun. Beading, drawing, henna-ing and playing games. I did a matching henna design on each of their hands. It's been fun. It's awesome to watch Brianna experience some of the things I used to love to do. They have a special friendship. We came across a picture of Brianna before she was even three, and I was able to tell them that they have been friends since they were two years old. They were surprised to hear that. I enjoyed hanging out with the two of them, we played apples to apples and cadoo. I will treasure the moments my daughter actually wants me to play with her and her friend. Earlier in the day they made their own perfume with the science kit I got Brianna. We had a nice lazy day today. We did a lot of homeschooling. Gavin read two pages in his lesson book today, did one lesson in his math-as did Brianna, the three of us did Aesop's fables-one pocket: the Tortoise and the hare. During this time, Gavin began to melt down, and I began to feel like I was melting down too. It wasn't a fun moment-to say the least. However, after several minutes and outbursts, we got our groove back. They each made their own book with cutouts and colored pictures. We read the story, and Gavin was so excited he realized he had his own copy of the story and ran to get it. Brianna went the extra mile, and wrote her own story. Later we acted out the story, and trying it again, in different parts. They began to just get plain silly about it after a bit. I got this new memory game for the twins, it's cute, it comes with superheros that come apart, and they hide the upper body and lower body under cups, and then you have to put them together. Well Bri and Gavin wanted to play this game, so they did. The twins had fun with it also. We all played charades together, Gavin worked in his critical thinking book where he's challenged to match the shapes-this is also a big hit with the twins. Another cool thing about these shapes, is they are made in a way that if you put a red shape to a blue shape, you will look through them and see purple. Brianna discovered this today and was very excited. So they spent a good fifteen minutes making different colors. We took this to another level, and worked with Gavin's science kit he got for his birthday. We experimented with color tablets and how they change the color of the water, and then we added crystals to that absorbed the water, and it became jelly like. They had a good time with it. Afterwards, they decided they wanted to see what it would be like if they froze it. My plan worked. I moved many of the twins building blocks and legos upstairs. They really kept busy, along with playing their new game. They are getting so good with taking turns. They each waited patiently as Gavin finished the game, then Keegan went and Hayden waited patiently, then as Hayden went Keegan watched patiently. Those moments are nice to see. That they can take turns like that. When Keegan was using the shapes, he began putting things together and talked about building a robot. I thought that was so cool. More good new, Hayden has been using the potty, he even pooped on the potty. After nap, he didn't wet his diaper once-not once. Maybe he'll be easier than I thought. Keegan, sits on the potty but doesn't seem to know how to push it out. I am sure he'll get the hang of it shortly. About Hayden and the potty, he spends a long time in the bathroom, it's sort of like he can be in there for 20 minutes. I hope he outgrows that soon though. That would take up a lot of my time ;) Tomorrow, we have a field trip to the planetarium. That should be fun. I have someone watching the twins, because that could be very hard if it were just me and all of them in a dark dark room. I hope they enjoy it. Tomorrow night, some friends and I are going out to celebrate a friend's birthday. I am looking forward to that. We're going to the melting pot. Yum. Her present hasn't arrived yet though :( I hope it comes before her real birthday. I could really use a fun girl's night out! Today, there were some moments, where I was banging my head against the wall, literally if you look close you'll see the bruises. ;) I was really questioning my decision to homeschool. Although, luckily I didn't stay in that place and we were able to enjoy the day and our learning together. I drew new cards today, I really wanted some new ones, after I had a tough time. Sometimes, it helps give me things to think about and redirect me. here they are: Abe: My health and well being are natural forever. See God in All things-yep that one helped and this one helped a lot also: Be open to spiritual guidance-I think I will keep those two for tomorrow. Fairy: Inner child(interesting card to get) Higher Consciousness-also a helpful one for me where I was at. I think I will keep this one for tomorrow too. Goddess Cards: Lakshmi:Bright Future:Stop worrying. Everything is going to be fine. Aphrodite:Inner Goddess my tarot cards: Eight of stones, daughter of swords and father of swords. When I look at the swords cards, I see rays shooting out of both the figures, but then it came to me that it could also be coming in to them, and that's where the eigh of stones:knowledge: comes in. I have knowledge, which I take as spiritual guidance, higher consciousness coming to me in all forms. I will take that. For tomorrow, I want things to be easy. I want to find my way to the planetarium easily, I want things with the twins and the sitter to be easy, I was homeschooling with Bri and gavin and their friend to be easy. I want it to be easy for me to feel good. I want Hayden and Keegan's potty training to be easy. I want the day to flow easily and happily and harmoniously..I want all to be well in my world, and I want to see that all is well in my world regardless of everyone's moods or feelngs are during the day. I want to feel better about something. and I was about to just end this, but thought I should process through it. My mom wants to borrow a large sum of money. She says I will get it back in 2-4 weeks. I believe her for the most part. I am feeling like we have a lot financially coming up. Nick hotel, home owners insurance, passports for 6 for our disney cruise, and yes the disney cruise. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I would like to feel a bit better about money and about lending her the money. All of our needs are always met, we always have enough money to pay the bills and do the things we like to do. Money seems to flow our way easily. And it can keep on doing that. It will feel good to help my mom out of a bind. She and her family has had such a hard time of it. She does have money coming to her, it's just taking some time and she'll be able to pay us back easily once that money comes to her. It will help ease some of her anxiety about things. It feels good to watch her feeling better. Sean is open and supportive of my choice to lend her money, he must trust we have it to give and that we will receive it back. Money comes to us in all different ways. More money can come to us easily if we shift our feelings and perspectives. We are both open to abundance and we receive abundance in many different forms. I appreciate the abundance that flows to us. I feel a bit better, and will continue thinking feel better thoughts. In appreciation, D~

wind under my tail

2006-06-11T23:20:00.000-04:00

Today, I was in a very productive, organized mood. This morning, my morning to get up, and I homeschooled with the kids. During this time, I began to pull out all of our homeschool books, and add our new ones from convention, and well get them all organized. I have a shelf all for Bri, for Gavin, for the twins, and then a shelf for our family books. I am so excited though, I got these thinking skill books for Gavin, with manipulatives, and him and the twins LOVED it. They all took turns trying it out. Gavin did his reading, and he did it quickly and easily. i love when he reads like that. I found all of Brianna's old kindergarden stuff, along with easy books for Gavin to read from her calvert curriculm. I then went on to organize the closet with all of their games and arts and crafts. Then we went out for lunch together. That was nice. Then to target to buy birthday presents, to the library, where I copied some things for tomorrow and finally to blockbuster for a family movie. We didn't get home til after 4pm. Once again, after we got home, I got that organization mode going again. I organized all of the twins blocks and brought them to the loft, organized all of the toys in the living room and started in Hayden and Keegan's room. I feel good. Now there's plenty of stuff upstairs to keep the twins busy, while I homeschool Bri and Gavin. I don't think they like being downstairs by themselves and they almost never play with the toys downstairs unless I am there. I am hoping that I was guided in all of this to make our mornings smoother and easier for all of us. Many times, I feel pulled in way too many directions. Gavin needs me with this, Bri with that and the twins want me downstairs. Makes it very hard to homeschool. So, I now have it arranged that we can all be upstairs doing many different things. It would be wonderful if I saw a vast improvement with everyone tomorrow. Meaning that we all had an easier time of it. Hayden and Keegan can play with all of their blocks or games, and feel included, and Brianna and Gavin, can focus on the things they want to learn about. After the kids went to bed, I cleaned up a bit and then worked on an anklet for my neighbor in celebration of her marriage. I tried to just be guided and pick what I thought she needed, though I am just so visual, I couldn't not line it all up. that's ok, I am hoping I was guided in a visual way ;) Tomorrow, we are supposed to spend it with friends. We were supposed to go there today, and well we were busy running errands. I thought I had left it as a maybe, and they called wondering where we were and their kids were asking for my kids. So I felt a bit bad, however I will make sure we get together tomorrow. i am going to pull my cards and head to bed. i will share them tonight though. Abe:I can always reach for a thought that feels better. Your decision to reach for a thought that feels good is a powerful decision, for it serves you in many ways. The better feeling thought reverberates within you, opening passageways to well being that reach far beyond this one good feeling thought. Wisdom for healing Identify your health related fears. Todays lesson: Ask yourself if you're afraid to heal. Your conscious mind may say no because that's the logical reply. But this question is for the deeper part of you-your emotional self, which might have developed fears about becoming healthy. Your goal: to explore whether you have deep-seated reasons to want to postpone healing. I just looked down and saw this card and decided to take it, it feels easier than the card above. Visualize a healthy body and mind. Visualize yourself as completely healthy person, inside and out. Do one thing that brings you closer to achieving that state. your goal to do whatever it takes to become the healthiest you possible. Goddess cards: I picked four. Not sure why, but i'll go with it. Kali: endings and Beginnings: the old must be released so that the new can enter. Interesting Kali is the ultimate get things done Goddess. That's the place I was in today...get things done, get them organized. Sulis:bodies of water:Spend time near water, such as a lake,river or ocean to recharge your batteries. Ok didn't I do this on friday?? I do notice that it's so soothing for me to be in water lately especially the ocean. Butterfly maiden:Transformation:" You are experiencing great change right now, which brings great blessings." hmm another one about letting go of the old. What old do I need to let go of is the question? Damara:guiding children: You are good at helping, counseling and healing children. Use your skills now. Fairy: Creative expression-again! How fitting..I was in a beading mood the past couple of nights.."your heart needs an outlet to express powerful emotions. By drawing this card you are urged to to engage in an artistic or creative endeavor." I am a highly creative and artistic person and I now allow that side of me to be expressed." Laughter:"Find a humorous twist, laughter will help you see your life from a new perspective so that you can receive creative insights and solutions. "I find humor in life and I laugh easily" Ok gotta pick one more fairy card Self reliance:You are your own best friend and can provide for yourself emotionally and physically. "I am tuned into my inner source of direction. I confidently rely upon this inner ource to guide me perfectly." Interesting tarot cards: I got mother of wands:creator,I see her as ever powerful, manifesting what she wants, then I got seven of stones:failure, gray card with falling rocks and the devil, Temptation, he holds the planet in his hand and it's burning..Interesting. I see this as I am powerful creator, although, what I choose to create at times is self sabbatoging for me. So I have a choice, I can be the mother of wands, or I can be the devil and cause my own perceived failure. I will draw another card, to be sure I have the message right/add to it or clarify it. I just drew the six of stones: success: It's a beautiful card, with six orbs all lined up perfectly, a butterfly, and pink tulips. With a bright light shining in the middle of it all. I take this as I got it right and it feels like affirmation that I will choose to be the mother of wands and create success, joy and well being into my life. I picked one more card, High Priestess...just confirms for me to continue on my inward journey and focusing on what I want. In Appreciation, D~

bubble girl

2006-06-10T12:20:00.000-04:00

There's been a couple of my close friends feeling sad about different things. I felt so bad to hear that they felt sad. I felt worse that I didn't seem to realize that they were suffering. Sometimes I wonder if I can read my friends at all or if I am so busy into my own stuff I can't even tell that someone's sad. Or if I am just seeing what I want to see. Seeing them as feeling good and happy. I wonder if this is a bad thing? My first reaction was yes, a very bad thing. I am their friend and I should be able to tell when they are feeling bad. Then there's this other part of me that says good for you for not noticing, because you are thinking they are happy and fine, and that's visualizing them in a good way. Except then I don't want to let them down while I live in this different sort of bubble. I like living in this bubble where I don't get too stressed about how others are feeling, and I can usually stay in a good place, at the same time, a part of me feels like I am not being a good friend by living in this bubble, because lately I sort of feel oblivious to my friend's discomfort. Only when they tell me do I realize they aren't in a good place. And this feels very weird to me. Do people want to be friends with a bubble girl? I guess so because I have friends but...yeah I don't know exactly what's bothering me about this. What's bothering me is my perspective that I am a bad friend if I can't sense when one of my close friends are in pain. That's it exactly. I also found myself feeling very empathetic to their pain, empathetic in a way that didn't feel good. In a way that I began to feel badly, and also take on responsibility. And even blame. I found myself going down this road of is there something I could/can do to prevent their pain, did I do something to cause or contribute to their pain etc..These thoughts didn't feel good in the least, and I was sort of feeling down about things on their behalf. I think a shift in perspective could help me feel even better. I might not always know when my friends are suffering or upset, and that's ok. I am still a good friend and I still care about them. And many times, my friends don't always know when I am feeling bad unless I communicate it with them. And they can communicate their feelings with me, if they so choose, and I can do what I can to help them feel loved and supported. Which I did focus to do with both of my friends. They'll feel better in their own time, when they are ready. And to really help them, wouldn't be for me to become so empathetic of their pain, that I feel badly, but to feel as good as I can, and visualize them feeling better and finding relief. That's what I intend to do. Feel as good as I can, focus on what a wonderful friend I am, what wonderful friends they are, and see them finding their way to a better feeling place. It's funny how jotting down some thoughts can bring such a better feeling out of me. I should have done this yesterday. And what a day yesterday was. I left the house at 9am with all four kids in tow, to go to the ocean. We got back in around 4pm. Yes, long, exhausting, fun filled day. We had a great time. The twins really learned to hold their own in the ocean with the waves. I usually stand and hold their hands, most of the time. They were able to go in up to their knees or a bit more and balance (most of the time) while the waves hit the shore. There were a few tumbles that occured, however I didn't fret, I knew it would help them to understand their limits. It was a nice place to be. Nice to just allow them to be and trust all would be well. Brianna did fantastic as usual. Gavin also learned to jump and/or ride the waves. I took turns bringing Hayden and Keegan out and boy my arms and legs got a workout. It was a lot of fun. My arms and legs are feeling the workout of yesterday. Around 1pm, the kids were still having so much fun, and we hadn't had lunch yet, so I ordered a pizza and had it delivered to the beach. There were a couple of melt downs, but overall all of the kids had a most excellent time. When we got home, I was completely drained, and I had to bathe all of the kids, myself, do a few loads of sandy laundry and make dinner. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed and grouchy. We had game night with friends, and I was trying to get everything done, while feeling so tired. I kept asking Sean for help and he was busy finishing up his work, and I was feeling very unsupported. I was like doesn't he understand how tired I am, how much fun we had, but how exhausting it was. Come to find out, he didn't realize I was at the beach that long. He thought we left and went to a friend's house. He was very surprised at how long we stayed and then understood why I was feeling to grumpy and overwhelmed. We had a great time for our game night. We just laughed most of the night away. I love laughing so much. We managed to play two games, and after the second one we were about to start a third when we realized it was 11:30, and we had a 20 minute drive. Today I haven't left the house. Sean took Bri & gavin to see cars. He loved it. The twins took a nice long nap, which they are just waking from. I promised to take them to the mall-so we'll do that in a bit. Sean and the older kids are picking up groceries. I am feeling a bit lazy. I really want to bead. I want to make a piece of jewelry for my neighbor who just got married. Maybe I can do that tonight. My neighbors have been wanting to come over and get to know us. Maybe tonight that will work out? We'll see-it might be nice to make some new friends. They are a younger couple, no kids-it's always nice to have some friends that don't have kids. Sort of a different energy. I love my cards today, I got Eireen, Sedna and Bast..for fairy I got visualization and kindness. Abe cards: I am learning that all problems resolve themselves...and the main even isn't the destination;it's my joyous journey. Wisdom card:choose to heal.. and tarot nine of wands, son of stones, four of wands I have a message from them on the tip of my tongue but it hasn't come out yet. Ok Keegan is calling me, so with that I will end this. In Appreciation, D~

a friend's email

2006-06-08T17:57:00.000-04:00

This morning I woke up to a wonderful email that really put me in a good feeling, empowered feeling place. A bunch of people on the IHN list did a getting to know you email. There was one question that I answered like this: 49. What's your special talent? Journaling and > beading A close friend responded: Are you kidding me!?!? Your special talent is making the world a better place. It's creating a space of acceptance and warmth that everyone not one feels comfortable in, but craves to be near and physically feels the loss when they are away from you. It is your ability to see your own faults and not let your pursuit to overcome them cripple your energy. It is your ability to see the faults of your friends, and love them anyway. Journaling and beading? Yes, you're good. Very good. But you're so much more than that. :-) I was so touched. And I thought, why can't I have that view and love for myself. And decided that I was going to believe those words about myself whenever I could today. I was able to stay in a good place most of the day. I feel so lucky/blessed/appreciative to have such wonderful friends surrounding me, and seeing the absolute best in me. It's such a good feeling. I can't quite express the feeling into words the way I'd like. We went to the free movies this morning with some friends, and had a nice time. The kids all did great. Afterwards we went to the park, and got to hang out with friends. I notice that sometimes in large social settings, I am not always very social. Today was one of those days. I don't feel too bad or upset about it, more curious. I think I sometimes just retreat when there's lots of people around, especially when I have all of the kids with me. I find it difficult to give people my undivided attention when i have my children with me. It's finding that balance to conversing with someone, keeping an eye on my kids, and keeping focused on the conversation. Also, it seems when I am in a conversation with someone I get interrupted by Brianna and Gavin. I think because of all those reasons, I often don't try to socialize as much when I have all the kids with me. I mean, I sit with people and talk a bit, but not as much as I might if I didn't have the kids with me. It would be nice to find a balance. And actually some days, I do find that balance and I am a bit more social, it's just not everytime. The good thing is, that I am aware of it, and I am aware of it in a way that feels fine. It's sort of like, oh this is what's happening at times. I don't feel the need to beat myself up, or feel all that frustrated with the situation. It's just something I wanted to write about so on a day I might be feeling upset or frustrated about it, I can read this and maybe feel better about it. I did enjoy myself at the park. I really enjoy being outside, watching my kids have fun, in the company of friends. Brianna was in a stitchy mood, sort of complain-y, and I didn't let it affect me, and I have to say my lack of attention to it really seemed to diffuse it. She found her way and had fun most of the time. I always feel so good, when I realize that I didn't let one of my children's mood affect me-it's like YAY me! Tonight, I think I will henna myself silly. I just got brand new henna and I am ready feet, hands bring it on. I also would like to do my nails tonight. They look so pretty when I do them. Feeling much better on the lice front, so we won't go there too much. Tomorrow is beach day for us. Looking forward to that. And I have got some friends coming to keep me and the kids company. Ok, I should get the kids to sleep. In Appreciation, D~

what a week it's been

2006-06-07T23:06:00.000-04:00

soooo Monday I began having gall bladder pain again. It was not fun. We went over a friend's house-postponed spanish co op, and just played and swam. Because of my pain, I couldn't seem to enjoy myself as much. We didn't leave til close to five-whoops, but Hayden and Keegan were tagteaming the toilet. It was very cute. Hayden peed and pooped and my friend and I and the kids cheered him on. But then he didn't really want to get off, and Keegan was asking to get on. So we get Hayden off and Keegan on and he peed too, but back and forth we went. "my turn my turn". I began to feel overwhelmed at the aspect of potty training two of them. Especially since Hayden's kept dribbling out. I was wondering how I was going to get anywhere this summer. It would be good for me to keep in mind that I was worried about Gavin and that turned out to be extremely easy. It could be easy with the twins too. Wouldn't it be nice if I shifted my perception regarding potty training the twins. Wouldn't it be nice if I could focus at the end result and how much money we'll have that we used to buy on diapers. Wouldn't it be nice if it ended up being easy and fun to train them. Monday night, I was in so much pain, that I skipped theater, and meditating and went to bed at 7pm. I slept pretty much through the night. Yesterday, my friend watched the kids for me so I could use my gift certificate to see the psychic. I was in a really frustrated place regarding my kids, and feeling constrained by certain things. I am feeling better, and so I will leave it at that. When my friend came over, we hung out and then I went to the psychic. I felt sort of guarded, I couldn't fully relax. The reading was ok. With somethings she was really on, and she was really on about other people in my life. Something came out of it. My friend, who I hadn't spoken with since memorial day, well she came up in my reading. And someother stuff that I had to share with her. So On the way home I called her and shared it all with her. We didn't talk about anything else, just what I heard from the psychic, and that felt good. She really appreciated that I told her about it. So it helped open the lines of communication and gave me strength to call her. Because I really didn't know what to do, and I wasn't feeling like I was in a place to call her until yesterday. I felt appreciative of that. On the way home my friend called to warn me that her child had lice, and well I got into a very anxious place. I remembered my experience with lice, and just began panicking. I check my kids, and had Sean check me and so far we are in the clear. However, I spent a good deal of energy feeling really stressed about it. It's funny how you can carry somethings with you from so long ago that you don't even think about anymore until a similar situation pops up and then oh boy. I even had nightmares about checking Bri's head and finding them in there. Last night I was supposed to go beading at a friend's house, and I began to get a headache that just got so bad, I felt like I might throw up. So once again, I went to bed around 7pm. This morning I woke up, still in a bit of a frenzy. Talked with a couple of friends, felt like some of my emails weren't taken how I meant them, cleared them up though, then spoke with another friend, who said just what I needed to hear. I wanted to give her a head's up about possible exposure to lice, and she told me oh they are hard to catch, no biggie. That just sort of took the panic right out of me. And I felt better. Ok yes lice are contagious. But she just gave it a whole new spin that I needed. Today we had a surprise party at my house for my friend's child, who's party we went to on saturday, where only two families showed up. And do you know that every family showed up but one. It was awesome. It was a complete surprise and it really meant a lot to my friend and her daughter. I love my circle of friends, they are just awesome. One of my friends, came up with this plan, and we all ran with it. The kids had a great time. And it gave me an opportunity to talk to Brianna and Gavin about things, and to model kindness and compassion in front of them. Brianna joined right in by preparing goody bags with safe candy for all of the guests, Gavin helped me clean today. It was great. I am just so thankful for my wonderful friends, and my awesome kiddies. Sean was really touched by us all also. He kept telling us how great we all were to do this. It all came together just perfectly, and I am glad we could bring some joy and show some love to our dear friends. I am looking forward to tomorrow. i am going to take the kids to the free movies to see Wallace and Gromit, then we have IHN park day, which I always enjoy. Friday, we're going to the beach with some friends, and will have a game night too. Sean wants to go to the ocean this weekend also. I have turned him into a beach junky...haaahaaaa (evil laugh) I did it finally... So I am feeling very tired. I think I will go to bed and tomorrow, I intend to focus on all that I want in my life, and pay attention to how I am feeling, and I intend to feel the best that I can feel in the moment. All is well. I have been picking cards. I will share my cards for tomorrow before I go to bed. My tarot are all women: mother of swords, mother of stones, daughter of swords I feel like the mother of swords shows I have been feeling shaky,confused, less stable, and mother of stones shows someone meditating, so I put forth the effort and feel more centered and then the daughter of swords shows someone radiating strenght, i take this to me, I begin to feel stronger, more attuned, more connected. COOL... my goddess cards: Butterfly maiden:Transformation:"You are experiencing enormous change right now which brings great blessings." Brigit:Don't back down"Stand up for what you believe is right" my fairy cards: Peace of mind: ahh yes I love peace Happily ever after. Love this card. I will write about them more in depth tomorrow. love my wisdom for healing card Live in the moment:Today's lesson: on this day, strive to live in the moment. Only speak about positive things in your life and avoid bringing up negative memories or situations. your goal: to experience how difficult it is to live in the present. Healing is rapidly enhanced when you're focused in the now. Abe There is an abundance of everything. (shortage is only a perception.) you keep thinking there isa shortage of abundance, but shortage is only a perception. There is a never ending stream of abundance; there is no shortage whatsoever. on that note, In Appreciation, D~

three day recap...

2006-06-04T19:08:00.000-04:00

I don't mean to let so much time pass in between posts, because it's so helpful for me to journal. I seem to be really busy lately. Friday Brianna was in a foul mood, and I handled it wonderfully. We managed to do some schooling, can't remember what we did-now three days later...I know she read and practiced her piano, and oh, we worked on the months. She wanted to learn them, so at first I asked her to look through her calendar book, because they are in there with the seasons. Then I remembered, that's just her looking, and it would be great for her to look, do and hear & of course have fun. So on our lap dry erase board, I divided it up into twelve equal (or as equal as I managed) boxes. I listed each month on top, in each box. I then (got this idea from the perfume experiment) asked think of the month-I helped remind her the season, what holidays/birthdays or special days occurred in that month and she was to draw a picture or write words to help her remember each month. For January-she drew a wintery picture, for February she drew hearts, etc..As we went over it, I had her read it all and explain it all to me. Then I asked her to bring the dry erase board into her room and go over it every morning to help her remember her months. This morning, curious to see how she was doing with it, I asked her to name all of the months, and she did it easily. I asked her if she'd been looking over her dry erase board every morning and she excitedly said yes. It's so cool when you find something little like that to help them learn something. Later that day we went to a friend's house for swimming and playtime. She's got two kids, one a little older than Brianna and one a little older than Gavin. Well, my friend was watching another little girl closer to her daughter's age. I admit I felt a bit nervous that Bri might feel left out, because this my friend's daughter and Bri just don't seem to click. Bri tries hard, but this little girl just doesn't seem to be all that into her. Brianna often complains that some of the older girls (older being 8, 9 & 10) don't always listen to her when she talks. Like she'll talk and they just stare and walk away. I know it really upsets Bri, and of course it rustles my feathers(considering all of my issues). I have seen them do it here and there. Well anyway, at first they all seemed to be playing nicely. After a while though, the girl just stopped answering Bri. She'd call to her, and this girl would go under water or not even be under water but just ok fine I'll say it, ignore Brianna. Brianna said "so and so won't answer me". I saw it happening and felt a bit annoyed. So I suggested that she could let her friend know that it bothers her that she's not answering her when she calls her name or asks her a question. I told Bri I would get her friend's attention and then Bri could talk to her. She didn't seem to want to do that so I didn't push. When I saw it happen again, I just tried to validate Bri's feelings. I said, that must not feel good for a friend to not answer you-huh? And she said no she didn't like it. I told her that I wouldn't like it either. Well maybe the friend heard us talking, because she did a turn around and began answering Bri when she was asked a question. Now in this girl's defense, maybe she was just getting tired, and needing space and quiet. Maybe, Brianna is just a bit "young" for her, or maybe things haven't clicked for her. I think of all of the friends in my life, and how some that I am friends with, I haven't clicked with exactly, and it doesn't mean I don't like them, it just means I haven't felt this strong need to get to know them better than where we are already at. And it's ok. We can't be close with everyone. It's nice to have casual friends. I talked with Brianna about this on the way home, how some people we are really close with like her and M., S, J, etc.. and some you know a little bit. I also explained that it's like that with me and my friends, and named some of my good friends, and named other friends/mom's she knows of in the homeschool group and she sort of understood that. I wanted her to get the point that it's ok if she isn't close to some of her homeschooling buddies. Overall we had a nice day. Friday night a friend's husband came over to play games. My friend is out of town, so we thought we'd keep him company. It was fun. Yesterday we went to a friend's daughter's party. We swam, jumped in a bounce house, played, swam and jumped in a bounce house. It was such fun. It ended up being just a couple of families, and it felt a little more relaxed because of that. I didn't have to be so on guard with less kids. My friend was feeling sad about somethings, and I do hope she is beginning to feel a bit better. I emailed her earlier, trying to be supportive, and write just the right things-which is a bit unrealistic. She's always so compassionate, supportive and loving of me, I just wanted to offer that to her. Sean usually leaves other people's parties a bit stressed and disappointed. He doesn't usually get to socialize or relax, and he was very excited at the fact that he could relax, and that he got to talk with friends. It was great, the twins are able to float around in the pool easily now. Very low stress for us. Gavin is swimming, and just need to keep an eye on him for when he gets tired. Brianna is easy, she's swimming completely on her own. I swear I am a fish, I was in the pool most of the day. And it felt great. We ate homemade, yummy food and just being able to hang out with my close friends was wonderful. I never once felt excluded, never once felt ignored, never once felt sad/angry or even withdrawn. These gals help bring out the best in me and I really appreciate that! It also reaffirms that it's not all me. If it were it would be happening in many social settings-and it's not so there(SPPPPLLLAATTT-that's me being silly and blowing raspberries) lol..Gotta find the humor in things right? Back to my friend who is in pain, I see her surrounded by love and light, and finding ways to feel better. I see her appreciating all the things dear to her-she's strong, empowered and will find her way to feeling better. Today, we were going to go to the ocean, however, I felt like we needed a down day. This week is already jammed pack..Tomorrow is our spanish co-op, in the morning and we'll swim afterwards. Tuesday, is my appointment with the psychic, oooh fun, my friend is coming over to watch my kids. Wednesday-drama, thursday IHN park day and what friday a free day-oh wait free day, yeah right we're meeting up with a friend at the ocean. Ok see what I mean? And my nights are packed too, monday drama, tuesday night beading at a friend's wed -Sean might play tennis and friday night we're having game night with friends. Busy busy busy! Though it's all fun stuff for me to look forward too. Oh and saturday, I am watching a friend's kid, and sunday we might drive down to west palm to see Sean's grandmother. Not fully into this idea, but well maybe I can shift somehow on that. How about I focus on the things I am looking forward to? Like beading night, yeah, I have tons of new beads to work with..yippee, or tomorrow swimming with the kiddies..i am nervous about the spanish part, I have no idea if Gavin will sit through it or if the twins will tear my friend's house a part. I should try to feel a bit better about that. I was nervous about them for co op at another friends house, and they did great. Maybe they'll even want to sit through the spanish wouldn't that be great? Wouldn't it be great, if Gavin enjoyed tomorrow, enjoyed learning spanish with friends? And wouldn't it be nice if the twins busied themselves in a way that was harmoniuos with what we were doing? And wouldn't be nice if the kids and moms felt good about it all? It's fun playing the wouldn't it be nice game. So today, Sean slept in, I worked out, kids got bathed, went to the mall with Bri and Gavin while twins napped. Bri's left ear has been irritated and crusty. So we went to the place where she got her ears pierced and they took a look at it, and said that it was irritated, not infected, and that they suggested hoop earrings so that the inside of the ear could heal. They advised me to clean it everyday and also after swimming. I asked the girl if she could put the earrings in for me, and she told me she was not aloud, but could guide me to take them out and put them in. These stud earring they make now you have to twist and pull, try doing that on a 7yrold with an irritated ear. I noticed that as I tried this she didn't have much faith in me. She wanted the girl behind the counter to do it. I didn't feel bad though, I think she caught on to the fact that I didn't feel confident about it. Originally, I asked if the girl could do it, I then asked how to do it and well I probably didn't come off very confident. I will be sure in the future to exude a bit more of knowing. After five minutes of watching Brianna pull away from me, this lovely girl, broke the rules to help us and took Brianna's earrings out. I was very thankful. I easily put in her hoop earrings and well now she's estactic. She keeps telling me how better her ears feel, and how itchy they were, and how happy she is that they feel better. It was nice to hear her appreciating her feeling better ears ;) Oh and big news, she lost her first tooth this friday night. It's taken her 7 years and 7 months, but out it has come! I think she forced it out a bit, she told me she tied a string to her closet door...lol..what a brave girl I have. She's a perfect example of a girl on a mission. She is such my daughter. When she ran downstairs 8:30 friday night with her tooth and she was so excited, her eyes were lit up, her smile was HUGE and it was so contagious. Sean and I jumped out of our chairs and hugged her, all surprised that she had finally lost a tooth. It was so wonderful and Sean, took a picture of her, well a few, and each time her smile was so big, and it wasn't forced at all in any of the pictures. You know when after a while you feel your smile isn't real anymore, well hers was so real. It was beautiful. I keep looking at her in wonder, and thinking wow she's lost her first tooth. It's so bittersweet. She's getting so big. Back to today -geez I am digressing a bit here. After the earring place, we went and had pizza, and then went to the toy store. As we walked in to the toystore, I felt this strong urge to call Sean, we had this plan to go see Over the hedge as a family (due to Keegan's request to see a movie ). So he picks up the phone and says "your psychic. The babies were just starting to make noise and I am about to get in the shower, but thought I should call you to give you a head's up. A few seconds later the phone rings and I think if this is Davina it's so weird." Sure enough it was me. Too funny. I love when I listen to those little "tugs" to do something. We went to the movies, had a great time, the twins did wonderful. I think this is the first time we made it though the entire movie in a theater. Keegan was enthralled the whole entire time! Hayden is more interested in cuddling during the movie and looking around, but it still worked wonderfully. When we left it was pouring, I mean pouring. And we parked in just the right spot. It happened to be far away, but it was in an area where we could walk under an over hang. And from there Sean didn't have far to go. I was so happy it was raining. All the trees, grass, plants -the earth was getting the water it needed. My cards today: Tarot: ten of cups, son of swords, and two of stones AGAIN.. I felt this related to three different issues in my life: my grandmother has a problem that I am working on, and I feel this shows I will succeed in bringing about a fair solution. With regards to parenting, things will come into balance more for me, and I will succeed in finding fair and harmonious ways to parent. With my friend/friend's husband: Things will resolve themselves. Goddess cards: Guinevere:true Love:things will be more romantic between Sean and I Rhiannon: Sorceress-truly one of my most favorite Goddess cards..Yes I am magical.. Kuan Yin: Compassion:I love her affirmation/message"Release judgements about yourself and others, and focus on the love and light that is within everyone." Fairy Cards: Trust your intuition Detoxification Letting Go-solutions and answers come when you let go.. ABE: My health and well being are natural and forever. I bless an appreciate every religion..This in itself could be a whole other post. One day when I feel guided to journal about that I will.. First I seek joy, and all else follows. Reflect on Pride and Ego Notice subtle changes. More tomorrow if time allows, In appreciation, D~

I am back to share some more positive things

2006-06-01T22:34:00.000-04:00

Today was a good day. I have been having a great time homeschooling the kids. Today we made our own perfume. Gavin wasn't as into it, but Brianna was loving it. We made cleopatra's perfume and Brianna created her own scent which she calls "Christmas". The main scent is peppermint-so it made her think of candy canes which led to Christmas. I feel more focused and excited about homeschooling. Every day I write on our lap dry erase boards what we'll learn about-with their input. Gavin chose to do yet another math lesson (third day in a row). We listened to poems on cd, and Brianna read along to them. Gavin did his reading, and Brianna read independently before I was even awake. Gavin did drawing on the magnadoodle, and Brianna created a beautiful picture on her dry erase board. We played educational games, listened to classical reason, went over the days of the week with Gavin, and Brianna requested I help her remember the 12 months. That was cool. She did some more reading on crystals/rocks. Gavin worked on some puzzles, and with lincoln logs. Oh and Brianna also practiced her piano and worked in her diary before I woke up. I encouraged her to do some things in the morning besides just watch tv, that way we could get to the stuff she wants to do quicker, like experiments etc..We did some beading this afternoon also. I felt today, I was more clear and focused about what I wanted. It felt easier to ignore crap behavior and fighting. Even with the difficult conversation I had, that could have really sunk my day, but I didn't let it. I feel good that I didn't let it bring me into a really bad feeling place. I have moments when i think about it and feel a bit annoyed, but no real angry or despair feelings. Yay me! It's good to be one's own cheerleader ;) Words to live by. Tonight, I spent time writing a letter (my Nanny would be so proud) to the FPEA. They held the convention this past weekend. I kept the letter as positive as I could, and kept in mind to focus on what I wanted, not what I didn't want. I am proud of my letter. I am looking forward to getting a response that will feel good. my cards for today: tarot: Death, two of stones, and the hierophant..I got a clear message this morning about it, I hope I can remember it exactly, death is change/ and letting go of somethings, two of stones, brings in balance, harmony and the hierophant felt like an awakening-they all felt connected and it really resonates for me. Ultimately it signifies to me, thrust into change, feeling better, and a more heightened awareness-closer connection to the real me. My new fairy cards, by the lady who makes the Goddess cards.. Peace of mind:make peacefulness your highest priority. commit to taking steps to ensure peace of mind and take those steps today. My mind is now peacefu, & I know that all of my needsare taking care of. I can rest easily assured that all is well. Rise above problems:When you are in the middle of a problem, the solution often evade you. See the situation from a higher perspective, and you may see a new way out. My heart, my mind, my life, and everyone in it are perfectly at peace right now. Good card to get, and I believe I did rise about the problems and conflict today. I would like a solution to come to me regarding my friend. Til it does I will continue to work on me. Honoring your true feelings:By drawing this card you are urged to listen to, and follow your true feelings. Do not betray yourself, or rationalize that it's acceptable to deny your inner voice. i listen to, honor, and follow my true feelings, knowing that they are answers to my prayers. This was good to get today also. When my friend's dh was "unloading" it was hard to accept. And I didn't accept it all, but I did take some responsibility, and that felt good. It felt good to reject some of what he was saying and view myself how I see myself and how I want to be. Goddess cards: Mary Magdalene: Unconditional Love: "Love yourself, others and every situation no matter what the outward appearances may be." This was really excellent for me to get. First loving myself and forgiving myself, and feeling good about myself regardless of what someone else thinks or says of me. Then remembering to love others-my friend & husband, and even what happened sunday. Just a really good card to pick today. It's funny I picked all of these cards hours before the phone call, and it was so nice to see how fitting they all were. Diana: focused Intention:"Keep your unwavering thoughts, feelings, and actions, focused on your target and you will make your mark" I am focused today. Focused on feeling better, focused on enjoying homeschooling with my kids, focused on sharing my feelings with FPEA, focused on feeling better in regards to my friend. Focused on receiving guidance on how to heal the situation for me, and smooth things over. Focused on feeling fine, even without any resolution to the situation with them, focused on paying attention to the things I want to see in my kids, focused on expanding my creativity, focused on appreciating myself, focused on being easier on myself... Hathor: Receptivity:"allow yourself to receive, this will increase your intuition, energy and ability to give to others. wisdom for healing: Observe your conversations: very interesting, since I did have a hot and bothered conversation today. Examine your personal interactions. Determine whether you are someone who's always giving to others but who feels unnoticed or un appreciated. If that applies to you, it may be because you have an agenda to seek love that's built into your motivation to be of service. Your goal: to examine whether your interactions with others leave you empowered or disempowered. Yes, I think I do seek out love and approval. I have gotten better about this, however I think I do that with my friend that I am currently having conflict with. Actually that's part of it, I feel like I give and give and give, and that the friendship isn't always reciprocated, that's especially how I felt on Sunday when I felt I was being ignored. This is something to think about. I don't really want to "keep score". I just want to feel good about giving. And normally I do, however, the only way I can say it, is that I felt let down by feeling ignored by her. I felt almost like she couldn't possibly consider me a friend because of how I feel she was treating me. Again, that's very conditional love, and here I am striving to love people unconditionally. Well they say the first step is awareness right? identify your health related fears..um that's easy GETTING FAT. And today, I have been feeling fat all day long, yes it's soon to be that time again..;) Abe cards: I am a physical extension of creative, nonphysical energy. I see this day as a positive, new beginning. This card felt so refreshing, especially since yesterday, I had been in an angry place and having trouble with the kids. Today I felt refreshed and a bit more empowered. Last night, I called to speak with my mom, and got my sister. She was so high she couldn't even speak. I felt as if I was talking to my dad. I remembered when he took too much oxycodone or chlonopin. It spooked me and at the same time, pissed me off. I asked her if she was on medication, and she attempted to answer me in the negative. I told her not to bullshit me, because I have been around enough high people to know. I called my mom's cell, got her and told her Jenny sounded real bad. My mom confirmed that my sister took too much chlonopin. Just one more thing for me to try to feel better about. My mom said she'd call me tonight but hasn't. Maybe it's best. That's it for now...i will continue to focus on all the things that I want... In Appreciation, D~

difficult conversations force me to look within

2006-06-01T13:40:00.000-04:00

Today, I received a phone call from my friend's husband-from the Sunday event. hmmm where to start or begin. Ok, lets begin with how he told me that I came off that day from the moment I walked in, a bad, angry, unapproachable place. That almost everyone at the party asked if something was wrong, that he apologized on my behalf to some who I made feel bad. OUCH. Yes that was really hard to hear. Now looking back it's amazing I was able to stay as calm as I did. That's quite a mouthful to hear about yourself. Wow. So lets look at this unapproachable stuff. It's funny because sometimes I have a hard time approaching people, and I feel left out, however I don't usually personally view myself as un-approachable. That day, after the incident in the pool where I felt ignored and left out, I did shut down. So I told him, that I admit that I did shut down, and I guess people could have interpreted it as un-approachable. You know, I don't like that label at all. Let me find another label that feels better. Stand off-ish. Yes I was stand-offish toward after being in the pool. So he asks me why didn't you just join in the conversation. Yes I had a choice, and I accept responsibility for that. I could have attempted to make myself feel better, and joined in the conversation, or forced myself into it somehow. Hindsight, to have it in the present moment..ahhh. In those moments in the pool, I felt hurt, and sometimes I drown myself in it, I felt shock and anger that my good friend was not even addressing me in the slightest. My friend's husband stated that I was too un approachable/standoffish. I then said well didn't my friend have a choice too? Couldn't she have chose to try to include me in the conversation or ask me a question about the workshop I went to, or even pulled me aside to ask if I were ok? Again, he said I was too un approachable for her to do that. I put out to everyone I was un approachable and that's what I got back. I again, said this is my good friend, this is one who we've shared deep dark secrets together, wouldn't she knowing me, want to see if I were ok? That's it for me. I guess I expect a lot of my friends, maybe because I put a lot into my friends. Is that fair? Good question. Probably not. It's not really unconditional love is it? Maybe it's what I need to do and think right now to feel better. Maybe I just need to realize that the friendship isn't exactly what I want or how close I want. Maybe then I can just get over it. It's that feeling of disappointment that I need to let go of. I am digressing though. So, it's a lot to hear that you are un approachable and that just about every guest had something to say about it. My friend's dh said it happened the moment I came through the door. I told him I didn't agree. I was happy to be there I went over to hug my friend. He said I jumped down his thoat when I was asked to watch his son in the pool. Here I thought I was just explaining where I was coming from-that I wanted to focus on my son to teach him to swim. He was offended by how I spoke to him. I don't remember being nasty, but who knows? I agree that at one point I became standoffish because I was close to tears. Could I have gone into their house feeling standoffish already? or isolated already? Could feelings of isolation from the convention still have been with me? Or could it be that for the past few years when I have gone to their house, it's been stressful because of the twins? They usually get into things they are not supposed to. I could I have gone into the house, already feeling a bit stressed or anticipating the stress. It could be, the more I think about our experiences in the last couple of years, it's anything but easy. Does it even matter at this point? probably not. It hurts to take on some of these labels. He also stated that I was rude to someone else's child. And that he apologized to the mom on my behalf. Ok. I am in the pool trying to get Gavin to kick his feet out behind him, which he's refusing to do. It's a bit frustrating. Then this little girl is talking up a storm which kids do. Many times she'd talk as I was talking to Gavin. I didn't always stop talking to Gavin to talk to her. I talked to her when I could, but I remained focused on Gavin. How often does Gavin get one on one attention. It doesn't happen very often, but at the same time, I would never purposefully try to make a little child or her mother feel bad. If the mom felt uncomfortable, she could try to redirect the child in conversation or come over and talk with her child too. If I saw someone trying to teach their kid to swim and I thought my child might feel bad that she wasn't getting the attention she wanted, I'd give it to her. No need to feel bad about. See, I am explaining myself to this blog, because some of the comments said by friend's dh, really hurt. And I am attempting to make myself feel better. He also said that many times he talks to me I am mad, or sad or happy or have nothing to say. It's kind of funny, isn't that how it is in life. Don't we all go through periods where we are happy sad etc. I told him that it's funny because it sounded like he was describing himself. At the same time, a voice in my head is saying remember this is his perspective. Don't take it to heart too much, let it help you guide yourself to new desires. After all, he is the one who told me that by homeschooling I am not being fair to my children. Many of the things he says doesn't always come from a very loving place. A lot of times it comes from a place of I am right and you are wrong, and I need to make you see how wrong you are. Hey we all have that in us, don't we? When we feel we are right it's sometimes can be hard to see someone else's side. I did try to see his side. KUDOS to me. He's right I can't always expect people to make me feel better, like I did of his wife-I have got to do that and he's right I could have joined in the conversation and made myself feel included, and he's right that I went on a downward spiral and did become standoffish/sad/angry or by his words unapproachable. However in my book someone who is unapproachable, is someone that I frightened of someone who is carrying a weapon, or who is acting insane. But that's my book each their own, that's why though, I will reject that label. Here's what I want: I want to feel good about myself, I want to learn to make myself feel good, regardless of what's going on around me, when I begin feeling ignored or isolated, in that moment I made an effort to feel better instead of embracing myself in the pain, I want to emenate (sp?) happiness, joy, good feelings and well being..However when i don't always do these things, I want to be ok with myself and forgive myself. I do the best I can in the moment from where I am at. And at the same time, I should also keep that in mind with regards to my friend, and it's good to be able to do that, because a few days ago I couldn't even utter these words, she did the best she could in those moments in the pool. My friend's husband kept doing these annoying things, like telling me when he's at my house for a party and not in the conversation he doesn't get angry/upset. Well good for him dammit. I am trying, that's all I can say, I am trying to be the best me I can, and I don't always succeed. Heck lately it feels like I am failing miserable. Ok, this pity party direction, definetly doesn't feel good. How about focusing on my friends who love me and think the world of me? There's many of them and I don't think any of them would ever use the word unapproachable when describing me. They use many words that feel good. So I will end this post with that. I have more to share so I will try to come back later. I picked some really cool cards and I got some fairy cards and I want to share them. In Appreciation D~

Feeling much better and fun things to share..

2006-05-30T18:50:00.000-04:00

It's great to feel better. And nothing has changed with the situation with my friend and myself, we haven't spoken, and yet I feel better. It's wonderful when I can get a handle on how I am feeling and just feel better regardless if things have been "fixed", or changed. Patting myself on the back for a moment. That's what it's really all about for me and what I want, feeling good regardless of what's going on around me. Monday, we went to the beach with friends in the morning. And we saw dolphins!! I was so excited, because I had been thinking about how much I have been wanting to see some dolphins. I have never seen them out in the "wild", only in captivity. It was such a thrill to see them. It helped reminded me that what I focus my energy on, I can attract/manifest. Last night, I relaxed with Sean, and spent some quality time. It was nice, giving the bad feelings I had felt towards him from Sunday. He henna'd my foot. What a perfectionist he is! He was being super hard on himself, I just enjoyed having him henna my feet. They could have came out like crap and I would have been happy. Today, we had an awesome day with homeschooling. First thing we did a geode experiment, where we broke the rocks to search for crystals. The kids loved it. Brianna got out the rock book and read to us what geodes were. She's decided she wants to do a unit study on crystals/rocks. So tomorrow, she's going to use all of my crystal rocks/ and beads and use the rock book to figure out which are which. Her idea! Actually we started the morning off in a circle, talking about what we were going to do and sharing whatever needed to be shared. They also drew cards to set the tone for the day. It was really nice. Gavin and I, did some role playing with his knights(next time I will have to pick another type of toy-DUH) about hitting. I wanted to show him he had other options besides hitting back. The knights didn't really do the trick ;) Brianna joined in and shared what she would do if someone hit her, so we'll figure a way to share with him his other options-eventually. I bought both kids singapore math curriculm. I LOVED it. First it explained it so easily to Brianna that I didn't get the normal tantrums I can get with math. She did one full lesson in each book, without complaints. Gavin did his math wonderfully. They each read, worked in all of the critical thinking books I got, and played some educational games. We did quite a bit today. I told Brianna & Gavin that for the summer we'll do singapore 2x a week, and when school year starts, we'll do it 3x a week. Tomorrow, Brianna gets to choose what she wants to do. She already knows she'll be doing the stuff for the unit study, but she'll get to pick everything else. She was in such a great mood she said she'd even do math tomorrow-we'll see ;). I am very proud of both of them. They really did awesome today. I have set a reading goal for them. Brianna is to read 6-8 pages in her Nanny McPhee novel every day. She's already on chapter 8-how exciting. And Gavin is to read in his book one page every day. It's nice to see the two of them so excited about learning. This afternoon we went swimming over at a friend's house, and I am extremely excited AND proud to announce, Gavin is swimming on his own. He's even swimming underwater. No floaties or anything. And I had the twins with me, and still he just kept at it. I watch him carefully but he seems to know when he gets tired, to float on his back or he'll swim under water to get momentum going. The twins did excellent also. They floated around the WHOLE pool in floaties without clinging to me. Keegan was even getting that he needs to keep his mouth closed. It was really awesome. Brianna is a strong swimmer, and her and her friends were all playing fun pool games. It was just a wonderful day, I really enjoyed it. We were all in the pool for over three hours. Now that Gavin is swimming on his own, he seems to have more fun, and not ask to get out so much. He's very proud of himself, and it's really great to see him taking so much pride in himself. Ok, totally reveling in the day, but that's good. I feel renewed. Whoo-hoo. Well I am going to work out, shop and fold laundry. So I should get going ;) I did pick cards today, just not sure if I'll have time to post them. In Love and Appreciation, D~ "enjoying the small stuff"

shifting my focus to other things

2006-05-29T07:39:00.000-04:00

I am feeling a little better today. A bit angry, which is good, it's a step up from feeling so sad. Yep, I deserve to be treated much better, and you know what it doesn't even matter anymore. I am at a point where I don't feel like even working it all through. It sort of like, I finally get it. I can talk and try to work through this with my friend all I want, but it might not necessarily change and I have to be at peace with that. I had talked issues with her earlier this year, and have felt so much better, until yesterday. That's pretty damn good that I felt ok with things, and maybe they hadn't changed all that much, but I still felt good. I don't have to allow myself to be treated the way I was treated yesterday, and I certainly need to learn to be ok with whatever is going on. I am at a point where, I don't I am just giving up about it. I think this is a good thing. In giving up, I am just letting go. I am also sitting here, feeling better and not in turmoil to get this situation better. It doesn't even have to get better. It can be just as it is. So that's where I am at this morning. Now on to other things. This past weekend, I went to a homeschool convention with FPEA. I went with two close friends. Friends that are so kind, loving and fun. Friends that treat me exactly how I want to be treated. See shifting my focus to when I do feel included, when I do feel treatly kindly and lovingly. I need to keep things in perspective, really one day of one friend avoiding me, not so bad in the friend scheme of my life. So anyway, we left early Friday morning, I mean early. Anyhow, as we were getting ready to get on 528 or when we were on it shortly, we were detoured, and we saw police cars zooming the opposite way. We found out at the convention, that there was a 26 car accident. That just blew my mind. 26 cars, holy cow. Anyhow, A commented how she was happy I suggested stopping for breakfast and C thanked A for forgetting her phone. The little things that hold you up and help you avoid situations you wouldn't want to be in or behind. The convention, hmmm it hit some sore spots, yes indeed. I am really glad I went. I had fun with my friends. I purchased awesome stuff to do with the kids. However, the FPEA and it's vendors/speakers, were almost exclusively Christian. I really had no desire to go to the faith based workshops, I just didn't feel like I would get much out of it. I chose the workshops that were not labeled faith based. Even the ones no labeled faith based, had some praying, religious content, mainly it was the attitude of the speakers that rubbed me the wrong way. They just all seemed to assume that everyone in the room were Christians, that there might not be another person in the room who might be Jewish, Muslim or any other belief. Many of the speakers, also did not stay on topic. The first workshop Secrets Teachers never tell, I don't know of any secrets I got from her. She mainly told story after story about herself, her family. I wanted them to stick to topic. I wasn't there to hear her life story, or how she serves God, I was there to hear Secrets teaachers never tell. Many workshops, I walked out of. I ended up skipping some workshops, when I passed their booth in the exhibit hall and saw how religious they were. I wasn't there for the preaching, I was there for information about homeschooling. That's what bothered me the most, was that I didn't feel represented. There should be secular speakers and there weren't any that i came across. I was glad I was with my friends. I was able to look at someone and roll my eyes or see them roll their eyes, it was just comforting. Out of the workshops, I got 3-5 messages. One was that children learn by seeing, hearing, doing and having fun. Workbooks give a lot of information, but are boring for kids. Classical music is the best music for children to listen to especially while they are learning. Unit studies are probably the most fun for children, and I learned that unit studies are really thinking out of the box. It's more than just focusing on the ocean (ex), it's about incorporating different skill while studying the ocean-writing, math, history etc. I didn't quite get that before. Also, teach kids to do their own research. Don't try to bring school stuff into your homeschooling. Like raising your hand, or having to sit still. The benefit to homeschooling is that kids don't have to be treated like there's 20 or 30 of them. Their homeschooling can be tailored to their needs. Some kids have a hard time sitting still, so let them learn while they stand or figit. Also, ideas I got was lap wipe board. So that if we're doing math or english, they can write their answers on it, and this way they are seeing, doing and hearing-hearing as they say their answer out loud. So even though I walked out of many workshops, and felt frustrated at times, I did get what I needed to. The exhibit hall had everything you can imagine for home schooling. I don't know how many booths, it seemed like 100 to me. Different curriculms, math books, spelling books, games etc. etc. etc. It was crowded, I mean crowded. We split up for a bit, and I felt completely overwhelmed. I didn't know what to buy and yikes, just to look at stuff you had to fight people to get near the booths. I called my friend A and told her I felt I was drowning. So we met up and then I felt a little better and had some direction. i bought many hands on stuff, like experiments. I really only bought one workbook, which was their math, ended up being a work book. I bought many games, many puzzle type stuff for them to work with, I bought many critical thinking type books, and reading books, and gel pens, and diary, and calendar type books. i feel great and optimistic about all that I have purchased. And my goal is to make this year more fun, and to incorporate Gavin and the twins into the unit studies. The mobs of people took a bit out of me. There were times, when I just couldn't talk. I had to just sit. My friends were great, they understood and just let me be. They could talk and talk, and I didn't always have to be involved. I just needed to decompress. I really had fun with my friends, and I am so glad they were with me. I will never go to something like that by myself. i have more to write, but will end this now. We're going to the ocean this morning and I haven't done a thing to get ready. In Appreciation, D~

Good things to share but focusing on the bad

2006-05-28T18:32:00.000-04:00

It's been a busy busy week and I have lots to share. Right now though I feel so sad. So upset, and defeated, and it's like I want to share the good stuff and focus on it, but I am drowning in my sadness. Today a very dear friend of mine just completely let me down. I don't even think she's aware of it, and for once I have no desire to even try to fix it. I am in a place of well this is how it is, and I am tired of wanting more out of the friendship that she can't or doesn't want to give me. And why oh, why do I allow it to make me feel this bad, this low? I am so sad and yet angry at myself-oh god, I can't tell you how enraged I am that I would give all my power away and basically cry all the way home over the terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. All of my friends are very important, special and dear to me in so many ways. I often do things just to show them how very special I think they are and how very much I appreciate them. I don't have to, it's just something I enjoy doing. I also feel very appreciated by many of my friends. They do special things for me. Many of my teenage issues have been healed recently with the help of my friends. I was the kid in highschool who didn't really feel like I had any friends. I felt like an outsider. I felt alone. When I did have friends, I often felt completely alone, or left out. I didn't know how to enter a conversation, or get myself included in the fun. I often just shrank back and felt alone, rather then trying. I became sort of shy, and not very outgoing. Well, now I have many friends, and I don't normally feel the teen age angst. I actually mentioned to Sean, about how this weekend, two friends and I went to a homeschool convention, (which I want to post about badly-just need to get this out) and normally in the past, when there's two other friends and me, I feel completely left out. And it hurts. This weekend, that never happened ever. Even if they were engrossed in a conversation that I wasn't a part of, it was fine with me. Everything felt fine. My highschool fears never came out. I told Sean how happy I was and proud of myself, that I must be feeling more and more secure about myself and my friends, and that was a really big step for me. So I thought, yay I have conquered an old demon. I am healed and this will never again effect me at all. WRONG. So today, went to a dear friend's house. Walked in happy to see her, go to hug her, and you know how someone was just going to only say hello and they actually have to turn back to hug you, well yeah, that's what happened. And I was alittle deflated then, my excitement that is, because here I was all excited to see her-it's been a while and well it didn't seem reciprocated. Ok, no biggie though, I thought, maybe she's just busy. Another friend of hers came and when we were all in the pool, do you know she didn't even try to include me in the conversation. You know, she didn't even ask me a question about anything, or even try to talk to me at all, except at one time about Gavin needing water. I just sat there feeling horrible. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to make myself feel better. I didn't know how to include myself into their conversations. It really hurt, even now I type this and I am crying. It's an old pain. It triggered older pains. So I just sat there trying not to cry, and busying myself with the kids. When I went inside I drew cards to try and help myself feel better, and it did but I couldn't really sustain it. Basically my friend sat in the kitchen with her friends, and at one time she did talk to me briefly, and I felt my heart lift a little. How pathetic is that? I let whether a friend pays me any attention control how I feel. I am really disappointed in myself. It gets worse. So Sean gets there, and him and I are in the pool with the twins, and I tell him that I am having a hard time and that I am feeling isolated and alone, that my friend isn't talking to me at all. Mind you I am already near tears, and he gets mad. I told him, because I needed some encouragement or support. It turns into a fight between us, he's mad that I dropped this bomb on him when he came to have a good time, and why do we even come when we don't always even enjoy ourselves. I was so disappointed. You know what it doesn't matter. I am done writing about the specifics. I will tell you that my nanny could tell that Sean and I were having a serious discussion, and she being the nosy person she is, got to close to the pool and fell in fully clothed. Then she bugged me over and over what was wrong, and I just needed to stop talking about it. So Sean just tells me that my friend & her husband felt I was standoffish and that when they asked me to watch their almost three year old in the pool, I came off harsh or something. Not there exact words. All the way to their house, I promised Gavin I would work with him exclusively to try and get him swimming. Well, when they asked me to do that, I said no, because I am envisioning him being like my boys who are challenging to watch in the water. So I guess they were put off with my answer and the way I answered or whatever, and that could be why I was ignored by my friend. Who knows? I will say that the little boy, was easy in the water, I mean easy, and if I'd had realized how easy he'd be I wouldn't have said no. You know what, I am done trying to fix things. I put in a lot of effort, and well I couldn't imagine treating a guest in my home the way my friend treated me. Lots of people there that I didn't know, and I did feel like an outsider. Even if she thought I was stand offish. Heck, any of my other friends, would pull me aside and ask me if something was wrong. Actually none of my other friends would treat me like that even if they thought I was stand offish and gave them an answer they didn't like. Maybe I should focus on the friends I have that love me so much, that treat me so wonderfully, that really care so much about me, that reciprocate in so many wonderful ways, the ones who would ask if I were ok, or the ones who wouldn't even have to ask, would see my face, and give me a hug. I have many friends like that, I should focus on them. I will post again, when I am feeling a little more appreciative to share some of the good things that occured this week/weekend. D~

Laziness is good for my soul

2006-05-23T13:54:00.000-04:00

I am feeling lazy right now, and I am going with it. This morning we took the kids to the free summer movies with friends. The twins sat through the whole movie. It was awesome. When we walked in a woman held the door open for me, and saw all my snacks and confiscated them. I guess she was a manager. I felt pissed because I packed snacks to help the boys make it through the movie and well I was worried. However my friend V, was nice enough to get a popcorn, juice and Gavin's cheez its back. So the kids had something to munch on. Keegan sat near L and chatted with her most of the time. Hayden sat on my lap and cuddled the whole time, and Brianna sat with her friends and Gavin sat next to Hayden and I. After the movie, L took Bri and Gavin to the IHN readers luncheon at the library. So here I am sitting down relaxing. Not doing anything that needs to be done. It'll get done. I am just so tired, that I feel relaxing is the best thing for me and I should take advantage of it, since I have a quiet house. In a while we have a birthday party to go to. Then tonight I plan to be in bed by 11pm. No more 1 or 2 am stuff tonight. My friend just brought the kids home and it was nice to spend time talking with her. It feels nice to be around someone and feel even better in their presence. It's uplifting. It's also feels nice to be around someone, even if I am in a cranky place and feel that they and I are ok with that. No pressure to shift or put on a show. I like that. The last week, I have been in a cranky/irritated/impatient/sometimes angry place. Last night after the meditation, I noticed some relief, and some feeling of joy and empowerment. Today, feels a bit better today. I have snipets of relief and I am just focusing on them. It's really ok to feel cranky. I picked my cards today and loved them, they really helped me feel good. I wanted to keep Damara: Guiding children one, because she soothes me a bit, and helps me remember that I am a wonderful parent. I picked her the last two days. However, I decided to put her back and thought how fun it would be if I picked her again. And if I didn't, I could pull her out of the deck and keep her for today. So I pulled three cards and a fourth card fell out. first card: Sige:quiet time:"take some quiet time alone to rest, meditate and contemplate." Not surprised to get her.. 2nd: Brigit: Don't back down:"stand up for what you believe is right" not sure exactly what I need to stand up for, except for myself internally with the harsh judging voices going on lately towards myself. 3rd...ahhh Eireen:Peace:"There is no need to worry, as everything is working out beautifully." I love her.. and the fall out card was Damara:guiding children:You are good at helping, counseling and healing children. " I was so excited when I got her for a third day in a row. really, it was a little thrill for me. Abe: I bless and appreciate every religion. This is a glorious time for me to be on this earth Well being is my natural state of being Wisdom for healing cards: See the synchronicity Reclaim your power:Today's lesson:"Note one reason why you give away power in your everyday life and then ask yourself if that situation is worth losing your peace of mind over. Your goal to reclaim your power in a positive and mindful way. That last line will be my intention. I intend to reclaim my power in a positive and mindful way. My friend picked a card that I decided to keep for myself: Remain centered:Today's lesson:"Focus on conscious tranquility. No matter how stressful the day is, your intention is to remain centered and calm. Your goal is to learn that you can control your pyschic energy. " I intend to remain centered and calm no matter how stressful things feel or seem. I again asked for clear, positive uplifting cards with an easily read message. I asked to see uplifting things about me, my life and my path. i felt I had to draw four cards. Yeah, first card was mother of wands-she's the creator, the one who manifests her reality, she's empowered. Multiverse:Unbound: show's many planets with one lit up. Me regaining my power. Nine of stones:Material gain: balance, surrounded in purple white light-Source is all around, and I need to take note of that, even in the stressful times, I am surrounded by Source. Finally Ace of Stones:Abundance: just love this card. A rainbow, large white wings blue water, got this card and nine of stones yesterday. hmmm Ok, Need to go to a party for the kids' friends. In appreciation, D~

Tonights meditation

2006-05-23T00:51:00.000-04:00

I had a really nice time tonight with my "meditating friends". We drank some tea and I toured W's new RV. I realized how much I will miss her and felt a bit sad. I will focus the fact that she'll be visiting in the winter. Anyhow, we meditated. Mine was all about healing and shifting. I saw beings of light surrounding me. I felt all of this tingling in my body. My heart especially. I saw all of my chakras opening, with light looking flowers. Towards the end, my heart was burning, I mean burning. In the music that we were meditating, I heard the words "let me go" and I felt like it was pain I was carrying that needed to be let go. I asked how do I let it go and I received the answer that it will happen on it's own. That I don't have to do anything. Joy will fill up my heart and replace the pain. I received the message for myself to be easy and allow. V received a message for me which I just loved," She (me) will get what she needs." And W got the message that David will impact my sister. I thought that was awesome, she doesn't know my dad's name. She felt that Jenny is wrapped up in her pain, especially the pain from the loss of her baby girl. This meditation felt more about energetic shifts and healing. On the way home I felt such an exhilerated, joyful, empowered feeling. It felt wonderful. Oh, during the meditation, I saw my kids, and I felt such love and joy towards them, that felt nice also. It brought tears to my eyes it was such a strong feeling. It was strong in a positive way. It's like, that's how I want to feel towards them even more, such love. I am off to bed. In Love and Light, D~

Enjoying my day..

2006-05-22T15:57:00.000-04:00

The rest of Sunday was really quite enjoyable. Over the hedge was fun, and after Brianna and Gavin, begged to have their friend come back over to the house. Which he did, and the three of them played together til it was time for the sock hop. That really was a lot of fun. All the kids ran around on the skating rink in their socks, dancing to music. The twins had a blast in the playground. Brianna danced with friends, Gavin played with friends...Sean and I talked to others' when we could. It was nice to have the whole homeschool group together. They handed out awards to all of the children with a parental blurb about the accomplishments. We took group photos of all the homeschool kids, which I just love, because Gavin, Hayden and Keegan sat up front together and Gavin was being especially loving with them and the pictures reflect that. Brianna won the limbo contest, so she was estatic. Afterwards, we all went to a chinese buffet. Where we ate and hung out with friends. We got home after 8pm and got the kids down. Gavin is still asking when we can do that again. I just felt so enormous gratefulness and happiness that we are a part of such an awesome homeschool group and that I made the decision to homeschool. The whole idea of homeschooling gives me warm fuzzies and well the sock hop gave me warm fuzzies too. It just feels wonderful for me and my kids to be exposed to such fun, loving, diverse, creative and intelligent group of kids and parents. We have some high needs, special needs kids, and it's just wonderful to watch my kids and other kids be so welcoming to them. Ok-just had to write that all down, it feels nice to focus on the stuff that makes me smile. Today, we have had a low key day, no outings, no friends. It's been nice. I realize, I want to have one day a week like this. Just to hang out and spend quality time with my kids. Sure they ask here and there for friends over, but I kept them busy with me and eachother. I think we need that, so I intend to keep a day during the week/weekend where we just hang out together. Gavin is doing awesome with home schooling. I also think I am getting really good about thinking of different things for them all to do. His reading is blowing me away. I try to focus on him reading one page a day in his book. Then we usually do a few pages in his kindergarten book, and lately I have been working with him with categorizing, graphing and adding & subtracting cubes/shapes etc. We also have been playing lots of games, doing puzzles together etc. Same with Brianna, I have been adding games to our homeschooling, more crafts and giving her more freedom to choose the things she'd like to do. It really makes a huge difference. With the twins, we've been practicing cutting with scissors, playing matching games and matching similar shapes. They have been painting and coloring more too. It's like I had a creative burst and I am out of my work book only rut. I seem to be balancing work books with other learning things, and the kids like that a lot. Today had some rough spots with Brianna, and her math. She doesn't like word problems and she began to melt down. However, I asked her to go to her room and finish her work. She screamed for a bit. Then after it was out of her system, she was more reasonable and was open to my help, and finished her work and got all of her answers correct. We played many games today, we played HISS which was a bit young for Bri, but she enjoyed it, then we played Whonuit, which they loved, Bri and I played connect four, and guess who and clue. We even taught Gavin how to play Guess who, and Gavin and I played together against Brianna. She was being very loving with him also, especially since he hates to lose. Gavin spent a lot of the day vaccuuming and sweeping and cleaning up toys, Brianna cleaned up her room. Hayden and Keegan played nicely in their room as I was cleaning it. I even worked out for a bit today. Right now Bri and Gavin are playing on the computer together. Keegan is still asleep, and Hayden didn't nap. Oh well what can you do. Tomorrow we're going to the free movies with a friend, and that friend will bring Bri and Gavin to the reading party while the twins nap, so maybe Hayden will catch up on sleep then. This weekend, is the homeschoolers convention, I am looking forward to the night away with my friends' and for the seminars that i will be going to. I intend to find some new material to introduce to Brianna and Gavin. It's exciting. I think Sean's a bit jealous ;) Maybe he'll get a night away soon. I like my cards today. Goddess: I got Aphrodite:Inner Goddess Damara again:guiding children Nemetona:Sacred Space and Aine fell out:Leap of faith. They are all nice ones for me to keep in mind. Abe cards: My future isn't about my past(life is only about now). I love this line: Nothing that has ever happened has anything to do with now, unless, in my now, I continue to think and speak about it. It's my dominant intent to look for what I want to see. My purpose in life is joy. Wisdom cards: I am keeping my Relinquish control card. And I picked: Expect a miracle. Today's lesson: Expect a miracle. Something will come into your life that will serve your healing, so be open to it, and express gratitude when it occurs. Your goal: to know that the world becomes a vessel for the Divine when you see the Divine in all things. My tarot cards. Six of wands:victory the blank card five of stones :material difficulty..I felt so drawn to pick the top card, actually I wanted the top card and then chose the five of stones card,I picked the ten of cups:success and then I felt compelled to pick the next top card: ten of stones :richness I really felt like I have two ways of viewing my life. Victorious, successful and rich in love, friends etc..or hard, difficult, gray..the fact that I have one gray dark card and three really abundant beautiful cards, shows me that I have plenty of that in my life, and to keep focusing on all of the good that continues to come my way. I really liked these cards and this message I received. Oh and before I forget Gavin slept til 6am and only came in once then. YAY. That really made my morning. And gave me hope. I will try to write tomorrow, but we have a lot going on, although, I will have free time while the babies' nap and the kids are out with a friend. So it won't be as busy as I though. Tonight, I have theater and then I will meditate with friends. In Appreciation, D~

been busy-three day update

2006-05-21T08:30:00.000-04:00

Wow, haven't written in days. We have been on the go lately. Thursday, I spent in a somewhat irritated place. The kids were driving me bananas. We had a nice play date at wickham park, that took the edge off a bit. Got home rushed for dinner then brought Brianna back out to music class. Friday I had an overwhelmed sort of feeling going on. We went to a friend's birthday party at a public pool. The boys did great in the water, it just felt like a bit much. Gavin was frustrated because he wanted to do all of this stuff that he couldn't do. A friend helped me out by taking him into the deep end, and that made him happy. It was just hard to not be able to take care of everyone's needs. Gavin wanted to be in the deep end, Hayden and Keegan were better off in the shallow side, Brianna did awesome, I didn't even have to worry about her, cause she could swim all on her own. That was a huge thing. That's the tricky part with have multiple kids, you can't always make everyone happy and many times I let that bring me down. Eventually Gavin played with some of the other kids and had a nice time. We were there from 11am til 4pm. Long day! Some approached me with surprise over my tension level. That I wasn't in a calm place. I felt frustrated, it's like you try chasing and keep track of 3 boys in a pool crowded with kids. However, what it really comes down to is I feel like I am getting a reputation that I am this calm focused always appreciating person. I love it when I am that, however, I am not always that. I am human, and I do get into bad feeling places, and I do get myself into ruts. Lately I feel like I am in an irritated rut. It's no fun. I feel frustrated lately 24/7. I want to get myself into a better feeling place, just hasn't been coming as easily as I'd like. Moving on, Friday we got home, got the kids fed and to bed and had crop night at my house. Usually it's at a friend's father's house, but they had to cancel, and I didn't want to miss my creative outlet night. So a few friends came over and we did our thing. I finally made myself an anklet, which felt great. Lately everytime I beaded it was for other people, for mother's day. I made my sister a necklace to aid in her healing, and I made a friend's daughter a necklace that she had requested. I also colored in my mandala book. The night was fun and intense. A gal that comes, is trying to heal herself and she had some releasing to do. I flipped back and forth between wanting to support her, and wanting her to just have some fun and get over it. Real empathetic huh? Shows the frustrated place that I am in. I find lately that when there's a lot of talking going on, I sort of stop participating and go inside. Not sure why, except at times, I feel overwhelmed with the amount of talking, and that I just don't have the energy to keep up, I also at times, feel frustrated, because I sometimes want to talk but just can't find a time to come in. Again, I believe this shows the frustrated place I am in, it really has nothing to do with anyone but myself. However it really caught my attention Saturday. We got up and went to the ocean together as a family. I had invited some friends. My friend that I went kayaking with came with her family, and another friend, I don't hang out with too much outside of homeschool activities came. She talked and talked and I just didn't have the energy. Seriously, I felt like I had to keep on eye on my family, and spend time with them, and I just couldn't even listen to her as much as I normally try to do. Even Sean, on the way home, said that I was really quiet and he was surprised about that. I was trying to explain that it just felt too hard to talk, or even to listen. Weird huh? I love talking and I love to listen, but lately I find going within, is soothing. Really, I had the most fun at the beach when I was in the ocean swimming, and then I found it a little easier to talk. I mainly spent time swimming or playing in the sand, and I just wanted to feel ok with being introverted a bit. We were there til 1pm, and then got home and showered everyone. We hung out as a family and I did some henna on my foot and hand. We had plans to see the Davinci Code with friends. I enjoyed the movie more than I thought I would, considering the reviews. It was interesting and suspenseful. I already believe Christ was a man, and that the bible is more a book of man made stories. So nothing in the movie rubbed me the wrong way, or pushed my buttons. I was wondering about Sean, however he enjoyed the movie. I was wondering how someone could enjoy a movie that contraditcted their beliefs so much. I guess that's good though. Shows he's open to other things, but in the same time, he believes what he believes. Confident , or rather has faith in his beliefs. Today, we have a busy day again. At 12 we're taking the kids to see over the hedge, then we have our homeschool sock hop at 4pm. Gavin has been waking up at 4am for the past week, week and half, and it is really getting to me. He wakes up and comes into our room several times. It's driving me batty, and it's really making me tired. I want it to stop and I want it to stop NOW. I mean seriously, why can't he understand that getting up at 4am and continually waking your parents is not a good idea? Ugg and I then I lay in bed extremely angry everytime he wakes us up. I stew, and it doesn't feel good. So now I am in a desperate place, and we told him he lost his computer and tomorrow he can earn it back only if he understands that anytime after 6am he can put the tv on, and that he will stay in his room while he plays quietly waiting for that time. That's it. I am done with it. I know I should line up energectically, though, I am just too mad to do it. I don't think it's asking to much for him to sleep til 6am, for him to watch tv at 6am, for him to let us sleep in peace. Really that's what I want, and I really don't think it's expecting too much and that's what I want dammit. Really, he needs to find ways to busy himself in the morning without the tv, and he needs to learn to sleep past 4am. He's slept til 6am before, and that was his usual awake time. If anything we're more active outside, so one would think he would sleep a bit more. I now have a game plan to get my needs taken care of, so that feels good. I don't feel so helpless. That's a step up. Now I just focus on remembering all the times in the past that he slept close to 6am, and that he didn't always disturb us continually in the morning. One morning he slept til 7:30am and that was awesome. Brianna is really good about letting us sleep in the morning. If she wakes up early, she plays in her room quietly until it's 6am, heck even the twins are good about playing in their cribs until we come to get them. I know that it's possible to sleep peacefully. Regarding Gavin in general, I have been feeling the love. He yells and screams, tells us he hates us, calls us names, says "blah blah blah" when we try to talk with him, teases his brothers endlessly and hits them. Add the waking at 4am and waking us up continually and yeah, I am pretty angry with him. I know that I need to refocus on seeing him in a different way. Seeing him as a kid trying to feel better. And I need to focus on his positive qualities and not give so much attention to his other behaviors, also remembering to not take some of his behaviors personally, and finding a way to accept his outbursts for what they are. Really just accept him in his good place and bad place and allow him to be just be. I know I got that message during my meditation and I seemed to have forgotten it. I intend to let him be who he is, and emotionally where he is. I will pay attention to the things that he does that feel good to me. And understand that he has a right to be in an angry or frustrated place. He just wants to regain some of his power. Can't blame him! I intend to focus on feeling better myself, and paying closer attention to my thoughts. I also want to let myself be where I am at, and be ok with it. Update on my sister: She's home. I don't know if they ever had a diagnosis. I am glad that her enzymes have stabilized. I hope that she's able to find a place to continue her healing, and I hope that she finds herself pain free. Gavin just ran downstairs asking for a papertowel, he's dusting their room. I love his helpful nature. I just wanted to take a second to appreciate that. Because I am after all trying to focus on the things I appreciate about him-right? ;) Back to my sister, I will call her this morning and see how she's doing. And I intend to allow her to be wherever she is. I have been picking my cards daily but just haven't posted them. I will pick some right now, and see if I feel the need to post them. Goddess cards: I am keeping Eireen:Peace: "there is no need to worry, as everything is working out beautifully." I picked her Friday night, and I want her for today. I also chose: Damara: Guiding Children:"you are good at helping, counseling, and healing children." Kali:Endings and Beginnings:"The old must be released so that the new can enter." Pele:Divine Passion:"Be honest with yourself what is your heart's true desire?" I like these cards. It felt good to get Damara, Kali reminds me to release the old, and focus on my present. Eireen reminds me that even on days that I feel angry or irritated that all is well. My Wisdom for healing: WOW: Relinquish control:Today's lesson, Identify one person you feel the need to control (Gavin), and think about why that power is so essential to you. (discipline him, keeping him from hurting his siblings, )What do you fear if your hold is released? (that I won't be able to discipline him, that I won't be able to get him to listen to me) Your goal: to recognize how much stress is generated in your body throught the need to control someone else. Well being: Well Being is my natural state of being. Throught he corridor of my joy is the pathway to my desire. Most say, "when I get that, I will be joyful." But you must be joyful first-you must start with the determination that I will not settle for less than feeling good." First I seek joy, and all else follows. I don't know what is with me but I can't seem to get a clear reading on my own tarot cards lately. Right now, I think I will make a yummy breakfast for myself, Sean and the kids. Pancakes, fake bacon, those pilsbury cinnamon rolls and some hot tea. Yes that sounds good. In Appreciation, D~

some progress

2006-05-17T11:52:00.000-04:00

I am feeling better, more positive more clear. It's nice. Last night I went to the girl scout service unit to present our leaders with the outsanding leadership awards. I got up, spoke in front of an audience using a microphone and read my nominations/reasons. I was nervous and shaking, but I did it-yay! It feels good to do things that I wouldn't normally do. It helps make me feel stronger. I spent time last night, picturing my sister as a baby, and how I felt so loving toward her. I was nine when my sister was born. And she had to stay extra days in the hospital, because of her jaundice. I could not wait for her to come home. I mean I was DYING for her to be home and be a part of our family. I remember, my aunt and uncle were watching us, and my parents called to tell us they were bringing her home that night. I ran around the house jumping up and down screaming," I feel like I just won a million dollars." I was so happy to have her coming home, I can even remember the joy I felt at the news. It felt so big to me that I could barely contain myself. I just had to yell and jump and whoop about it. I thought, wow how nice to feel so joyful about her now. I pictured her when she was a toddler and how she used to come into my bed, and I would cuddle with her. I also, sort of talked with the toddler Jenny and the grown up Jenny in my head, told her that I was sorry I couldn't love her unconditionally and that I wasn't always the best sister to her. I pictured her forgiving me, and me forgiving her. It really helped me feel a little softer toward her. This morning, I called the nurses in ICU and asked them to have her call me collect. She did, and she was in a lot of pain. We talked and I told her I picked cards for her yesterday. She was curious about what cards I picked, and I helped her with her "memory loss" and she began to remember that my dad passed, and that her baby passed. She seemed to like the messages of the cards, and appreciate them from where she was at. I was able to keep in mind where she was coming from, and that she'll get what she can get from where she's at. It's her path, and it doesn't mean it's bad. I wouldn't like it, but it's all her life and choice, and I can find a way to love her anyway. I mean, I do it for my mom and I did it for my dad, so why not her? I told her to call me collect tomorrow so we could talk some more and I could hear how she was doing. Tonight, I will look forward to just relaxing, nothing to do..ahhh. Tomorrow, is completely open too, yay. I like not having to rush to girl scouts-we are ready for a bit of a break. Friends are bringing Brianna and gavin to drama, so i will have some time to clean, or bead or whatever I want. Maybe the twins will sleep? Wouldn't that be nice. My cards for today: Abe: I see this day as a positive, new beginning. (It's never too late to have a new beginning.) I love this card, it's soothes me. It is my dominant intent to look for what I want to see. It is not my responsibility to convince anyone of anything. This was good for me to remember while speaking to my sister. Wisdom healing cards: Accept Life's challenges: Today's lesson: Reflect on the things you've been called upon to endure in this lifetime. Remember that we are all presented with obstacles as a way of helping us grow spiritually. Your goal: To examine the challenges in your life and make peace with them. hmmm like my sister? See God in all things: Today's lesson: Put yourself in slow motion, and observe everything and everyone through the lens of, "this is sacred and it speaks to me." How does that change your environment? Your goal: to learn the spiritual practice of seeing God in all things. like my sister? my kids when they have gone wild? me when I am down? I picked five Goddess cards: Nemetona:sacred space:this card says to me to connect with the Divine, meditate, focus . Isis:past life:this feels related to my sister and my relationship from childhood, maybe even past lives. I will continue to focus on healing my feelings in regards to my sister from childhood. Dana:high priestess:I will tap into Divine knowledge to aid me.. Mary Magdalene:unconditional love: that's what I need to give my sister and myself. Rhiannon:sorceress:"you are a magical person who can manifest your clear intentions into reality." I love her and she reminds me that I can manifest what I want-sort of a boost of confidence. My tarot cards are interesting, haven't gotten quite the clear message yet but maybe as I type I will: The hanged man=she hangs upside down, free flowing arms opened and embracing /allowing herself to be, lights fall from her hair, like specialness, her own specialness she shares with others, her own ideas, pink flowers are below her and a rainbow is in the background with two flying birds. It's like a sense of freedom of being who she is. Then there's the mother of swords: she is blurry, and her hair covers her face, there's a purple mask, a large all seeing eye, it's like she doesn't want to be seen, she doesn't want to show herself to the world. Then there's the father of stones, on a path, and really what just came to me is that there's a choice to be made, choose to allow others in and let them see the real you, or choose to continue hiding behind the mask. really this feels more for my sister for some reason, however something just came to me for me..That I need to make the choice to continue allowing the real me to shine, or let the trying times help me to hide. When I choose to face the hard situations and be the real me, it feels so much better. I intend to make the choice to be me, no matter what the situation, be true to me, and continue on my path. The father of stones feels like the path is just perfect, and that I am heading for wonderful things-neat. I will also need to keep positive thoughts about my SIL and brother, I know they are devastated at the passing of their dear friend. My brother called today and i felt all teared up. It sort of brings up the feelings of my grief. I can empathize with the family and friends' pain, a little too much. I will focus on soothing any feelings of grief that come up, along with seeing my brother and SIL as finding some relief from their pain. I have got to watch my own empathy and not jump into the dark feelings of grief and loss. In Appreciation, D~

Received some guidance...

2006-05-16T16:05:00.000-04:00

A friend helped guide me today during life class. I brought in my tarot and goddess cards that I had picked. Right away she felt that my sister is carrying around great pain, and lots of feelings of unworthiness that is manifesting into this sickness. She said it was important for me to process through my feelings toward my sister energetically. That going up there how I am feeling wouldn't be much help. That really resonated for me. When it comes to my sister, I feel detached, and cold toward her. I don't see her as my sister, she's almost a stranger to me. Really, what my sister needs is unconditional love. I wil process through my feelings and find a way to a loving place for my sister. I think I detach because I don't trust her and I don't want to get hurt. I feel like if I love her completely and believe in her, I will get let down. I am a little distracted right now. I just received an email from my SIL that their good friend and neighbor passed. I think it brings out feelings of my own grief and loss, and I feel for my brother and SIL because I know they are feeling really sad right now. It feels like there's a little too much going on right now. I wish it would let up, so that I could get centered and focused, and feeling better. My nanny's reaction to this scenario with my sister, is depression, and whenever she calls I hear it in her voice. ok, for now, I will sit with my boys and just try to be for a bit. And maybe later tonight, I will come back to journal through and feel more loving towards my sister. D~

no new news & still feeling disconnected

2006-05-16T10:23:00.000-04:00

My sister was never transferred, some misunderstanding and Mt Sinai never received the authorization, so they put her in ICU at Brookhaven. She'll be going sometime today to Mt. Sinai, my mom called and said that her condition isn't stable. My guidance or intution feels blocked regarding this matter. I know I should work through my feelings toward my sister, and hopefully will sometime soon I will. I really don't like this waiting game. I just want to know what's going on right now. I picked some cards with the intention of receiving guidance regarding my sister. Goddess cards I picked more than usual: Isolt:Undying Love: The love you have shared is eternal, regardless of the situation." again: Coventina: Purification: It is time for a cleasning detoxification of your body and mind:" Kali: Endings and Beginnings:"the old must be released so that the new can enter." Butterfly Maiden:Transformation:"you are experiencing enormous change rightn now, which brings great blessings." Sulis:Bodies of water:"spend time near water such as a lake, river or the ocean to recharge your batteries." I don't get too many clear messages from these cards, I sort of get this could mean this or this can mean that. I feel like they are directed at me and my sister. Like the purification card, she needs to cleanse her body and mind, but so do I. Kali, I need to release old feelings and thoughts in regards to my sister. And of course she does too. Butterfly Maiden, is also about accepting the cycles of life and death. Tonight if it's not raining after the girl scout meeting maybe I will go to the ocean-since I got sulis and I might need help recharging. And grounded myself and clearing my blockage with this. Abe cards: I choose my unique path to joy. How wonderful I am My health and wellbeing are natural forever. You can appropriately depart your body without illness or pain. my lessons for today: Let go of resentments See the synchronicity Examine your personal interactions. Picked tarot cards and couldn't read them yet again. i will bring them to life class and see if my friend will help me read them. My intention is to feel better and to allow good feeling thoughts and to allow guidance with regards to my sister. In Appreciation, D~

3 day wrap up

2006-05-15T23:16:00.000-04:00

Nothing new to report about my sister, and I actually don't want to think about it right now. I want to think about something that will make me feel better. Lets think about this past weekend. Friday night Sean and I went out to eat and had fun talking with eachother. It's nice that we have a lot in common. We went to a movie after. Saturday had many hard parts but skipping through the hard parts-I am in no place to even go there. We went kayaking with friends. First I took the girls, and it felt great to be on the peaceful river, paddling, I felt strong. Fish would jump out of the water. It felt wonderful. Then Sean and I took Keegan. He was so good, he sat in my lap, and we even saw a shark. That was really cool, because I wanted to see something, and it's not like the shark circled us or anything. Then I probably would have been scared. There was a park where we went kayaking. And we henna'd and beaded at the park while some of us went kayaking. It was nice. The kids had fun. Brianna and her friend colored a mandala, I made my friend an anklet. That night, we went to melting pot with my brother and SIL, that's always fun, we spend lots of time laughing, and eating yummy food. Sunday was wonderful. We got up early and went to the beach. We met up with friends. I swam in the ocean and jumped waves! I haven't done that since, well I don't even know when. I played with Keegan in the shore, I played in the sand, it all felt so good. I can't wait to go again. I'd like to go everyweekend in the morning. The kids couldn't get enough, and at one point, we had all of them out in the ocean. Finally we got home, bathed the kids ourselves, had lunch. And then I was comatose, I could not get off the couch. That was fine, Sean and I let ourselves be lazy. Then we got the grandma's and had pizza and ice cream. I drove them home and met a friend at the beach. It would have been really nice if we hadn't been getting sand blasted by the wind and sand. We hung out and chatted for as long as we could stand it, and then I stopped at walmart for beads and stuff for the kids. It was a wonderful fun, free feeling weekend. I appreciate all that Sean did to make the weekend special, it's really those little things, like putting the kids to bed everynight, or the card he got me. I just loved the weekend. Today, we had art co op. The kids had fun and so did I. Brianna and Gavin had some friends stay behind til about 4pm, and they really had a great time. It was nice, because I didn't have to break up any fights and they were over around the time I found out about my sister. When I needed a bit of peace, and I got that peace. I was supposed to meditate after drama today but cancelled. I didn't even want to go to drama, but made myself go. I really just wanted to crawl up in bed. Funny thing, at drama we had to do some stuff that was intense. At first it started with the usual fun games, then we had to do this feeling sensory thing, where she had us pick an emotion, and she talked us through a time, to get us really feeling the feeling. Talked us through a time of when we felt the particular emotion, and get us really thinking about what can trigger us back to the emotion. So I picked the emotion of spiteful ness (we had to pick an emotion from a character that we are rehearsing from), and then I picked a time when I felt most spiteful, which was when after my dad died, towards my mom and sister. She talked us through it so we could feel where the emotion started and boy I could feel it. Long story short, by the end I was crying in class. Given what is going on with my sister, probably wasn't smart to pick something geared toward them and so sensitive, involving my dad. Afterward, I went to friendly's with my friend for comfort food, and found I was talking lots about my past, and mainly the negative parts of it. I have to say, it really doesn't feel good right now to have focused so much on the negative parts of my history. Probably not the smartest thing to do, not sure why I did that. It just came out. But now I feel yucky. Maybe I would anyway, because of what's happening with my sister. I sure hope we get some good news tomorrow. I know my sister wants me there, I just haven't felt pulled to go yet. Well actually I don't know what I feel, I feel sort of detached from my intuition on this situation. I want to be there for her, just don't know if I will have anything to give in my current state. Ok, I don't even want to focus on this right now. I got Conventina:purification: again today. I also got Brigit:don't back down oh and IXCHEL, it's funny she's the healer, and she didn't really resonate for me til now with my sister. I liked my tarot cards, becauseI got the creator one, the powerful one. I got the harmony one ( I think two of stones) and I got the mourning one. hmmmm I am having trouble reading tarot, I was trying to pull some in regards to my sister, but I couldn't make sense of them. That's all for now, D~

My sister

2006-05-15T16:50:00.000-04:00

I haven't written all weekend. I was busy, and I have a lot to share. First though I just received a call about my sister that I want to process through. My mom called to say that my sister is in the hospital. Her liver enzymes are high and her liver isn't working properly. She's being transferred to Mt. Sinai in Manhattan to figure out what's going on. She'll be in intensive care. Of course this just brings up bad feelings. It seems like there is always something devastating going on with my family. It started in 2004 when my dad died. This past August my sister delivered prematurely and Sophia never even took a breath, in October my mom nearly died from an accidental overdose and then in the winter my Stepfather Tom, nearly died from a lung infection. He was in the hospital for months and had surgery. Before Christmas, my cousin Bunny passed on. I am just numb right now. It probably doesn't help to list all of these things, but I am just pissed off. It's like how much near death stuff has to happen in my family in such a short span of time? My sister also is suffering from memory loss. She doesn't remember that my uncle, or my father died. She doesn't realize what year it is. She doesn't remember that she ever had a daughter. And I feel terrible because I don't believe her. I think she's faking it. Why would she fake it? I can't answer that because I don't know why she does half the things she does. I don't understand her at all. Right now we're making believe her memories are right, because she got hysterical when my mom tried to remind her that my father had passed. The staff wants her calm. I don't know what to do. My sister wants me to come up. And when it comes down to it, I only want to go if it's terribly serious. Nice huh? In my defense, with four kids in the middle of the week, it's hard to just fly up to NY. And then trying to drive in the city, ahh no thanks. Never have and don't plan to ever try. Right now I just want to crawl into a hole for a while. I don't want to think or figure things out or even process through anything. I will leave it at that. And come back and journal when I am in more of a place to process through. D~

I really like may cards today for Saturday May 12th

2006-05-13T09:50:00.000-04:00

Good morning. It smells so good outside. I can't wait to to the inlet with my family and friends. It will be a wonderful time. I told Keegan we're going to the beach and he got so excited. I didn't make it for my hair cut, but will try after we get back. I asked Sean if for this weekend he could get the kids down every night and he said yes. What a gift, just to feel free to do whatever I want this weekend, and not feel bad about it. He's such a great person, I really appreciate him. We had fun last night at dinner. I can't wait for tonight. I love the melting pot, and it's so much fun to go with another couple. My cards today were really neat. At first there was a tarot card i didn't like, but now that I get the reading, I like it. I got Seven of wands again, which again looks like a strong card and being supported, like someone's got my back. Strength card, which is a woman on a lion, holding a snake, behind a great big sun. She feels strong and powerful, confident, glad to be where she is at. Then I got the nine of swords. This was the one that didn't feel so good at first. This one can represent someone stabbing you in the back, once when I got this it felt more like me being mean to myself. But I wasn't getting that this time. Now thinking about it, there might be someone who is still not settled about me, and there could be some behind the back talking going on. I asked for another card, when I at first didn't understand this card and I got the High Priestess. So it feels like even if there's some person or people talking behind my back, I have all of these strong cards surrounding it, which leads me to believe it won't affect me all that much, or I won't allow it to. My goddess cards: Coventina:purification..ahh more water, more cleansing. Dana: High-Priestess:"You have have divine knowledge that can help others through spiritual teaching." It's funny that i got the high priestess in my tarot too. Ahh one of my favorite cards:Rhiannon:you are a magical person who can manifest your clear intentions into reality. Vesta:Home Abe: The secret of creating anything desired: Get happy I envision more and act less I make many decisions and then make them right. Wisdom for healing: Eat healthful foods Observe your conversations. Looking forward to today.. In Appreciation, D~

Nice day today

2006-05-12T23:53:00.000-04:00

I enjoyed today. I spent it all outside. Took the kids on a field trip to the zoo to see extreme dinosaurs. No stroller for the twins. Just let them walk, had lots of help keeping track of them. keegan was so cute, he'd roar back at the dinosaurs. Then went to a friend's house for swimming. The kids had a great time. Well Hayden cried a lot, not quite sure. He seems to need to figure out a better way to convey what he wants. The kids swam and played nicely together. It helped give me an idea of what it will be like swimming with the twins. I am going to start taking them regularly, so that they can get more comfortable with swimming. We put floaties on them, because the floatie suits i got them just weren't working well. I am considering getting them swimming lessons. We'll see. When Sean got home, I pretty much ran out the door. The twins haven't napped in days and were very cranky and Bri and Gavin were cranky from the late night. I am happy to report that Gavin slept til 7:30, that's amazing for him! I wanted to get my hair cut, waited for 45 min and then left, cause there was still 5 people ahead of me. Maybe Bri and I can go tomorrow morning before kayaking. We have another fun day to look forward to. And another date night. It's fun to have fun.. I know real deep sentence there. Hey I am tired. i will post tomorrow after kayaking. Maybe I will bring my henna? We'll see. In Appreciation, D~

It feels good to feel good again..

2006-05-11T22:29:00.000-04:00

Ahhh..it's so nice to feel like this. It's wonderful. Last night, I went to my SIL's and we hung out. It was nice. We did cards, and well she's really intuitive-so it's fun! Then we made jewelry together, and I enjoyed spending time with her like that, I haven't done that in so long. Just her and I. And she's comforting to hang with. Though, my headache was getting worse and worse. By the time I left there I felt like I might throw up it was so bad. I had to take deep breaths the whole way home, and I came home, layed on the floor for a minute and then went to bed. I slept very soundly til morning. I woke up feeling a bit better. Went to girlscouts and Hayden had a hard time there. He was screaming and crying and I was near tears and emotional. We went to the park and had a great time. Hayden played nicely, Keegan ran around. I talked to all the people I really wanted to. It was so nice out, the wind blowing, I didnt' want to leave, but we had a play to get ready for. Brianna was in a great mood, and helpful too. She helped Gavin shower, and then she showered and she and Gavin helped me clean and vacuum. What great kids I have. In the bath hayden and Keegan were throwing water on eachother and thinking it was the funniest thing ever. Keegan does this thing, which I love, he'll just run up and pull my hand to his lips and kiss me. I mean, how sweet is that? The play was a lot of fun! It was nice to hear Brianna singing and ringing her bells. Then watching them in the play was just so wonderful. I love that they get to do all of these cool things that I never had the opportunity to do. Very cool. It makes my heart sing. Brianna seemed more confident up there this time. Gavin, seemed very shy, I am so proud of him for doing it even though he felt shy. He's my little elf. Twinkle toes elf ;) Then we all came back here for ice cream. I loved watching the kids play in the dark, I used to love doing that. It felt great to know they were having lots of fun, and I got to hang out with my friends what's more perfect then that? Some of my friends kept acting like it was a big deal that I allowed them to come over. Hey, it was more fun this way then going out somewhere, so I was actually thankful for the suggestion(you know who you are)! I think a new tradition has been started, one that I will look forward to. I am really proud of myself about something, well a few things, but I will post this particular thing. This morning, I was still in a sort of emotionally shaky place. And one of my friends called to discuss how I felt about the joking. She wasn't happy with my views on joking. The conversation didn't feel all that good. She felt like she would have to walk around on egg shells. She felt I was taking her jokes way too personally. I tried to explain to her that there are good feeling jokes, and bad feeling jokes, in the world according to me ;) However she couldn't seem to really get what I was saying. I can understand that she might feel limited. She jokes, I appreciate many of her jokes, there's some that just doesn't feel as good. That's my right to feel that way, but she has the right to joke and be as she wants. Anyhow, before I go on about that, what I am proud about, is that I could have let the conversation bring me real down again. I could have sat there worrying about what she was going to think of me and say to others. I decided differently. I actually said it outloud, "I am going to keep feeling better and thinking of this stuff isn't helping." Even if she thinks I am too sensitive, or complains to her friend about me, what's really the big deal. If she really likes me and has fun around me, then this will blow over. And just like that I let it go. Amazing, now maybe next time the jokes turn alittle yucky feeling, I could just say somethings in my head and let it go-well that would make me feel so happy. I think when the joking starts getting yucky feeling, I am going to think of something loving to say to that person, a compliment of sorts, and I will keep doing that to dispel my feelings. Because then I will be focusing on something I appreciate in them and feel good, and then they will feel free to be who they are. And maybe soon all the jokes will feel funny to me. Back to my friend, I understand why she feels frustrated. She feels like she can't be who she wants to be, and really I want her to be who she wants to be, so I will do my best to put my little plan into action. I have to say, that I felt so supported during this really painful period. I felt accepted, loved, supported, and understood. I really appreciate everyone for the all love. And the little things you said or did, was really helpful, one friend brought me flowers, another drove my kids places, and brought me sugar daddy lollipops. Spending the time to talk with me and listen and just offer hugs. I have to say I really truly appreciated it, and felt so blessed to have all of you rallying around me. Reassuring me, that I would feel better and that it was ok I was feeling bad. Thank you, I love you all. Picked some cards I'd like to share. Abe:I can relax into my natural well-being. Well yeah, now I can ;) What's my big hurry? It's all for joy. All is well. Tomorrow, I will focus my energies on enjoying. My joy doesn't depend on the approval of others. Big card for me. Today in order for me to feel better, I had to let go of worrying whether a friend approved of me. Yay me. Goddess: Maeve:Cycles and Rhythms. Since I picked her already yesterday maybe, I picked 3 more cards. Lakshmi:Bright Future:Stop worrying. Everything is going to be fine. Yep, I will quiet my mind-it's been working over drive ;) Athena:innerwisdom: you know what to do. Trust your inner wisdom, and take appropriate action. Isis:past life, I actually think she represents something from childhood, this whole teasing episode, was linked to something from childhood, and hopefully is healed. Wisdom cards: this one jumped out at me, third time this week? Choose to heal.. I picked one more: Let go of resentment. I think these two cards go hand in hand. Loved my tarot cards. Ace of stones, ah freedom, flying, wonderful everything. Eight of stones: I am balanced, I am connected, All is well Seven of wands: I am standing tall, shining bright, strong and supported. Yep I am back to feeling good. I have a wonderful awesome weekend to look forward to. I am going to the zoo with my children and friends tomorrow, swimming and having lunch with friends, going on a date with my hubby, not one night but two nights in a row. We'll see a movie and maybe walk on the beach tomorrow. And saturday night we're going to melting pot with my brother and SIL, who we haven't hung out with in a while. Saturday during the day, my family will spend time with another friend and her family, who I haven't seen in a while. I am really looking forward to that. Sunday, we're going to the beach, with another friend in the morning, having my nanny and Sean's grandma over, and then that night, I might go to the beach with a friend. Yep, an outside weekend. There's something really healing about being outside. Today I couldn't get enough of being outside. So I will have more to look forward to. One more thing and then I really must get some sleep. A month ago, I nominated all of our girl scout leaders for outstanding leader award, and I was emailed that they will receive the award, and the service unit, wants me to present the award and read my nominations. I felt so good, that I was able to write from the heart, about these wonderful women, and play that role in their earning the award. They truly are outstanding woman and I am so happy that they will be recognized for it and that I can be a part of something so wonderful. That's all, might not have time to write tomorrow, since it's so busy, but we'll see. In Love and Appreciation, D~

I feel as though I have been hit by a truck

2006-05-10T17:36:00.000-04:00

and it's not fun. I just feel really awful. And I am really beating myself up. I don't know why or what's happening, and I feel like I am in sludge and unable to break free. It's just so strange. I laughed and had fun last night, and I don't know how it all went down hill and snow balled into this! All I know, is that I spoke to my friends and they were very kind about things. All went well, so why didn't I feel better. Well then I began feeling bad that I was sensitive about certain jokes, I felt bad that it even bothered me at all. Then I looked around and saw what a state of a mess the house was in and how I had no drive to clean it. I focused on what a pain in the butt I am. I focused on how I couldn't seem to feel better, the bad headache I had, the gall bladder pain, the tiredness, I focused on how the twins wouldn't take a nap, even though they haven't napped in days and were up late last night, instead of feeling good that my friends were loving and supportive of me, and that I shared how I was feeling with them, I felt guilty and undeserving. I stressed about the next few days and the things that I needed to do. I felt bad that I didn't have the drive to bring the twins anywhere fun, or even play outside with them. It's like I can't even think a kind thought about myself. What the heck is going on. Where's that empowered feeling, where are those loving kind thoughts about myself? Where's the drive to feel better? Now when I look at my dad's picture I cry. What's happened? How can I just find a little relief? My good friend, either psychically picked up on my state, or read my blog, and called to offer to watch my kids. I couldn't even call her back to take her up on it. It's like I just froze and couldn't do it. Like I didn't deserve the help. She then dropped by with flowers and a hug for me. And as she's hugging me, I am feeling undeserving. Geez, how did this simple downward spiral happen. Maybe it's like, these are life long habits, that I am and have changed, but when something gets triggered then these old habits just take over. I have let them take over most of the day and beat the hell out of myself. I think it's time to take over. So right now, I will only allow nice feeling thoughts about myself. I do want to feel better. If a thought comes in to my mind that is not nice, I will turn it around. So I feel bad that I reacted the way I did to the teasing. Well, I don't think I hurt anyone's feelings, I felt how I felt, I shared it with my friends and worked through it on my blog. The big thing is that I did share how I felt with my friends. I couldn't have just ignored it, and still felt a bit bad, and then everytime we hung out and got teased a certain way, feel more and more mad. And really a lot of the teasing I find very funny. i don't mind being teased about some of my silly choices I have made during certain games, or for being a bit out there. That's all fun and doesn't bother me. I set my boundaries, and let them know what really didn't feel good. And I sure know what I want from my friends. I want to have fun, I want to feel supported and uplifted and accepted. And many of the times i do feel that. Most of all, though I need to support, uplift and accept myself. Ok, I feel a little relief. I had a fear that just sharing stuff that I was upset about would change their perseption of me, or that people would feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me. And even with my fears, I was able to share with them my feelings. That's big progress for me. Really, I just need to cut myself some slack. I had a day where I didn't feel good about myself or good at all and the day is almost over. Tomorrow will be a brand new day. We have some fun things to look forward to. We have girlscouts' celebration, park day and Brianna and Gavin's play. Not to mention, lucky me has two date nights in a row. Friday night we'll go to a movie and maybe I can even get Sean to walk on the beach with me before the movie or after. Then Saturday night we're going to celebrate at the melting pot my SIL's birthday. And Sunday is mother's day, and we'll go to the beach and have the grandma's over. It's all nice stuff to look forward to. I am having so many more good days then bad days. There was a time where I would have 3 bad days, one ok day and 1 good day and back to the bad. Right now I seem to be having one bad day every week-to two weeks. Hey that's really great. I will say that today felt especially bad, but it can be during the really bad days that we heal the most. So maybe tomorrow I will wake up and hear the angels sing. In Appreciation, D~

cards for today, Wednesday May 10th maybe?

2006-05-10T09:03:00.000-04:00

tarot cards: The hermit jumped out of the deck. Not surprised, I am feeling like I need to pull back and just be with me in a quiet place. Actually I feel like being a hermit, heck i didn't even want to leave my bedroom. The tower: I have never gotten this card. But that's how I feel right now. I feel like the tower and my body and mind are under attack. Funny thing it's by me. It's by how I am choosing to feel, however I am feeling a tad bit disempowered and well I am having a hard time feeling better. Six of wands: this is a soothing card, there's a bird in flight,beautiful blue water, I hope this card means achieving better feelings. Ten of Stones: the first thing I thought was even though I am feeling badly I am still surrounded by wonderful things, wonderful people beautiful things. That was nice too. So I think I am going through a bit of demolition, I am feeling badly, feeling disempowered, under attack, shaky etc, The hermit shows that I need time to myself, quiet time, to get myself feeling a bit better. And six of wands shows I will feel better and the ten of stones shows that even though things feel really badly right now, really all is well in my world. Two wisdom for healing cards really resonated: Choose to empower yourself. Today's Lesson:"This is a day to practice the power of choice. Choose the quality of mood you want-that is, whether you'll adopt a positive or negative attitude-the choice is up to you! Your goal: to realize that you do have the ability to enhance your life each day. So today it doesn't even feel like I am choosing, I am on auto pilot. This was a nice card to remind me that I can choose how I feel and right now by defaut I am choosing to feel bad. I intend to choose to feel better right now. My other card went hand in hand with this card: Be proactive:Today's Lesson:"Recognize one of the major areas of insecurities in your life, and see how much it disempowers you. Then identify one small action you can take to release that insecure feeling. Your goal: to observe whether you are proactive or passive since healing requires proactive energy. Yep, hmm insecurity, um feeling badly when I am joked at in a way that I feel I am the focal point of the joke. yep being pretty passive about how I am feeling this morning. I intend to be more proactive in releasing this, and I intend to be proactive in helping myself feel better. Abe: The secret of creating anything desired: Get happy! you know I am in a yucky place when my abe cards don't resonate at all for me. This one was nice: The Universe knows me and the Universe adores me. Yep I want to feel adored right now. Most importantly, I have got to adore myself right now. Well being is my natural state of being. yeah, not really resonating.. Goddess cards: Surprise surprise-SIGE: Quiet time:"take some quiet time alone to rest, meditate and contemplate." other messages were :"allow your mind to rest, release the chatter to heaven" yeah I am needing my mind to be quiet especially last night at 3am. Aeracura:Blossoming:"you are just getting started, so have patience with yourself and the process, and do not give up." slow down-yes I will do that today. Bast: Independent:"your independence is a foundation for your strength and success." This card resonated, it said to me, feel better on your own, don't wait for anyone to help you feel better just do it. Other messages of the card:"spend time ALONE, balance your social life with your solitude.."Another hang by yourself card. It's exactly how I am feeling. Maybe I haven't been having enough alone time. Hathor: "allow yourself to receive. This will increase our intuition, energy, and ability to others." She talks about being able to receive gifts, which is interesting, I had problems with that this week. she also talks about asking for help or receiving help without guilt. Again something I have had issues with. So those are my cards. This morning, Sean was in a terrible mood too. I guess the twins were up til 9pm and Keegan kept calling him and then at 9pm when Keegan finally fell asleep Hayden was up til 11pm and so they were sleeping late, and Gavin barged in there and woke them up. Sean was just really pissed, and how I was feeling, I was thinking, Oh no, we can't both be in a bad place, I need him to be in a good place. I know how selfish. However Bast tells me to feel better independently. Sean went to work which is probably a good thing. Getting out of the house and being around friends at work will probably help shift his mood. However, I am supposed to go out to my SIL's, I told him if the kids weren't asleep by the time I was ready to leave, I wouldn't go anywhere. I don't want to leave him high and dry if the twins are going to annoy him yet again. I really want them to be out of this phase already. It's always so nice when they go to bed easily and quickly. We appreciate that and have come to expect that. Anyhow, I think I will go curl up with Keegan on the couch, I am very tired. D~

Ok fine I am sensitive..

2006-05-10T00:53:00.000-04:00

Just got home, it's late and I am tired. Wanted to process through somethings before bed. Today, was better, not so many worrisome thoughts. Yay! Had a fun gathering at a friend's house. I found myself laughing and having a great time, lots of fun. I don't know what happened though, I just began to not feel as good, hmmm, I left there not feeling , well feeling a bit down. It's sort of funny, because I spent so much time laughing, but I found that after a while, I was forcing it more. This is so tricky, because dammit, I use this blog more like a diary and there are just times where I am like, ok do I use it for what I intended, or do I keep it to myself, so that I don't accidentally make someone feel bad, and of course there's this, I am really putting myself out there and well, maybe I will get judged. But I am not supposed to care about what others think, yeah right, if that were the case, I probably wouldn't be feeling a bit bummed. The bottom line is I am sensitive. I throw Green Tara back in the deck whenever I pick her, because I hate the label, but if I had thicker skin, then I would be feeling just great. So am I ever going to talk about what's bothering me? Just procrastinating, but it's late so I should get on with it already. I never have liked being the bunt of jokes. It's always felt bad to me. I am a bit disappointed, because I have been in a really nice place, and one would think that it wouldn't bother me as much, since I am feeling better about myself, but nope it bothers me. And it bothers me that I am this sensitive. There was a lot of joking going on, and some of it made me do a double take. I was surprised at some of the things being said. I am sure I joke at people too, though, when I catch myself doing it, I try to turn it around, because I really don't like when it's done to me and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't remember doing it all that much, and another friend was really doing it all that much either. It's just I didn't appreciate it. It didn't feel good. Here's how I feel, I feel like a nice person, I feel like I try to do special things for people -just for the simple joy of adding joy to their life. I don't know why I was attracting some of the joking comments I was receiving, and that disappointed me too. Then I get mad that I am this sensitive about it all. But then I get mad at the jokes too. I spent the evening making gifts for my good friends for mother's day. Using all of the wonderful crystals I bought and the charms. I am making something for each special friend for mother's day. I just felt like I was putting this love and energy into each of these gifts that I was giving as completed, and it felt weird to be receiving back these jokes that didn't feel so good. And behind that feeling, I felt unappreciated. And now it's coming together, at least how I attracted in some of those jokes that didn't feel funny, how do I feel a lot of the time with the kids-un appreciated. So it's up to me to sort of to feel more appreciated during the day by my kids. That's ultimately up to me. I don't normally feel unappreciated by my friends, generally I feel loved, accepted, and appreciated by my friends. Tonight, though, something was triggered. It's ok for me to feel sensitive, and it's certainly ok for me to not enjoy being a bunt of a joke. I don't have to like jokingly being called a pest or anything else. And really I don't think any harm was meant with the jokes, and I wasn't the only one being joked at or with or whatever. And I am glad that I try to shift out of joking too much at other's expense. And heck it's that belief right there that does me in. Joking at other's expense. If I could shift that thought a bit, the joking might not seem to bother me so much. However, I am going to allow others to do what they enjoy, and find ways to feel better in the moments that I am not. I realize, tonight, when something was said that I didn't appreciate, I didn't even try to make myself feel better, or change my perspective, although, i am glad that I sort of spoke up a bit, when some joke was said that didn't feel good to me. And it will take practice to shift and soothe myself, but everyday I am growing and shifting so it's fine. And the more I feel appreciated by my children, and the more that I appreciate and i am kind to myself, the less of those jokes I will attract. Also, softening my perception of the jokes will also help to attract less of them. Let's focus on the fun parts and get out of this place. I was laughing a lot. I was enjoying many of the conversations. I was feeling close to my friends, I was eating lots of yummy snacks, we were having fun with all the different types of cards, I was beading and working on the mother's day gifts that I have been wanting to finish, I was learning more about my friends and growing closer and playing games, and I wasn't focused on my health or the bug I have been sort of fighting off. And really tonight was fun. I can always grow a thicker skin too. That's all for now, maybe tomorrow, I will have a fresh new perspective on things and new insights. In Appreciation, D~

lots of stuff...things are a bit chaotic in my head..

2006-05-08T23:21:00.000-04:00

Lots of stuff going on in my head. Umm, I don't know how all of this will sound when it's out but I need to process though. It's like a rainstorm of worrisome thoughts, and even some unworthy ones. It's strange and at the same time, they are not bringing me down the way they normally wood. Big shifts must be occuring for this on-slaught of worried thoughts. It started today with the guilt feelings of leaving Keegan and Hayden behind. We did have a very relaxed and fun time at my friend's house. We swam and talked and I beaded a bit. That's when my voices started, the you should voices. You should be enjoying the swimming and be more focused on enjoying the water. You should be talking less, etc. It was strange, I realize that those voices-thoughts might sound better, I am not really hearing voices-see there, even as I am blogging, the voice/thoughts say, you should clarify so that your friends who read this blog don't think you are crazy. Anyway to finish my thought, the thought/voices have decreased so much that feeling this on-slaught feels abnormal-not bad, but not what I am used to. This is great because there was a time, when these were my thoughts constantly. Then we got home and well another friend stopped over and Gavin melted down badly and well there went the worrisome thoughts again. That my friend might think this or that blah blah blah, I don't even feel like writing it all down. I had theater tonight, and even with these worrisome thoughts, I felt at ease and confident on stage. That's why this is so strange for me. Usually this is going on and I am in a terrible place, but really I don't feel terrible. I don't like these voices, but I am not feeling bad. Strange? Yes, but good. I want to feel good, and I want to feel at peace and I want to soothe these worried thoughts, I want to feel well and i want to feel good about myself, and I want to feel empowered and worthy. Yes worthy, ok so here's another thing coming up. Lately, I keep getting gifts. i know terrible isn't it? No really I am focusing on abundance and then it comes and I feel, um like why do I keep getting stuff. Yes, crazy I know! It started the other day when my friend brought me tulips. I was sort of taken back and wondering why she got them for me. I know, why shouldn't a friend get me flowers, I have been known to get my friends and family flowers. Then Sean brought me all the beading stuff and again, it felt great, but there was this little nagging feeling like why did he get that for me. Then a friend stops by with this really cool book for me, and as touched as I was, I still had this nagging little feeling that began getting louder, like you shouldn't get this. Well hello, I want to manifest abundance and then it comes my way and I feel unworthy. I want to accept gifts enthusiastically and appreciatively, feeling good that I attracted them, appreciate my friend's generousity and feel worthy of it all. The last gift I got today, was from my SIL, she got me a gift certificate to see a psychic who worked with John Edward. It's awesome, it's so my thing and yet I was feeling bad she got it for me instead of herself. WHAT?? Hello, i want abundance, so I will focus on feeling good about all the wonderful gifts coming my way. I can feel good, it feels good when I give gifts, and it does usually feel wonderful to receive gifts. Interesting stuff going on in my head, and I really like that even though my thoughts are a bit chaotic, I am feeling ok throughout it all..good for me! You know what, I am going to eat my ice cream, enjoy a show and go to bed, and wouldn't it be nice to hear my dad's voice again? Isn't it nice that I am surrounded by so many loving, supportive, fun, creative and open friends. I love you guys so much. In Love, Light and Appreciation, D~

My dad

2006-05-08T10:35:00.000-04:00

Last night, I had a dream that I was sitting on the couch and all of a sudden, my dad started to talk to me. I heard his voice, I did not see him. It was so loud and clear, that I looked everywhere for him and expected to see him. He said,"Hi Davina." and I said, "Dad is that you?" And he said, "yes sweetie." And I felt such comfort, it was his voice so loud and clear and I had missed hearing his voice so much. I can't remember what else he said, but he talked and I was listening very intently, and then I started to hear other voices, and I was trying to just hear my dad, and then my dad's voice stopped and only the other voices were going. I began to cry, well SOB, I was just cried and cried, I felt so disappointed that his voice was gone and then I couldn't remember what I had heard from him. I woke up with the tears and I was so surprised it was a dream, it felt so real. I felt a bit depressed this morning. And really confused. I called my SIL to process stuff through with because I was a bit lost and wanting guidance. She's a very good person to talk stuff over with, especially the stuff about my dad, she was there for me when my dad passed, and I got much comfort from her during the really tough days. So I called her and right away she asked what was wrong, because I was close to tears. So I told her about the dream and she said she was just thinking strongly about him yesterday. She validated for me that she believes it was my dad, she also felt that I got what I needed, even though I can't remember what else he said, and that I will remember what I need to in time. As I was speaking to her, I remembered how I have been wanting to hear his voice, I have really been saying out loud to my dad, I want to hear you. And in the dream, I just remembered that I called out to my dad and he answered. It felt good to realize that I have been asking him for something and he gave it to me. I am trying to figure out the other voices, I had two things come to me, one is that they were other spirits that I could just hear talking because I was open, or they are the voices in my head that sabbotage me either through fear or doubt. Maybe it's both. My SIL felt I was over thinking it, and I think she's right, I just want to know right now. The other thing she felt was that my dad was coming through to help me heal, because of my reaction, I obviously have some more deep feelings. It's interesting I drew a card today from my wisdom cards, and I drew the same one as yesterday, Choose to heal: This is a day to reflect on troubling emotions. (my dad's passing) and transform them in a positive way. (focus on the ways he is still here) Identify one unresolved area of anger or hurt and ask yourself why you're still at peace (I miss his physical presence) Focus on how much power you lose to negative feelings. Your goal: to realize you choose to stay angry when you can heal. Yesterday this didn't really resonate for me, but today, wow it fits. Especially since I am walking away close to tears today. Talking with my SIL really helped. I was telling her the different things I have been doing, and she said something to the effect that I make her want to be a better person, and I at first didn't want to take the compliment. However it helped me open my eyes to how much more I am connected to my higher self/Inner Being. For a long time, I have been trying to manifest guidance from my Inner Being and here it is manifesting before my eyes and I wasn't even realizing it. All of the things I am doing from going to the fire station with food, to spending time at the ocean, and all the time I am spending doing creative things, is guidance from my Inner Being. It felt so good to realize it's happening, I am getting what I have wanted for so long. Last night, I was about to watch my normal shows, but felt like I wanted to do something different. So I kept the tv on, and henna'd my feet. I love how it came out. Then, I worked on jewelry that I make for mother's day gifts. I also, put on a movie I received from the spiritual cinema, called delivering Milo. It felt great to do all of that, and to be feel that all of the creativity is coming easier and easier. Then I put on my meditation cd, and tried to meditate. I couldn't quiet my mind very easily, so I focused on thinking about the wonderful weekend I had, had. Then I fell asleep. I was supposed to go to my friend's this morning, but felt indecisive. The twins have been staying up late, and I was worried about them skipping their nap, being tired and then staying up late again tonight. My friend helped me decide to wait and come around 1pm, and lay the twins down and if they don't sleep, to just bring them. Seems like a plan. A part of me keeps feeling guilty for not bringing them, cause Keegan keeps asking to go swimming. The guilt needs to be released. My tarot cards are interesting. Ace of wand: on powerful wand of light, it's strong, stable, connected, balanced Daughter of stones, she's standing in a yin/yang, it looks like she's manifesting, andall of these eggs in the water, coming toward her, it's like everything I want coming, and I am strong, centered, balanced, powerful.. Ace of swords: this has a crown over the sword, purple and blue, the chakras lined up, and a bird flying, this seems liked increased awareness, the crown chakra opening up.. Funny enough, my abe card was I make many decisions and I make them right. especially since I felt troubled this morning trying to make decisions. It was a nice reminder. Physical well being is only one good thought away. Nice since I woke up feeling under the weather. And the same one I get all the time, It is not my work to control others. Goddesses: Coventina:Purification: Time for a cleansing. Yes another ocean card. Yemanya:Golden opportunity-yep more ocean..more doors opening. Diana:focused intention: another one that resonates for me..focus focus. ok, I need to focus on getting ready for a wonderful, feeling better time in the pool with my friends and my children. In Appreciation, D~

More fun at the beach

2006-05-07T18:48:00.000-04:00

Today was another wonderful day. I am so excited, I was able to handle the twins at the ocean today, even after my friend had left. Keegan loved splashing in the ocean, wow what a joy it was to watch him! He laughed, squealed and jumped in delight whenever a wave came ashore. Hayden enjoyed the ocean also, he did not like the waves almost knocking him down. So he played in the sand. It was so adorable they had a little game going together. Hayden would hand Keegan the watering can, and Keegan would fill it up for him and then bring it back to Hayden and then Hayden would pour it into the sand. Ahhh the simple pleasures :) Brianna, Gavin, and L. played in the water again. Brianna was much more brave and went further out. She got knocked a few times and has many "wave battle scars" to show. My friend, N, came with L, and it was nice to be at the ocean, enjoying our kids' fun. I didn't wear a bathing suit, but will next time. I actually wanted to go in and ride the waves too. Gavin and L, left after two hours and Brianna, Hayden, Keegan and I stayed for another 45 minutes. Brianna got knocked by a wave and went under, and that was the only time I felt scared. She was ok, just shook up. Once we got home, we all showered, we were covered in sand. Then we all had chinese food together. It was a very nice day. Now all the kids are in bed and I am wanting to journal, henna, and bead, so hopefully I will get to do all that I want. I even want to color one of my new mandala's. i loved my cards, and feel like sharing them so here they are: Abe: The harder I push against it, the more I attract it's essence. -I found myself today asking myself this question, am I pushing against it? It really helped. I choose my unique path to joy-right now this includes spending days outside at the ocean with my children and friends. Nothing is more important than that I feel good. Goddess cards: Sedna:infinite supply:"you are supplied for today and all of your tomorrows." I loved the picture, the ocean and whales.. Oonagh:Easy does it: "there is no need to hurry or force things to happen. Everything is happening in perfect timing." Eireen:Peace:There is no need to worry, as everything is working out beautifully." Another card with ocean in the background. My wisdom cards: Choose to heal: Today's lesson: This is a day to reflect on troubling emotions and transform them in a positive way. Identify one unresolved area of anger or hurt and ask yourself why you're still not at peace. Focus on how much power you lose to negative feelings. Your goal: to realize you choose to stay angry when you can choose to heal. This card pictures waves hitting rocks..love all these water cards. Two fell out, so here's the second one. See the synchronicity:Today's lesson: Take note of all the synchronistic happenings and coincidences that occur on this day and know that nothing happens by accident. your goal: to appreciate the Divine details that are woven into every moment of your life. My tarot cards: Four of stones-drawing power from the earth, I think I have been using the ocean to recharge. I have been very drawn to it this weekend and haven't felt so strongly the need to go, it has also brought back joyful memories from my childhood, and I get to relive it as I watch my children enjoy it. seven of cups: a hand reaching out from purple water, some cups close by, others far out of reach and some are upside down. I feel like I am wanting some things that are in the near future and some are further away, the upside down cup represents me not be real clear about a something I want. father of stones: A figure walking through a stream, beautiful setting sun in a pink sky, animals surrounding him. This is me on my path, feeling surrounded by beauty and anticipating the future. This card says I am on the right path and I am ready for it. Tomorrow, we'll be going to my friend's house and we will be swimming. It will be the first time since last summer that I take the kids' swimming. I can't wait to see how much easier it will be. I can't wait to just be in the water and have fun with the kids and my friend. It's nice to have so many nice things to look forward to. In Love, Light and Appreciation, D~

Change of plans

2006-05-07T12:06:00.000-04:00

So no west palm beach today. Sean woke up with a sore throat and doesn't want to get his grandma sick. I offered to bring some of the kids and go to see her, but she didn't want me driving all that way. So we plan to go sometime in June. I was a bit disappointed at first because I felt I had gotten guidance to go, and then the way it all worked out with his aunt and uncle being there-it was perfect. Oh well. Instead we'll be going to the beach today again. The twins are taking a nap, and I will bring Brianna and Gavin. Sean will stay and rest. This morning Brianna, Hayden and Keegan and I, went shopping for the west melbourne fire department. We bought them cold cuts, hoagies, chips, water, soda and cookies. Publix even donated two cases of water. Brianna was curious as to why we were doing this, and it was great to be able to share with her how hard the fire fighters are working. And one act of kindness can go a long way. It could help the men and women feel supported, feel appreciated or just help them not have to worry about food. The fire fighters were appreciative and let the kids sit in the trucks and gave them fire fighter hats. I hope that they feel appreciated. This morning I decided that I would see these fires as a clearing out of the old and bringing in the new. The earth knows what it needs, and fire can be very cleansing. All is well and the rain will be coming soon. Now I am off to enjoy the day at the ocean again...Lucky me! In Appreciation, D~

A day at the ocean

2006-05-06T21:12:00.000-04:00

Wow, feels like I a while since my last entry. I had a great day today. It was beautiful. I woke up feeling energetic and determined to be outside. i picked my cards this morning, and got Sulis: Body of water, mother earth, and Conventina:Purification. I felt strongly that I should be outside today, specifically by the ocean or beach. Sean was bringing Bri to a piano recital this morning and I was going to bring the boys to the ocean. Then Sean talked me out of it. Instead I brought them to the park and Gavin's friend came along. I did some henna and played with the boys. Met a nice couple with three boys they nicknamed them "bubba". Just like I call my boys "bubba." Hayden sat on the man's lap the whole time. The man was nice enough to oblige him. Then I decided I'd bring the older kids to the beach while the twins napped. We invited along Gavin's friend. It was so nice to be at the ocean. I watched the kids play in the waves the way I used to and it felt good to them enjoying the ocean so much. They made up their own games and ran around the whole time. I collected shells and made an ohm and a spiral pattern in the sand. As a teenager, I'd go to the beach and just tan, and look at all of the skinnier, tanner, prettier girls, rather than just enjoy the sound of the ocean, the feel of the sand. I don't know how my appreciation diminished as I got older. Today, I found myself appreciating all of that, that I forgot. On the way to the ocean, I realized how I have always lived near the ocean, even in NY as a child, most of my memories were at the Long Island Sound or the Ocean. And then Sean and I pick up and move thousand miles away, and we still live near the ocean. I felt such gratitude in that moment. And it was then I decided to spend more time at the ocean. Even on a date night before a movie, Sean and I could bring take out to the ocean, or after dinner we could walk on the beach. One of these weekend mornings, I am going to get the family up to see the sunrise at the ocean. It must be beautiful. After we got home, we got the kids showered and fed, Sean put them to bed, and I took the twins for a walk around the block-without a stroller. They had a great time walking. Keegan was doing great, he was listening and holding my hand when i asked him to. When I asked him to slow down or wait he listened. I was so impressed. Hayden listened here or there. It's nice being able to do more and more with the kids. Tomorrow, we are driving to west palm to see Sean's grandmother, Uncle and Aunt. I was ordering flowers for mother's day for the grandma's and it just came to me that we should drive to see Sean's grandma, so I called her and it worked out perfectly because his Aunt and Uncle will be up from Miami, so we'll get to see them all at one shot. I am not going to post all of my cards today, just don't feel the need to. I am so happy about today, and next weekend for mother's day, i want us to all go to the ocean early in the morning as a family. We did that last year and it was great-a lot of work but fun. I think it will be easier with the twins. It was definetly easier with Brianna and Gavin. In Appreciation, D~

Cards for Friday May 5th

2006-05-05T08:50:00.000-04:00

I didn't get to write yeseterday, and I wasn't in the place to write. Last night, I got to see my friend, A, who I hadn't seen in a couple of weeks, since our kids had been sick. It was nice to reconnect. Afterward, my friend N, came over and kept me company, as I organized my beads and crystals. Then we went to Barnes and browsed the books. It was nice. It was 11pm when we got home, so I went right to bed. I put on my meditation cd and fell asleep. We are going grocery shopping this morning, and then bringing a taco dip to Sean's work for Cinco De Mayo. We'll hang out up there for a while and then drive Bri to piano lessons. Tonight, we don't have any plans. Maybe I will start to work on mother's day necklaces. Cards for today: tarot: daughter of cups the sun daughter of wands I don't get a real hit on them, but the cards feel like my connection and happiness is reignited. If I get anymore, I will write later. I have a new set of cards, called wisdom for healing I picked one. "Choose to empower yourself." Today's lesson:"this is a day to practice the power of choice. Choose the quality of mood you want-that is, whether you'll adopt a positive or negative attitude-the choice is up to you! Your goal: to realize that you do have the ability to enhance your life each day!" Very fitting card for this week. Pick my mood.. Goddess Cards: Sige:Quiet time:"Take some time alone to rest, meditate, and contemplate." Sulis:Bodies of water:"Spend time near water, such as a lake, river, or the ocean to recharge your batteries." If I could make it to the beach this weekend, I would be in heaven!! Abundantia:Prosperity:"The universe is pouring its abundance out to you. Be open to receiving." Abe: My happiness is my greatest gift to others. To allow well-being I must be in joy. The harder I push against it, the more I attract its essence. i feel I push against the kids, mainly Gavin, when there is a behavior I don't want to see. I had a dream last night. I can't remember the specifics. But I do remember the feeling and the important part of the dream. I felt unworthy because of my weight. I believe the most important part of a dream is the feeling in the dream. I believe that the feelings coming up in the dream, give us insight to how we really feel about ourselves, or something we are not aware of. I am surprised the emotion is so strong, about the unworthy-ness. It lets me know, that I could feel a bit better about myself and my weight. In Appreciation, D~

today was a better feeling day

2006-05-03T23:41:00.000-04:00

This won't be long, because I woullike to make it to bed before midnight. For let me say, I found relief and had an easier time today. I smiled more, I appreciated more and it felt better. We relaxed and henna'd and home schooled, and it was nice. Brianna asked me to henna her and she insisted I use my imagination and not a book. I am comfortable looking at pictures to gather inspiration, while I henna. And I told her that I was waiting to get really good at henna before I tried to do some without a book or picture. You know what she said? Mom, you have a great imagination, and I know you can do it, so put the book away. So I did as told and really enjoyed myself and felt proud of myself for using my own imagination. And I was grateful for her wisdom-who's the teacher here? I actually really enjoyed what i did, and she loved it so much she took a picture of it. I thanked her for the encouragment. What a sweetie. This evening I met with a dear friend, I haven't seen in well over a year. He was a spiritual teacher of sorts and an angel during some trying times. He encouraged me on my path and helped me heal myself. He's a hypnotherapist, I went to him to help me release patterns I didn't want. He turned into a friend. We sat there and talked for hours. I was really enjoying myself, and it was so great to share all the wonderful things going on in my life with him and here all the wonderful things going on with him. I even brought my cards along and he picked some and really enjoyed their messages. It was really nice to reconnect with a kindred spirit, who helped me see the light in myself, when all I saw was darkness. Tomorrow, I intend to feel even better and to enjoy my day the best I can. Here are my cards for tomorrow: Goddess: Sekhmet:Be strong:"you are stronger than you think you are, and your strength assures a happy outcome." Cordelia:Go outside:"Go outside and get fresh air. " I was thinking today, I didn't get to do anything outside, I got burned badly on monday, and I have been trying to avoid the sun while it heals. Kuan yin:compassion:"release judgements about yourself and others and focus on the love light and light that is within everyone." I am strong enough to focus on the positives of others and myself. Abe: Whatever I give attention to-wanted or unwanted-I am creating." "to allow well-being, I must be in joy" I am not here to fix anything; I 'm here for the fun." Yes I will keep that message in the front of my thoughts tomorrow, as I enjoy my day. My inner wisdom affirmation: I create wonderful new beliefs for myself. These are some of the beliefs I have created for myself: I am always safe. Everything I need to know is revealed to me. Everything I need comes to me in the perfect time space sequence. Life is a joy and is filled with love. I am always healthy and whole. I prosper wherever I turn. I am willing to shif my perceptions and grow. All is well in my world. Nice! My tarot: I will do them tomorrow, I am tired and it's 5 to 12am and I want to get to bed! One last thing, For the past hour, I keep hearing this soothing, angelic sounding music. I think it's in my head, because I can't find the source of it. It's very nice and peaceful though. In Appreciation, D~

Inner wisdom from Louise Hays and other affirmations to help get the day going...

2006-05-03T08:35:00.000-04:00

in the positive direction.. Just opened to a random page in Inner Wisdom to see what my message for the day would be. I love and accept myself exactly as I am. I support myself and trust myself wherever I am. I place my hand over my heart and feel the love that is there. I know that there is plenty of room for me to accept myself right here and right now. I accept my body, weight, height, my appearance, my sexuality, and my experiences. I accept all that I have created for myself-my past and present. I am willing to allow my future to happen. I am a divine, magnificent expression of life, and I deserve the very best. I accept this for myself now. I accept miracles. I accept healing. I accept wholeness. And most of all I accept myself. I am precious and I will cherish who I am. wow, that was good for me to write out and hear. Here's a few more quotes: 99% of all creation is complete before you see any physical evidence of it" Abraham-Daily Planning Calendar Abe: OHHHH THE POWER OF YOUR NOW!Your power of living in the NOW.... ALL of your power to lock on isin your moment of NOW. Summoning can be in the past, present orfuture but the allowing is always in the NOW. The summoning hasalready been in place but the allowing is always NOW. You can't everbe other than in the NOW moment. And you only have 2 choices... youcan feel good, or not...You can be Locked On or you can be Locked Offright NOW. That's all there is---Choosing a feeling right NOW. TheMOST allowing of you is only letting a fraction of it in. And what wewant so much is for you to get a whiff of letting it in before youcroak. To realize that... it's only your attitude, your opinion ormood that will pinch off the Well-Being. It's not about deservabilityor earnablity. You are SUPPOSED to be well.... You are SUPPOSED to beprosperous... You are SUPPOSED to thrive.... You already DESERVE itand its already coming to you---- but you are not yet letting it in.Anyone who focuses upon what he wants... will get exactly what hewants.It is the perfect way to expand the Creative Life Force and if anyonecould imagine anything better than that, then we would all be livingthat. Understand that the greater variety produces greater desire.Earth is the strongest contrast in all the Universe. That's why youchose to be here. The greater the contrast --the stronger the desireand the greater the motion forward. We are thought. We are not anything at all without thought.But source energy NEVER reaches beyond its ability to believe! "Love youself. Be easier .Allow the negative emotion and flow." -Abe workshop THINGS ALWAYS WORK OUT FOR ME---- If I will allow it. "I wish you could see yourself how others see you. How I see you, in particular. You are an amazing, vibrant, caring, compassionate, spiritual, generous soul who has a beautiful family and many friends who love her. I know that it does not always feel that way to you, but to the outside world - you are a gift from god." close friend "I love sharing time like that together, it fills my heart with such joy, happiness, and friendship. I love your company so dearly. I can't quite put into words how much I enjoy your heart, soul, mind, and most of all just the essence of you. I'm so grateful for our friendship."close friend "Although peace and happiness do not exist as an actual thing or place, it is always available and accompanies you every instant."uknknown "Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go."Uknown "Every day in every way I get getter and better."book author Today I intend to attract better feeling thoughts and a better feeling day. In Love, D~

Finally, my Beltane meditation post, my cards for today and for tomorrow

2006-05-02T23:44:00.000-04:00

I am still feeling, I don't know...shaky..how's that? It seems sort of easy for me to think of a touchy subject-from today and think negative thoughts. Ok, I am having trouble putting it into words, I am just finding myself thinking of something from today and feeling the bad feeling then having to sort of remind myself of the positives of it. Sort of like thinking about today, and realizing I have a pit in my stomach, and then start to think of the things that make me feel worse and then, I catch myself, and begin to focus on the better parts. Even the state of my house right now, had me tearing up, with some clutter, and I haven't been keeping up on the cleanliness of my house lately, and boom I began feeling seriously overwhelmed. I then had to sort of soothe myself like I would a child, there's plenty of time to clean, maybe you can focus on what area tomorrow, like the bathroom and all will get done. Ok, I am just rambling now. I am going to pick cards for tomorrow, because I want to go to bed with the messages in my head. I just want to feel better. I almost went to bed without posting because I am just tired and down and didn't want to put the effort in to go over all of this. Yay for me for taking care of me, even when old patterns arise-such as just wanting to bury my head in the sand. What I realized before is that (according to my beliefs based on Abe) when you send out powerful desires to the Universe and you are not lined up it can feel pretty bad. They say of course not to let that get you down, but to realize you are sending out what you want manifested, you just aren't quite lined up with it. And when you are feeling really bad, it means you are sending out really powerful desires. It's interesting that today I am feeling so bad, because of my meditation last night, which I will finally post about. I felt edgy and less relaxed. We had been discussing experiences with spirits and that just got me feeling nervous. So anyhow, in my meditation, the three of us walked on water toward this beautiful light and there were many spirit beings there. The fire was purple and white and red and blue, it was beautiful, I decided to jump in it, because I felt like it would infuse me with all of my favorite things about myself. Then a large light above opened up, my dad was with me and we went up. I was in some sort of room with a whole bunch of me, from every age, from birth to the present and a great light came down to heal all of ours/my past /present pains. Then I was back by the fire and I had all of these crystals and my dad said to throw one in and ask for something that I desired. I did that for quite a while, I asked for expansion of self love, fun, joy, happiness, wonderful relationships, guidance, connection, slenderness, well being, healthy strong body, self adoration, feeling my dad's presence, enough time for all that I want to do, creativity, to henna without books, increased intuition, pool, cruises, travel, endless bank account and then I even through in stones for anything that might bring me joy into my life that I coudn't think of. So it's funny that I cast all those desires into the fire and today I am not feeling so well? Hmmm could it be I am not lined up with a few ;0 The other awesome thing that just came to me, well came to me before but I fully realized as I typed this. I asked for my dad to come through. Well today Sean came home with Skittles for me. Once in a while he might bring me home chocolate because he knows how much I love it, but never non-chocolate candy. My dad used to always bring me and my brother home skittles. It was his trade mark. If he went anywhere, he picked us up not just any candy, but skittles. He knew I loved them so much as a kid. It was basically he walked in the house from work or the store and had a bag of skittles. When Sean said that he came home with skittles, I was like, huh, that's weird, and sort of made a face like skittles. Then a second later, I was like my dad did that all the time and I realize on my hard day he made sure I had skittles. I am so crying right now, because it feels nice to think that he found a way to give me some comfort on a day that I felt so disconnected. Talk about feeling supported! Last night W got a message from my dad that he was near me and said "chin up, Angel" he also said I should look behind the stereo which I haven't done. I will take a peak before bed to see if there's something there. During the meditation, there were many noises going on in W's house, and it was very distracting and even while I was mediating a face would pop up into my vision, and well it was hard to relax. W brought up that on Beltane some believe the veil between physical and non physical are thin, and then she asked me if I asked what their message was. She felt like some non-physical probably wanted to share something with me. i was like, oh, duh, next time I will ask, instead of trying to push them out of my meditation. W. said she kept seeing a girl next to me. Anyhow, it was an interesting night. Afterward, we drank tea, did some henna and chatted. The moon looked awesome last night, it had this rainbow halo around it, that I don't know if it were really there or just where I was at. My cards for today: Abe It is my dominant intent to look for what I want to see. It is not my responsibility to convince anyone of anything. my purpose in life is joy I kept my Goddess cards Diana, Eireen and Oonaugh from yesterday because I liked them so much. My Tarot cards: five of cups-running on empty the fool, uncertainty wheel of fortune-quick shift, maybe that will be for tomorrow. My cards for tomorrow: The vibrations of my Being influence the Universe. Everything vibrates and is communicating, reacting, responding, and intergrating with other vibrating things. Once you begin to offer your vibrations on purpose-now you are in absolute control of your experience. Tomorrow, I will keep in mind that I am nonphysical energy in a physical body and that I am constantly shifting and I intend to pick my thoughts purposefully. There is an abundance of everything. (Shortage is only perception.) So abundance of good thoughts, good feelings, fun, joy, well being, money, love, self love friends, family..ok I'll take it.. It is not my work to control others. When will I get this, I mean really get it?? I intend to stay so focused on myself tomorrow, that I don't even have time to "control" anyone else. Goddess card: Nemetona: Sacred space-not surprised, I am feeling like I need to do something creative and spiritual. Tomorrow night maybe after my tea with A. Oonagh:easy does it- or could it be a reminder to be easy on myself and others? And to not sweat the off days? Bast:independence-right away i felt that this is a reminder that I can uplift myself, that I can help myself feel better. Tarot: high priestess eight of swords-this suits today perfectly. I felt blocked, I felt bad, cut off. six of cups:I know the caption says happiness, so I'll take it. Actually I might try to read the cards, tomorrow, right now I am not getting and strong intuitive hits for the priestess or the six of cups, unless it's just saying today I was blocking those wonderful desires that I want to manifest that are so close to coming. I will look at them again tomorrow and see what I get. I wanted to thank a couple of my friends who read my posts and reached out to me, to try and help me into a feeling better place. It was so nice to read that others have faith in me to feel better, sometimes it's hard to remember that when I feel bad. I truly appreciated the loving messages. They were so positive and loving and supportive. I just saw them a little while ago, and since it is now 12:25, I won't email them back tonight. I just wanted them to know (you know who you are) that the words of support and encouragement were uplifting to me and appreciated, and well treasured. Thank you. In Love, and Appreciation, D~

Back again..

2006-05-02T18:34:00.000-04:00

I am feeling drained now..geez, I guess i expel alot of energy being angry and sad. I sort of just feel like shutting down and not thinking about "things" at all. I am tired of thinking about it and trying to feel better. I am where I am and that's that. Maybe if I just focus on doing some things I want to do now that the kids are in bed, I will begin to feel better. Sean is picking up take out, always nice when the day has been hard, and I have shows taped I can watch. And maybe a little later I will sort my beads. Now that I feel this tired, I don't much want to do that, but maybe I will get the urge to later. I was reading over my post from before and, I am tempted to delete it because, I was a mess and I don't want anyone reading it. It's fun for me to share my highs with others, but it's super hard to share the lows. Not to mention I don't want any of my friends to feel badly that they psychically didn't know I was low, that's just un realistic, and I knew it when I posted it, but I needed to get all of my feelings out. I realize that I don't also always open up to others when I am feeling bad, I don't seek out their upliftment. I just stew in my own pity party. Funny enough, about 45 minutes or so after I posted, a close friend called to check on me-she knew I was leading life today & not exactly into it. I didn't get her call because it was time for me to read to the kids. However, I sort of felt like, oh I wanted a friend's help bad enough and I didn't even call and boom it happened. That's always nice. Geez i was going to post about my meditation, but sean just came home with our food. Ok I will be back yet again, ;0 D~

feeling frustrated, feeling overwhelmed, feeling bad

2006-05-02T15:46:00.000-04:00

I don't know what happen but before I knew it, I was feeling really bad. First off, I was leading Life class again and I think I signed up for something out of feeling obligated, not really wanting to do it. I enjoy finding crafts and activities for the kids, it's the part of where I am "teaching". Anyhow, this time I don't feel I stressed out about it. J picked up books at the library and I came up with all the craft stuff. I took a quick shower, and while I was in the shower, Hayden and keegan got a hold of a blue marker and colored all over the walls, the sliders, the couch, the kitchen table, the tv the rug, the floor, the doors and their faces. I was so pissed. I mean, I should be able to take a shower without walking out and finding them doing that. Brianna and Gavin didn't do crap like that when they were 3! Then I get to life class, and am trying to organize and set up and just can't cause again, Hayden and keegan are being difficult. I don't understand why they can't just play easily at Life class. Instead, I have to worry about them getting into all kinds of trouble. Then someone offers to keep an eye on them and I am able to get ready for class. The cookie part went ok, then I had to read in front of the class, and I felt completely unprepared because I wasn't even familar with the freakin books. I just felt clueless. I realize now, it probably would have been better for J to read because she had a chance to look them over. Then we did the cornstarch part and the kids liked that. After that, Hayden and keegan became increasingly difficult and trying to clean and organize while they were running around getting into stuff. I just found myself low on patience and really annoyed that they were causing me so much trouble. On top of that Brianna was a bit sad and it really triggered my own issues watching her deal with hers. Isn't that fun? She was really wanting to spend time/play with someone who just didn't want much to do with her and she was having a time of it. I found myself feeling bad for her, instead of thinking of positive things and then on the way home, she was telling me how sad she was and how she didn't understand why so and so wouldn't be with her. I wasn't even in a place where I felt I had good answers for her. I was feeling drained, angry and upset. I don't like the feeling of not being supported, whether it's by my kids, or friends, but I just hate feeling alone in things and that's how I felt today. Doesn't mean I was actually alone, just felt in over my head and not as, I don't know, supported. I just want support, I just want someone to make me feel better especially on days when I am feeling low. I know I am able to uplift people and help them work through things and I want that too, and I do have that, but sometimes I want it without asking for it. It's like I want people to be psychic and know I am feeling bad and uplift me. Asking a bit much huh? Really, I know when it comes down to it, I need to uplift myself, I need to process through my feelings. Ultimately I need to help myself feel better. Really I am just venting here. So today was an off day, and I was feeling alone and angry. I am only feeling that way because I wasn't paying attention to how I was feeling and things quickly spiraled down hill. I am only feeling alone because I am not thinking nice things about myself. I am thinking about how hard things are etc..So what today was tough on me, today I didn't feel as good as I wanted. It's only a day, it can all shift with me thinking thoughts to feel better. I can do that. So, I just felt overwhelmed, hey it can be overwhelming keeping track of two active, over tired three year olds, trying to lead a class and organize kids, while watching your daughter feeling sad. I still managed and I did have some help. And this was a very important lesson for me to only sign up for things that I REALLY want to do. The kids enjoyed much of the activities we had for them. Brianna and all of my kids will have times when they feel rejected or alone, and they will come out of it ok. She has many friends that enjoy her, and like to be with her, and she will attract more of them into her experience. She will attract people into her experience that play with her nicely. She's strong and beautiful and wonderful to be with and she'll be surrounded by those who appreciate her. It's funny she just confessed to me that she has a crush on someone and she was talking to me how she wants to play with him and tries to but he only wants to play with boys. She wants to tell him how she wants to tell him how she feels but she's afraid he'll laugh and she'll be so embaressed. I was impressed with her braveness when I was her age, I remember having a crush and not wanting the boy to know. Here she is sort of wanting him to know. It was an interesting talk, I just can't believe we were having it. She's sitting here so bright eyed and just telling me about her special feelings. AAAHHH I can't believe we're already talking about this stuff. I explained to her special feelings can change and to focus on all the good friends she has already and nicely they treat her. And I told her what a wonderful caring and giving person she was and that sometimes people won't always be able to be or do what we want them to and that we have to find a way to feel better regardless of them. So all of this really got some good conversations going. This is her life and some of it will have it's bumps and letting all of her issues trigger mine, can be quite messy. I have got to appreciate her path that she's in the process of. Hayden and Keegan: yep I am definetly still needing to feel better about that. They cause a lot of trouble and keep me running like a lunatic at times and right now, as I type this crying and cranky. I feel like I can't get a minutes peace with them. However, they too are having off day and didn't get a nap and they just want to be free to explore and create. To them coloring stuff is fun, normally they are fairly easy and they have been getting so much easier going out places. Today was just a day and tomorrow will be a fresh new day. Because they didn't take a nap, they'll go to bed early and I will have some time to continue feeling better, and I can organize all of my lovely beads/crystals in the new bins that Sean got me. Ok so I am feeling better. I know I can still feel even better and I will keep paying attention to my thoughts. However Keegan is crying hysterically and it's getting harder to gather my thoughts. I will write yet again, because I want to post about my meditation and journal a bit more to see if I can get myself feeling even better. In Appreciation, D~

My intentions for today through quotes

2006-05-02T09:14:00.000-04:00

This is what I intend for today: WHAT YOU ARE REALLY SEEKING IS HARMONY WITH YOUR SOURCE ENERGY! WHAT YOU ARE SEEKING IS CONNECTION WITH YOUR CORE! WHAT YOU ARE SEEKING IS FEELING OF RELIEF!WHAT YOU ARE SEEKING IS THAT FEELING OF SELF LOVE! WHAT YOU ARE SEEKING IS FROM YOUR IB (InnerBeing) - SEEKING THE EVER ETERNAL OFFERING THAT YOU ARE WHOLE, THAT YOU ARE GOOD, THAT YOU HAVE VALUE, AND THAT YOUR LIFE HAS REASON! Abraham I want to be the Nonphysical Eternal Being that I AM, HERE, in this physical body. Orlando, 10-28-05 I will post tonight about my meditation experience last night and my day today and my cards. In Appreciation, D~

Happy Beltane, what a spectacular day it's been!

2006-05-01T18:25:00.000-04:00

Today has been wonderful. Lazy, peaceful, creative. Notice how I use lazy. It actually wasn't lazy, I guess there's a part of me that feels lazy since all day long, I had nothing but fun. Hmmm, interesting. For home school we worked on origamis (Brianna's request), we colored a mandala together, we read some poems, she worked in this highlights mystery thing and read in Nanny McPhee. Gavin's friend L came over and they played. Then we all went outside while Hayden and Keegan napped, and we brought out Gavin's science kit. They made snow and put it in the freezer to see what would happen. Then we all colored a mandala together, which came out great. Then I got out my book "nuturing spirituality in children" and we did the lesson involving beading. I talked to them how the cord was God and the beads were people. I talked about how we are all connected by the same God. I let them pick out all of the beads they wanted and talked about how they were different shapes, sizes and color just like people. Then as they strung a bead on, I asked where the cord/God was going, and they said inside the bead, and Brianna of course caught on where I was going that God is in everyone. They made beautiful creations and Gavin gave his bracelet he made to me. Which was so sweet. They began to play ball. N came over and all did a May day pole together. It was her idea, and it was a lovely one. I had never done one before. My tree looks beautiful. Keegan loved it-sadly Hayden slept through it, but we let him do one when he woke up. Then we worked on manifestation cords. I used several ribbons and knotted them with special beads and wands, and as I knotted each one, I thought of something I wanted to attract into my experience. And after all that was done, I even had time to do henna on N's foot. I really like how it came out. It was just a beautiful day, the weather was perfect, the sun was shining, the kids were into all the creativity..I feel truly blessed to have had such a perfect day with my children , their friend and my friend. On top of that my husband came home with early mother's day presents. He got me this wonderful bag and nice containers for my beads (which I need so desperately) and a gift card. How sweet!! I can't wait to organize my beads tomorrow night. I will post tonight about my meditation at W tonight. I am off to drama. In Love and Appreciation, D~

weekend wrap up

2006-04-30T22:45:00.000-04:00

Wow feels like I haven't written in a while. Yesterday, after I enjoyed my quiet time, the twins woke up and Sean, Brianna and Gavin, came home, we all went on a bike ride. It was really nice. I forgot how much I enjoy bike riding. It's so much fun. It helps me remember what it's like to be a kid. Or how I felt as a child riding my bike. I would like to do it more often. When we got back, we relaxed and just hung out. Later on after the kids went to bed, we had friends over and played games. It was fun. I am noticing how much more relaxed I am while playing games. I am learning to play for the fun of it. It's becoming more enjoyable. At the same time I notice that Sean can be very analytical during a game sometimes. I don't even know if that's the right word, but it's the best one for now. I found myself feeling a bit irked every so often, and then I'd remind myself that I don't have to focus on it, and I certainly don't have to let it take away from my enjoyment. I know he also just wasn't feeling well last night. He wasn't quite in that carefree funny mood. I guess I can cut him a little slack ;) During the evening I asked him to pick some tarot cards, and he did but I couldn't read them. I don't think I will ask him to pick cards. I enjoy it so much, but I don't think it's quite where he's at. I am realizing with the tarot, that if I am reading someone, I sort of have to sit and wait patiently to get a hit. It's sort of like, boom, this thought enters my mind, and gets my attention and then the cards just come together. It's fun when it happens. It happened last night with N's cards. Some people are more open and willing to be read or something and it's just easy. Others, it's not easy at all, actually I don't get hits with some people and Sean is one of them. My grandmother too. Today I was in an angry place. Why? Not sure. I got up early with the kids, we did our thing, but I was just grumpy. After Sean woke up, I was feeling so grumpy, I decided to lay down. I figured even if I couldn't fall asleep, I could work on feeling better. I did end up falling asleep, but it was sort of anxious. Like, I kept waking up worried that I would sleep our family time away, or that I should be doing this or that. When I finally did get up, I got in the shower. I did feel somewhat better so that was a relief. We went to Barnes and Noble. We didn't put the twins in the stroller. Wow huh? They did great. They had gift certificates from their birthdays and then it was educators week 25% off. So Brianna picked out some books-She's really into chapter books, and wanted Nanny McPhee. I asked her to read 6 pages everday and she agreed. I also got her and Gavin Mandala books, some history story books etc. Keegan picked out a thomas train, it's a train that carries sharks. So now he keeps calling it his fish train. Hayden picked out this stuffed animal pig and calls it his piggy. Gavin used him birthday money to buy the spongebob movie. Since it was 25% off, I bought the nicely illustrated You can heal your life by Louise Hayes and her companion book oh, an her Inner wisdom mediations. i also bought myself a mediatative cd called awakened mind. I think I will try it before I go to bed. Oh and I bought myself some new goddess cards. My other ones were getting a bit bent, and scraped up. See, Brianna has been asking and asking for her own Goddess cards, so I decided, I would give her my presnet ones, and buy myself new ones. She was very happy and so am I. While we were at Barnes and Noble, Keegan and I were in the cd section. Well I turned for a monent and he took off. I went to look for him and couldn't find him. It was hard not to feel panicky as I looked for him. I went straight for the front door to be sure he didn't run out, taking deep breaths and a part of me wanting to scream KEEGAN. Then my cell phone rang and it was Sean, and I asked if Keegan was with him (Sean was in the kiddie area). And he said he was (deep breath of relief) and then was like how could you lose him type thing. It didn't feel very good, but what could I say really? I felt bad about it, but decided not to fall into an argument with Sean about it because then I'd feel worse. Sean was pretty pissed but didn't keep commenting on it. Heck it's not very often I lose my kids, I think I am pretty damned good at keeping track of them. I do the best I can and that's all I can do. I'll leave it at that, cause just writing about this lowers my vibration. Then we had the grandmas over, and my Nanny's sort of boyfriend Burt. It's funny to watch her flirt with him, I am seeing a whole other side to my Nanny. We had pizza and ice cream out on the porch, it was really a nice cool day. Then my Nanny and I went to see flight 93. That might not have been the best idea for me. I thought I could see the movie and feel alright, but it was just really really intense, brought back feelings of anger, and sadness. The movie itself was well done-it's just that I couldn't even tell myself this was a movie, it happened. I felt myself getting pissed at the president, actually more pissed at the president than the terrorists. i know weird, but true. So, yeah, I will choose my movies more carefully in the future. I have this side to me that likes to be scared, likes the rush of things and that side sometimes wins out with my choice of movies. During most of the movie, my heart was beating frantically and I thought oh geez, what have I done to myself? A couple brought a three year old into the movie and I was like judging them-and my Nanny was ranting about Bush and about the parents bringing the three year old to the movie, and Tom Cruise's "bastard child", she has this thing about child born out of wed lock. And I just realized I had my quota of my nanny and of the movie. It's all good now though. I feel better now that I am home. Btw, I really don't like the term bastard and it being used anywhere near child/baby etc, but my nanny just doesn't see anything wrong with using the term. I realize in a way, I might have just helped my nanny by bringing her to the movie tonight. She's been depressed and when she gets depressed she gets depressed. She doesn't get out of bed, or get dressed etc. So her going to see that movie and getting all angry again at bush and at the government and at Tom Cruise, well it moves her out of her depression. Now if she would move on out of the anger and right into joy, that would be great. All in time. I picked cards today, however I am not going to post them. GASP. I know the first time in weeks to not post my cards. I am going to pick some new cards for tomorrow and I will post them. Tomorrow night, is Beltane and it will be the last time I go to meditate with my friend. I am realizing that I want a weekly spiritual thing with a friend. Whether it's meditating, card reading, beading, just something to do with someone else. You know what else would be fun, to read a book with someone, aloud. Just a chapter or two of reading aloud to eachother, some spiritual book. But also incorporating the meditating. That I really enjoy doing that with others. This week, with Brianna and Gavin, I am going to steer clear of workbooks. We'll read the silly poem book that I got them today, we'll try to make up our own poem, we'll color mandalas together, I'll pick an exercise from nuturing spirituality in children to do with them, we'll play games, and just have a fun relaxed week together. Maybe we'll read nanny mcphee together, and I'll break out our experiment kits. I know Bri needs a break from workbooks, I have been working her hard with them, just trying to get them finished so we can start fresh this summer in a whole new direction. But she really doesn't have to finish them. The twins are doing much better, so maybe we can see some friends, I know they are missing their friends. My cards for tomorrow: Goddess-I just love them! Oonagh:Easy does it:"There is no need to hurry or force things to happen. Everything is occuring in perfect timing." Eireen:Peace:"There is no need to worry, as everything is working out beautifully Diana:Focused Intention:"Keep your unwavering thought, feelings, and actions focused on your target, and you will make your mark." Tomorrow, I will keep my thoughts focused on allowing things to happen in their own time and trusting that things will work out nicely. I will keep my thoughts focused on feelings of peace and allowing. Abe: Anything I can imagine being, doing or having-I can be,do or have. Yes, I will get to that fun place where I completely feel that phrase. "The measure of my success if my joy" "As I breathe deeply, I feel myself thrive." Tomorrow, I will focus on breathing and thriving, and I will really care about how I am feeling. I will share my tarot cards for today, because I got that hit. The chariot The Emperor Daughter of cups For this reading I felt that the chariot, and the emperor, hmm are similar. And today I felt in emperor mood with the kids. Bossing them around. I was in that "do it or else" mode. The chariot represents how i felt as kid with regards to my parents, that they had all the power, the emperor represents me falling into those habits where I get inflexible and just want it done my way while parenting- ahhh thank goodness for that lovely daughter of cups card. I felt like the dolphins were my kids, and I get right down to their level, it shows a more cooperative parenting style. I always have a choice, I can parent the way I was taught or parent the way I am guided to. I choose to parent the way I am guided to by my Inner Being. That feels much better and the daugther of cups, pictures that for me. Cool huh? Ok now my cards for tomorrow wow ok.. Seven of swords Death Nine of stones Seven of swords shows a headless figure with swords coming down around him, feeling trapped, powerless overwhelmed helpless, Then Death, which to me, signifies an end to those extreme feelings and whatever habits/patterns are associated and then Nine of stones, which shows gold orbs, balance nicely surrounded in white purple light, which is what I consider Source light, this signifies new thoughts, new more joyful feelings, gaining knowledge and joy. In Love, and Appreciation, D~

Quiet times

2006-04-29T14:50:00.000-04:00

Hayden and Keegan are napping. Sean took Brianna and Gavin on some errands. It has been quiet for the last 1 1/2. I spent time working out and showering. Now I am sitting down to bask in my quiet house. Hayden is doing much better. This morning I brought him to the doctors so that they could listen to his chest.. I had been feeling some anxiety about it and now both Sean and i can feel better, because everything sounded as it should sound. We are going on a bike ride when the twins wake up. It's such a beautiful day. Sometimes I catch myself feeling guilty for the fact that I get so much me time. That's not very productive. Last night after the kids were asleep, I went to Jo-ann's and bought so many beautiful crystals and glass beads. What triggered my guilt, was feeling like today I am having all of this time and then last night I had some time. I am worth it and it's ok for me to have the time to do the things I enjoy. I should feel excited that I attract the time for what I want to do. I am choosing to release any feelings of guilt about the time I have for myself. I deserve it and I enjoy it. I intend to feel appreciation for all the time I have and for all the wonderful things I get to do, from spending time with friends, to working out, to even the little things like taking a shower without the interruptions of children or the worries of what they might be doing while I am showering. Last night after I got back from the store, Sean and I hung out together. We almost played a game, but then we both felt he should get to bed early since he hasn't been sleeping well. Tonight, we have some friends coming over and we'll play some games. I am going to make pizzas for us,and we'll just have a bunch of fun. It's funny how I have been feeling. Things are different, and different in a good way. The way I am talking to myself, the way I am thinking about myself and situations-it's stronger, more focused. I am believing more and more that I am capable of anything I want. It feels wonderful. Something I am really focusing on is slenderness. I am seeing myself as more slender, I am just expecting it to happen easily without much effort. At the same time, i am thinking thoughts about being happy where I am at. It feels good. Ok, back to how I have been feeling. In the past, I would have a really good day followed by 3, 4, or 5 bad feeling days, then have 2 or 3 good days and again followed by 3, 4, or 5 days. Now, I am having positive days, with times throughout the day where I feel really empowered and then followed by a tired day or two, then boom several nice feeling days. The fun thing is, it almost feels like I am able to purposely bring on the really empowered feeling-at will. How awesome that is, to just boom be able to swing into that "flying high, loving life, empowered feeling? I will keep playing with that. Like today, I woke up feeling tired. Though I don't feel bad. Sometimes I wake up tired, I feel really bad. This feels nice. I recognize that my energy level isn't where I want it to be, but it's no big deal. It's not depressing me. Or ruining my day like it has in the past. I have so many fun things to look forward too. I just love it. I have to put these to quotes in here, they resonated so much for me. You are not powerless about anything. When you get a vision and then find alignment with it, you ARE powerful. And then amazing things begin to happen around you. ...You must be free, you *are* free and no one should have the ability to take your freedom from you. And no one does when you know that. And until you do, a 2 year old can entrap you!!!North Los Angeles, 2/18/06 Freedom is the condition that exists within any individual when he understands that the Universe is responding to his vibrational mix. And he is wise enough to follow what feels good in order to bring himself into vibrational alignment with what he desires.2/18/06 North Los Angeles You ARE powerful. You ARE empowered. You ARE free. And nothing feels worse than the PERCEPTION that you are not powerful,not empowered, not free. You are SO FREE that you can choose bondage!The World responds to your vibration. The world responds to thedirection of your thought.So you're utterly free, and discovering that is everything. --Abraham-- Tampa 12/6/03 ahh yep powerful & free to do whatever I want, be whatever I want. To have all the time I want. cards for today: Pele: Divine Passion Ixchel: Medicine woman Nemetona:Sacred Space Going into a quiet place to heal through Reiki and or meditation, and get clear about what i am passionate about. My future isn't about my past (Life is about NOW.) In all of my visualizations, it's good for me to remember to appreciate the now I practice the Science of Deliberate Creation. The harder I push against it, the more I attract its essence. Tarot cards: Past:Six of wands-flying high, enjoying life Present:seven of swords:could just be the feeling of tiredness I have today Future:two of wands:things come together perfectly. In Appreciation, D~

More new moon adventures and cards for today April 28

2006-04-28T10:18:00.000-04:00

This morning started off rocky, started off with me losing my focus. That's ok, because I now have some time to center myself and get into a feeling better place. Sean took the kids to P.E. for field day. The twins are still sick. Keegan is acting like he is feeling better. Hayden is still not quite back to himself. I am sure after a few more days of antibiotics, he'll be more like himself. Last night I went to W's for our new moon gathering. We had some more people, which was nice. I made a necklace for Brianna, she's been asking me all week. W was so generous with her gems/crystals and offered many for me to use in Brianna's necklace. I then made earrings. Yay, I am so excited to have made some. I used some fairy charms and some goddess charms. They are very simple style, it felt great to make them. We were all so busy beading-it was funny. Many times some of us are doing something, but we were just so focused and intent on beading. Everyone had a project they worked on. I had done some henna while I waited for Bri to finish music before new moon, and I just loved how it came out. It's funny how sometimes I do it and just feel good while doing it and love how it comes out and then other times I feel frustrated while doing it and don't like how it comes out. I have come to realize that if I am in a good place I enjoy it, but if I am off, I don't enjoy it. It's a great indicator for me if I am not doing so hot. Back to new moon. I read everyone's cards with their help of course. It's fun to be able to do that, although, sometimes I have to fight off this wave of a feeling that I can't do this that comes over me as I am about to read someone's cards. I think the biggest thing for me to remember is it sometimes takes a few minutes before I get something and that it's ok to be quiet while I absorb the messages of the cards. There's no rush. I am blanking out for some reason. I am having trouble remembering the rest of the evening or if there were other things that I should right about. Oh well. It was a late night and I am tired this morning. Oh one other thing that came up that I should write about is that I was almost allowing myself to alienate myself because of my beliefs. Interesting. Maybe it's more then that. Sometimes, some of the things someone would say, just wouldn't resonate for me. And I caught a part of me saying "you shouldn't be here, you don't fit in." It's very quiet and sneaks up on me when I am least expecting it. I was able to think it through. I reminded myself it's fine that we all have different beliefs, I enjoy their company and they enjoy my company and the diversity of us all is what makes it all so fun. Then it said "but they don't feel that you fit in." Sneaky, first it's about me not feeling like I fit in, then when that doesn't work it says that they don't think you fit in. I had to soothe myself with they invite me to be here, invite me to meditate and obviously do what me to be a part of the gathering. Then it was gone. I am glad I was able to process through the fears and feel good about being with everyone. I can keep doing that. Today I appreciate the beautiful day and the wind blowing, I appreciate that Keegan is feeling more like himself and that him and Hayden are treating each other so lovingly. I love that Brianna and Gavin, get to be at P.E. with their daddy and playing the day away with friends. It's wonderful that it's the weekend, Sean and I have plans with another couple tomorrow night. We are supposed to go kayaking sometime this weekend, whether we can all go, we'll just wait and see. I am taking my Nanny to the movies sunday night. Lots of fun things to do. Sean said he'll play a game with me tonight before he plays games online. I love that I am going to sit and relax a bit while the babies nap, and then I get to see my friends when i go to pick Brianna and Gavin up from P.E.'s after party. I love that last night I came home feeling empowered and excited. I spent a lot of time while laying down, envisioning all of the things I want to experience. It was easy and fun. Today I intend to enjoy some outside time and henna, spend time with my boys, enjoy just being and allow others to just be. I feel like my dad came to me in a dream. The feeling just popped into my head. I can't get more from it. Maybe later it will come back to me? My cards for today: Goddess: Isolt: Undying love: Sedna Infinite supply Vesta Home This just popped into my head, my father is coming through to let me know there will be an abundance of love, happiness, harmony, money, joy, fun coming into my home. Just let it in. Cool. Abe cards: I want to feel good I am selfish enough to want to feel good. See the theme? Ok Setting my intentions right now to feel good! The Universe knows me and the Universe adores me. Love getting this card, its so soothing. Tarot: Past: Lovers Present:ace of stones future: chariot Right away I got that Love, joy, abundance will all be mine with some focused intention. I believe I need to focus my energy more so right now, on abundance and love, and if I use my inner strength and determination to stay focused, it will unfold perfectly. I have lots of good things waiting to be allowed in. I am going to bathe my boys and enjoy them. In Love, Light and Appreciation D~

cards for yesterday April 26 & cards for today April 27th

2006-04-27T15:26:00.000-04:00

Last night I really pooped out and never even got back on to post my cards. So without further ado: Goddess: Maeve:Cycles and Rhythms: honor the cycles of your body, energy levels and emotions." I probably still need to keep her in mind, today I still feel run down and like my body is fighting something off. My energy level felt better earlier and then dipped. I managed to get Brianna to girl scouts and Hayden and Keegan to the doctor. Usually I let these things ride out, but Hayden and Keegan have had fevers for 7 days and Hayden doesn't seem too much better. He's also got a nasty sounding bark cough, like stuff is stuck. The doc felt that they had a throat infection andd needed antiobiotics, I asked if he meant strep and he said he thought so. I lined up nice and quick with giving them antibiotics. It's nice when it's easy. I made it to blockbuster and the grocery store to do quick shopping and fill their prescription. It feels nice to have gotten that all done. Mary Magdalene:Unconditional Love: "Love yourself, others, and every situation-no matter what the outward appearances may be." I needed this yesterday, I was off my game and feeling harsh towards myself and others. Today I am still a bit cranky but not nearly as bad as yesterday. I can love myself even in my low feeling moods. Aeracura:Blossoming:"You are just getting started, so have patience with yourself and the process, and do not give up." Patience that this too shall pass...ok Abe cards: "Whatever I give attention to-wanted or unwanted-I am creating." So all this attention to feeling low , slow unenergetic, not really what I want to be focusing on. What do i want to focus on? Feeling energetic, feeling healthy, feeling slender, feeling happy, feeling guided, feeling connected, feeling loveable, feeling empowered, feeling beautiful, feeling wonderful.. There is an abundance of everything (shortage is only a perception) oh yeah feeling abundant, that's another way I want to feel. To feel better is the root of every desire. (For us to feel better is the only reason any one of us wants anything) Always a great card for me to remembe that for myself and my kids. When we are angry or sad we are trying to feel better. Tarot: Past: ace of swords:using the strength of thought, crystal clear thought Present: Hierophant: I saw this card yesterday and saw tiredness, inflexibility. I don't normally see that with this card. one part of the book said clinging to outdated traditions and to me this says that I am falling back on old habits due to feeling so tired, and some of those old habits are very inflexible. Future: Six of swords:Getting to the point..that's what came to me. Book says:information comes to the surface.. Now for today's cards April 27th Goddess: Artemis: Guardian:"you and your loved ones are safe and spiritually protected." This was nice to get today after feeling anxiety over Hayden's healthy. Yemanya:"Golden Opportunity:"Important doors are opening for you right now. Walk through them." That's nice to know even though my days aren't feeling as positive. Butterfly Maiden:Transormation:"You are experiencing enormous change right now, which brings great blessings." ahhh so maybe all of this yucky feeling will be a wonderful growth. Abe cards: It is not my work to control others. ok I'll try to remember ;) My happiness is my greatest gift to others. I will focus on taking care of me. This is a glorious time for me to be on earth. I'll try to remember this too ;) Tarot card: Past:four of cups: this has four tumbling cups and it feels like "I am off my game" , or like feeling unsure or which way to turn: Book says:feeling weary or dissatisfied, the better path looks too difficult. Yep, I am weary with tiredness and feeling better is feeling more difficult. Present:two of cups: i am not feeling this for my present card. It looks happy and intertwined, connected loving. On one hand it has felt really nice having Sean work from home. It's been comforting to have his presence in the house while I am feeling off. Book Says:union and harmony, represents love, marriage,new romance and friendship..I am missing the message. Future:two of swords: This card is soothing with the shades of blues-I see footprints, i think i will get my footing back..Book Says:a pleasurable time after a painful period..ok I'll take that... Tonight I am going to W's house for new moon. Maybe surrounding myself with all of that positivity and creativity will help me shift and/or refocus on some positive things. I plan to bring my cards and do readings if I am asked, i am bringing my henna because I am naked right now, and Brianna wants me to make her a necklace, so I will do that also. It will be nice to relax and refocus. Hayden wants up on my lap, so I will end this. In Hopefulness, D~

I'm focusing on what i don't want

2006-04-26T15:53:00.000-04:00

Today I am feeling S-L-O-W and my energy is L-O-W, I am also feeling unwell. I find myself focusing on this and feeling bad, and feeling bad that I am focusing on what I don't want. Why am I focusing on what I don't want? Does it matter? Hmmm, how about I am observing how I am feeling today. I have periodically throughout today thought about how I feel when i feel healthy and energetic and empowered. That was my way of trying to focus on what I want, and I have even tried talking in my head about how i want to feel better, energetic, happy and slender. I also need to remind myself that it's ok to have a low, slow feeling day, it means I am wanting things I am not quite lined up with yet. It's ok for me to feel tired, and I can take care of myself and soothe myself. Hmmm how? Ok, like this won't last, it will pass, my weeks are usually filled with fun filled energetic days, I don't feel sick very often, I am generally very healthy. I am often do many fun things during the week with my children, they are also very healthy. It's ok to have a week where we stay home and relax. It's ok to have a day where I don't get many chores or activities done. There's always another day to get things accomplished. It's ok to not feel like I am flying high. I do love that feeling and I do love feeling empowered, though it's ok to just be. I love the days that I feel empowered and happy. Yesterday I spent much of the day in a wonderful, empowered place. It's wonderful to feel energectic, I love it when i wake up filled with energy and excitement. I love it when i feel like I can do or feel whatever I want. i love feeling in a high, happy mood. When I am in a happy high mood, it feels great to be me. Even now, I like being me and just allowing myself to have a slow day. I like remembering that I am constantly changing and shifting, and that these days are only a part of my process. I like allowing and being ok with where I am at. I have much to feel good about. I am really good to myself, I am really good at using my guidance, I am really good at shifting, I am really at taking care of myself, I am really good at choosing my thoughts, I am really at focusing on what I want. TOnight, I am supposed to go to a henna workshop that E is giving. However, I am feeling so tired and just feel like relaxing. I emailed her to let her know that I wasn't up to it. I am sure she'll give another workshop that I can take on a day that I feel more up to it. On a day that I feel more excited about it. It took me some time to figure out what I wanted to do, a part of me was reluctant to cancel because I thought it might shift me into a better mood and I don't like canceling at the last minute. Also, tomorrow night I was invited to W's house and I would really love to go, so I would like to pace myself so that I am up to going tomorrow night. Now I feel good about my decision, I can rest, watch tv, read a book, maybe even meditate. My friend wanted to get together this week, now tonight has opened up, however how I am feeling, I don't feel like i have much to give, like I won't have the energy to talk or hang out. Again, it's just about taking care of me and I think i will do that by staying in and relaxing. There's a few subjects that I want to get clear on and allow myself to receive. First off is expanding on my energy, happiness, well-being & intuition. I want to focus on feeling good with the energy I have, the well being that I have, how happy I am and how much my intuition is expanding. I have a lot of this in my life already and it's constantly expanding. I want to allow slenderness, and nice feeling about being me and being in my body. Also, I want to allow even more financial abundance into my life. I basically I want to have a never ending bank account, I want all of my clothes to fit easily, I want all of it to be easy. The next month, I am going to focus on these subjects and change any thoughts that don't line up with my desire. The other is wanting to be guided by my inner being. Last night L and I watched a movie last night called the Secret. I knew it was abe-ish. I knew the secret right away:Law of attraction. I enjoyed watching it because it was very visual. I am used to hearing or reading about Law of attraction, this had movie-ish parts and many different well known speakers sharing their experiences and explaining the Law of attraction. It was nice being able to watch that with someone who could appreciate the messages, it amazes me that it seems more and more of my friends are open to my beliefs and so accepting. It feels wonderful to be able to share with others so openly. I felt excited and booked myself tickets to see Abraham in Orlando in October. They are doing a full I can do it workshop with Louise Hayes and so many other wonderful speakers. It goes the whole weekend, but for this year I decided to just go to Abe's workshop, I will stay that evening because the key note speaker is Wayne Dyer, and I thought it would be wonderful to see him in person speaking. His later works really resonate with me. I went two years ago with my friend, the first year I went alone, and made a friend, and this past year I went alone and made a friend. This year i asked my friend L to go with me, since she seems to really enjoy the messages. Whether I go with someone or alone, I know that I will make a friend and enjoy myself. Maybe next year i will stay for the whole weekend of the I can do it seminar. I am already feeling better from the start of this entry. Later on I will post my cards, I did pull Maeve, she's all about honoring your body and cycles. How I am feeling is only a cycle and will pass. Oh Last night when my friend was over we pulled new cards and I pulled Rhiannanon, and Athena. I just love them, Athena is all about inner wisdom and Rhiannanon says you are a magical person who can create and manifest what you want. Just love pulling them. Post later with cards... In Appreciation, D~

guidance received while meditating, amazing myself and cards for Tuesday April 25th

2006-04-25T11:39:00.000-04:00

So many cool things to write about today..where to start? Let's start with last night. I went to theater class last night, and what an improvement. Last week, I was feeling really uncomfortable and limited in thinking of ideas to do during our exercises. We played a game where basically it charades without talking and even the person guessing cannot use words. It's all about using your body creatively and many times thinking out of the box. Last week I was feeling inadequate and self conscious. Last night, I felt ready and creative. It came so easy and I really had fun. It felt good to shift out of that really uncomfortable place. I did lines with the teacher and felt really self conscious again, however I was able to process through it and really got a better feel for what I should be doing. As nervous as I was to work with her, I felt like my clarity expanded, my understanding expanded and my creativity expanded. How nice to have all of that expansion! Then I went to W.'s to meditate. It was so vastly different this time. Last time it was vivid and fast and powerful. This time it was slower, more peaceful. What is so cool is that we got the SAME messages, our meditations had so many similarities-it was like so neat. We were all jumping out of our seats wanting to share. Right away I was on a beach with Gavin. I was asking him what he needed? how could I help? And he told me to allow him to be, to allow him when he's angry, that I don't have to fix his anger, just let him be. We danced together and as always my father was there. Then Brianna, Hayden and Keegan showed up and we were all running together in the sand, playing joyfully. Then I heard them tell me that in times where it feels challenging to take a step back and detach from my emotions, to let go of the part that feels responsible for how they act and the part that takes their behavior personally. Then I was told to step out of my body and try to see the situation from a higher perspective and then it will be easier for me to receive guidance and in turn guide them. We were then swimming in the ocean, and it was endless and I kept feeling that's us we're endless. I asked my father how I could see the inner me, the part that knows all, and he said I already have seen her. Then I asked him how I could be the mother I want to be and he said I already am. He then told me that there's beauty in those moments that feel chaotic or challenging to me, that I just need to look for the beauty and you already are all that you want to be. I felt so peaceful and calm and hopeful. It felt wonderful to receive messages that resonated with me, that I understood and could use in my everyday life. I am ready to let go of that responsibility and let go of the parts that take my children's behavior personally. I am so glad I received these messages for today, especially today because all of my children are extremely tired and having a tough time getting into a better feeling place. Gavin especially is feeling angry and sad. He's upset that he can't get passed a level on a game, he's upset that he can't see a friend..he's just screaming and crying very loudly, calling names etc. However I am able to stay centered and grounded. I catch myself feeling angry and then I just sort of pull back, detach, breath deeply and see things from a perspective outside of my body. It's really helping me to stay centered and not let his contrasting situation turn into a contrasting situation for me. It's working with everyone. Brianna was having major meltdowns with her dad this morning, when I came downstairs I just took an emotional step back and was able to look at the situation in a more detached way. Things just diffused and she was able to move into a better feeling place. She began to get angry again and I used these techniques and things just diffused again. It's such a wonderful feeling to be in an environment positive or negative and be in control of how you feel. It's extremely empowering. The other messages that my friends received were pretty close, "just allow others to be" "let go and allow others to be" My friend was on the beach with her son, in the same manner I was asking very similar questions. How cool is that? My friend got a message for me "smiles and connections" I tend to focus on smiling throughout the day, especially at myself in the mirror. Today, I am making a conscious effort to smile more, whether it be at my children or just when I think a nice thought. I am just amazing myself right now, I want more of it. Gavin continues to scream over his disappointment and I just relax and breath. If I can do this today, I can do it any day. Abe says it takes three days to form a new habit and 3 days to let go of an old habit, I can keep this up for the next week, and before I know it, it'll be natural and habitual. I am going to share my tarot cards today, because they really resonated for me and I was excited about them. Past: Threeof wands: This felt like receiving guidance, I am the bright wand in the center, and one bright wand on each side, feeling balanced and guided/supported. Feeling my true self. Book says:talks about some business stuff, then says being in tune to the needs of your environment, being true to yourself, living up to your highest potential while able to truly be yourself, standing tall, security. It all fits together so nicely. Present:Three of stones: right away I saw the sort of dull looking environment, with three bright and gold orbs shining brightly with symbols on them. I felt like this was me today. My environment is well challenging, it's not bright and happy, my children are sick and cranky, but here I am, shining brightly and strong, remaining positive and open and focused on my intentions. Book says: Your mind, body and spirit emerge in fruitful ways, a powerful drive, determined spirit, you possess a creative artistic ability, now is a great time to work on yourself, you have many skills that can wonderful success, you are a dynamo, the power of an expert aptitude, you believe in what you are doing. Wow that is so where I am! Future:once again I picked the six of cups: it's a happy powerful card, launching and lining up with many desires. Notice the numbers of all the cards, how balanced? I have two three's and one six, I just love that it's all derivatives of three or threes, threes are very powerful spiritual numbers. I have to stop and mention how well I just handled something. Brianna and Gavin were having some problems, Brianna was trying to speak to Gavin and Gavin was in a negative attention grabbing mood, it got physical and Brianna kicked him in the face. I felt furious, really furious, this is something that will set me off, when one of my kids really purposely hurts the other one badly, so I kept breathing and breathing and told myself to stay calm and tried to take a step back, I was angry, however I told her it was time to go to her room. Then when Gavin was crying I told him he'd feel better, he wanted more sympathy, but I didn't give it to him. He asked why she kicked him and I let him know that she was trying to talk to him nicely about things, but he wouldn't stop teasing her and he got her really angry. I am more happy at how I remained calm. Goddess cards: Sige:quiet time:Take some quiet time alone to rest, meditate and contemplate." yep her message resonates. Pele: Divine Passion:"Be honest with yourself. What is your heart's desire?" While meditating, I can focus on what i truly desire. Bast:Independence:"Your independence is a foundation for your strength and success." More about balancing fun time, work time and solitude. Yes I am wanting quieter moments to reflect, focus and meditate. Nuture your freedom and independence, yep I can nuture this free feeling. Abe cards: "This is a glorious time for me to be on this earth!" I am feeling this today.. "Anything I can imagine being, doing or having- I can be, do or have." Nice card, I am so there today. The main event isn't the destination;it's my joyous journey. I can have fun alont the way.. I got a very abe-like movie called the secret. A friend is coming over to watch it with me tonight. I am psyched about it. It's fun to be able to watch something with someone who will appreciate the messages, who I can process through the messages of the movie with. How awesome, there was a time when I wouldn't have shared any of this with anyone because I wouldn't have thought they would like the messages. I love the diversity of my friends and their openness. In Love, Light and Appreciation, D~

Gavin and my mom

2006-04-24T15:45:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my mom called and we had a really nice conversation. She's in a pretty good place considering all the contrasting situations that occur in her life. She asked me to draw cards for her, and she got Lakshimi, which really was perfect for her. She really was happy with it. I also then attempted to read her cards and I think she appreciated the messages I received for her. Talking to my mom, it's so easy to allow her to be who she is. I was thinking, how well I was doing this with her, and thought that I should be able to do this with Gavin. My mom and I have so much more history then Gavin and I. I just like the place I am in when I speak to my mom, it's truly unconditional. I would really enjoy for that to come through more so with Gavin and all my children. I want to expand on those feelings of unconditional love. Toward the end of our conversation, my mom asked something of me, that I promised my other family member I would not do. It's not a fun position to be in. This other family member said if I were asked a said thing, to just tell my mom to call them and discuss it-at my request, because at the time I didn't want to be the one to "break" the news to my mom what this person's request was. I decided yesterday to be the one to break the news because I felt I would do it in a more loving way. And my mom was angry at first, not with me, but at the news, I understood, because frankly, I could empathize with what she was feeling. However, I didn't empathize too much, because I didn't want to feel bad and get mad too. I allowed her to talk her angry talk, I knew she was moving up the scale of feelings and trying to feel better. I can't believe how I did it and the words that came out of my mouth. She didn't stay in anger and actually I helped her with her perspective. I posed some questions that made her think about things and question her desires and whether she really wanted them. By the end of the conversation, she was feeling better and so was I. I then thought, if I can handle my mom's anger like that, why not Gavin's or Brianna's? Look at it like they are trying to feel better. It's because how I handle them has become a habit, and I sort of don't go to that unconditional place. It's also a responsibility thing. I feel responsible for how they behave and that's not a fun place to be, especially when they are angry.I intend to shift that, I intend to go to an unconditional place when they are in anger and be their guide. Ok, I want to write more on this but I must pick up Bri and Gavin from the zoo. I will take a break and be back later. I am back, and they did great at the zoo. They were in a super moods on the way home. They had some squabbles close to home. All in all they seemed really happy and excited about their trip to the zoo. Really it was awesome that they were able to do that because we have attracted into our experience, such loving and generous friends. When Gavin, Brianna or any of them are in anger, I intend to keep in mind they are trying to feel better, I intend to be open and free of that responsibility feeling and I intend to guide them as I did my mother, from an open and unconditional loving feeling place. I have theater, so I will go now. Tomorrow I will post about my meditation experience with my friend. One last thing, I am really excited I joined an Abe group geared directly to weight loss in Abe-ish ways. I am looking forward to being open to all of the support. In Love and Appreciation, D~

my cards for Monday April 24th

2006-04-24T15:26:00.000-04:00

Abe: My future isn't about my past. Life is only about NOW. Nothing, that has ever happened has anything to do with now, unless, in my now, I continue to think and speak about it. Fresh new thoughts today will always give me a fresh new experience. It's funny that I picked this card, especially after my tarot reading friday night. My past is a clean slate. Even with Gavin, my past beliefs of him, I can wipe clean and create fresh new thoughts. My happiness is my greatest gift to others. Unless you are in joy you have nothing to give anyway. Ahhhh. I intend to continue taking care of me, and feeling better feeling thoughts. Seeking approval of others hinders my joyousness. Yes, I continue to get this card, however I notice I am getting better at going within for approval rather than going to others for it. I intend to continue with going within for my own approval/joy. It's all about me. Lakshmi:Bright Future:"Stop worrying. Everything is going to be fine." I love her messages, it's so soothing. White Tara:Sensitivity:you are becoming increasingly sensitive. Avoid harsh relationships, environments and situations. Ok so i don't like the label of sensitive, I usually put her back. However, I am in a place right now, where crowds and noise bother me. I can be ok with that. And I can continue to expand and develop sides of me and decrease my sensitivity. It is possible and that's my intentions. Ixchel:Medicine Woman:"You are a channel for Divine healing power." This is a nice card to get today, with the twins being sick. I am also really glad about how I handled their sickness. Sometimes I get anxious when my children are sick. They have been sick since Tuesday, yesterday Hayden was at 103, wasn't eating or drinking, wasn't moving off the couch, didnt' pee until 1 in the afternoon and yet, I was able to feel ok. I felt relaxed, more like I just knew that the sickness would pass. It was nice to feel so trusting. That's a big step for me. He's still sick today, but not nearly as bad. I know that there's healing going on in my house. tarot cards: past:six of wands: I keep getting this card! To me is shows peace, joy, accomplishments present:nine of swords: This card shows a body without a head with nine swords stabbing into the chest along with raindrops. Usually when I see what I perceive to be a negative card, I feel anxious, but I didn't today. Right away I got that this was about my heart chakra being blocked. The book talks about watching your friends carefully or being stabbed in the back, that just doesn't resonate for me, so i won't worry about that. I will say that this card also feels related to Gavin a bit. Sort of like he's in an angry place and I am allowing it to affect me. Future:Four of swords: it's funny my friend got this card when I did a reading for her, so it was neat to see it come up in a totally different way for me. I see this card as things coming together for the good. There's a white orb shining in the circle of swords that ar coming at each other and inter crossing. This also felt related to Gavin. Like that we'd both get into better feeling places and come together in a happy way. In Appreciation, D~

allowing without guilt

2006-04-24T14:32:00.000-04:00

It's been a low key but productive day. Right now I am enjoying some quiet time. My good friend picked up the older kids and brought them to the zoo. It was so hard to allow her to do this, because she lives near the zoo, and well she's driving twenty minutes south of the zoo to get my children and 20 minutes back to the zoo. Last night when she offered I felt guilty and told her no. She sort of persisted, so I relented and said lets see how she felt in the morning. This morning she still wanted to do this, so I decided to just allow her to do what she wanted to do and trust that she knows her boundaries/limits. I get Green Tara a lot and she talks about receiving help without guilt. So here I am enjoying my time, and appreciating that I have such a wonderful giving friend and appreciating that my children are able to have some fun today outside of the house since Hayden and Keegan are still under the weather. Brianna drew Cordelia today: Go outside. I am glad she's able to be outside today with her friends. I am feeling some anxiety, and maybe I should turn it around to something a little more positive feeling. Wouldn't it be nice if Brianna and Gavin were having a wonderful time. Wouldn't it be nice if they were getting along nicely and listening nicely and still having fun. Wouldn't it be nice if they were behaving themselves and enjoying that. Wouldn't it be nice if my friends were all having a nice time with my children. Tonight, I have theater class and then I will meditate with my friend. I am looking forward to that. I hope my exerience tonight is fun and healing and that I shift even more so. I pulled my cards today, and will post them seperately. It seems that the last couple of mornings my 3 Goddess cards are more like a mini reading. I don't feel like I need to keep them all day, I get the message and then I put them back. I can't even remember what the cards were right now, but I am sure it will come to me later. Oh- artemis, Vesta and one other card. I was getting the message that we are surrounded by loved ones and protected. I feel a lot that my father is around and other family members that have passed are with us, helping to bring more love into our home. It was a nice reading to receive. I then went ahead and pulled three fresh cards to keep for today. I like getting messages through the Goddess cards. For my tarot cards, I got that presently i have a blockage with my heart chakra. So I will be heading into the shower shortly and I will do some visualizations to open up any blockages. I also want to do a rampage of appreciation for Gavin. Things have been feeling a little difficult with him. He wakes at 4:30 every morning and tortures us every 15 minutes or so. It's tough. Also, his behavior has been triggering anger in me. My next two posts will be all about Gavin and my cards. In Appreciation, D~

from indecisiveness to clarity...& cards for Sunday

2006-04-23T10:04:00.000-04:00

Good morning! Today I am feeling blah and tired. However, I am allowing my positive self talk whenever I think of it. I went to get Hayden and he was really feverish. He seems pretty miserable. Keegan is feverish, just not as high as Hayden. Hayden hasn't moved off the couch, and this is with some tylenol. I catch myself feeling really bad for Hayden, then I try to think things like, how strong his body is, how is body is taking care of him, how he's building his immune system and it does feel better. I found myself getting very angry with Gavin, he runs downstairs screaming and hitting at everyone. I didn't remember to remind myself that he's trying to feel better too, just going about it in a different way. However I did let myself off the hook for forgetting and feeling angry. Then he hugged me and was so sweet, that was nice. And it was nice that it happened shortly after I let myself off the hook about things with Gavin. Right now, he's eating his cereal, and smiling, and looking happy. It's nice to seem him feeling happier. We were supposed to go kayaking with friends today. Yet, Brianna is complaining of a little sore throat and a head ache. No fever. It's hard, because a part of me is tired and would like to just hang home, but on the other hand I really wanted to do something outside with the older kids. On the other hand, I don't really want to "split"the family up today, yet Brianna and Gavin aren't exactly sick so staying inside all day, might not be great for them. Wow look at my indecisiveness. Yikes! Ok, let's look at what i am more lined up with doing today. I think it feels better to stay with the family and allow everyone to rest up. My friends said we could go kayaking next weekend. I think keeping in mind, that there's more than enough time to do all the things we want to do as a family. Maybe later on we can go for a bike ride together, that might work out, even with the twins feeling under the weather, they can get some fresh air that way. Ok, I feel better now about my choice. Last night we went to Haru's with some friends. I had a lot of fun. Good food, good friends, my husband and lots of laughs, what's not to like? We went downtown Melbourne, they had a band playing. I had never been downtown at night while a party was going. Lots of people having fun, lots of people two sheets to the wind. I have a great time watching people have fun. I did go out of my comfort zone last night. Just being in that environment, I think I am a homebody. What I realized last night, as neat as it was to be outside w/ lots of people with loud music, I think I prefer to hang out in a quieter setting. Could just be the place I am in right now. I keep getting White Tara and I always put her back because I don't like the label of sensitive, but I guess in a way that's where I am at right now. It's not my favorite thing to be around tons of people in a really loud environment. And that's ok. I am glad that I tried it out and went last night, because I tried something new. I like that I am trying different things. It feels good to do that. It also feels good to feel ok with what I like to do. I like to hang out at peoples' houses and talk or play games. It's nice when I am in an environment that allows me to hear what people are saying, I enjoy going to the movies, I also enjoy trying different things, so that I find other things I enjoy. It feels good knowing which things I really enjoy to do and which things aren't as enjoyable for me right now. My cards. Goddess: Damara:Guiding children, I feel this one is more about me connecting with my inner child and having fun...I like the reminder that I am wonderful with children, that I am a wonderful mother. My Inner Being has been telling me just how great of a mom I am, I appreciate hearing it. I intend to continue listening to the wonderful things my Inner being has to say about me, and I intend to allow my child out to play more. Yemanya:Golden Opportunity:"Important doors are opening for you right now. Walk through them." I keep getting this card and I usually put her back because I don't see her message. She says"like the ocean, life is rich with beauty and variety, enjoy experiencing it's various rhythms and allow all doubts to be washed away." I intend to keep this in mind today. Aine:Leap of faith:she says to trust your intentions are clear and right for you, take time to pray or meditate and then make your decision.. Abe cards: By Visualizing my desired outcome, the perfect action is always inspired. I intend to do some visualizing today, seeing the kids as healthy, visualizing everyone in the house happy and having fun together, seeing myself feeling well and energized. I make many decision and make them right. I choose my unique path to joy. No one can create in your experience, for no one can control where you direct thought. On the path to your happiness you will discover all you want to be, do or have. I intend to pay attention where I direct my thought and direct it to what feels better. A fourth card fell out this morning so I took it.. I look for positive aspects in every experience. I intend to look for the positive in all experiences. My tarot cards: Past: son of wands-got this one a day or two ago.. present:two of cups: I see this as receiving love, I see this as allowing myself to love myself. I see this as all the relatioinships in my life shifting to a more loving positive place. future: six of cups...again I got this card yesterday..it shows lots of good things to come.. In Appreciation, D~

The happenings of yesterday, cards for today and some cool stuff

2006-04-22T11:26:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, we went to medieval times. It was fun and crowded and loud. I was thinking during the show, how much more fun I would have had if I were a kid, maybe then the loudness & crowdedness wouldn't bother me. I kept looking at Brianna and Gavin and I'd watch them screaming a long in happiness. That helped. Whenever I began to feel like ahhh this is too much and then I'd look at them smiling and having fun and forget how I was feeling and remember that when i was a child I would have loved this. It really helped quite a bit! Afterward we went on a tour of the place, we were tired, and had to go to the bathroom, so really I could have skipped the tour, but it wasn't very long. We rode with friends, and my kids were really acting silly. Silly to the point of rude. Gavin is in a phase where his hands are always in his mouth and he licks his hands and wipes it on people. Soooo, that can be quite rude. On the ride there, I was feeling pretty annoyed with them. On the way home, I'd get annoyed but it was easier to come out of. I realize a lot of it is me feeling annoyed that they are behaving this way in front of a friend and that it could be annoying my friend-and boom then I am annoyed. I wanted to just completely ignore them, but couldn't seem to do it. Last night, we had our monthly crop night and I enjoyed it. I finally worked with my crystals and made a wonderful moonstone necklace. It's really beautiful and I feel really good about it. I read some cards last night, and did some henna. Mainly did tons of laughing. It was a wonderful night. I am going to take a break and will be back to write a little later. I am back! And feeling really centered. Sean took the older kids out and Hayden and Keegan are napping. I had some time to shower, work out, read my abe emails and pull cards. I read a post on my Abe list today that really resonated for me. It brought tears to my eyes. It's about self love, which I really desire to feel for myself. Well someone posted that their IB guided them in a way to talk to themselves throughout the day, loving self talk. She posted that she was at the store and a clerk wasn't all that friendly with her, and that in the past she might have felt bad or wondered if it were her, instead she "talked" herself through it in her head..She told herself things like, however the woman might be viewing her, has nothing to do with her, and how wonderful she is, and how beautiful etc. I had tears in my eyes and I just thought YES, this is what I need to do. This will help me line up with my desires of self love. I felt the jolt of excitement that I just stumbled onto something very big for me. There are so many times that I can use this self talk, as the kids are fighting, I can talk to myself about how wonderful of a mother I am, and that they can work through this and that I can easily guide them through it when I am needed etc. The possibilities are endless. So today, as I put on shorts that I haven't worn in a while, that are usually baggy on me. I began to notice that they were not fitting me perfectly, but it wasn't a good feeling because it sort of reminded myself that I gained weight. I decided to spin it, and I thought, gosh isn't this great, I have gained weight, and these shorts that I have had since after Gavin was born still fit. That felt much better. Then I started to tell myself what a wonderful healthy body I have, and how good I look even with the extra pounds. Yes I intend to use this self talk whenever I am in a contrasting situation, or whenever I am feeling a little down. I intend to give myself loving, pep talks. Tonight, we have date night, I really want to find something to do, low key. Quiet. We're going out with another couple, which will be fun. I drew some Goddess cards today and I felt they were directly related to tonight. I got the Goddess for drawing boundaries and White Tara for sensitivity. I feel that I need to give my input for tonight, that i would like to do something a little quiet. The plan was to look around at the art festival which feels good, I just would rather not stop into a real noisy place to eat. I would love it if things came together easily for us all tonight, and that we all feel good with whatever we choose to do. And I intend to have a lot of fun with my husband and friends. I decided to draw 3 different Goddess cards to keep with me today, since the other ones I felt I understood the message. Mawu :Mother Earth: right away I noticed the way she is holding the earth in her palm. The past two days (AND yet again today), I have picked the high priestess tarot card and she also has the earth balancing above her palm.Her message is"you are called upon to help with environmentalism." She reminds me that I love playing in the dirt outside and that I create my own reality. Cordelia: Go outside: "You have been indoors too long. Go outside and get some fresh air." It's funny that I picked two very outside/earthy cards today. She also mentions that your manifestation will occur in May, which is right around the corner. She's also the Goddess associated with Beltane. Cool. Green Tara:start delegating: "Ask other to help you, instead of trying to do everything by yourself." She reminds me to take care of me and feel good about it. Today, I really wanted a low key, quiet day. I arranged it so that Sean, Brianna and Gavin would be enjoying each other's company today. They went to truck day, the library and Sean called to say he'd like to take them to a movie. I can feel good that I helped create the quiet time that I wanted. It says Green Tara rescues us by empowering us to save ourselves. I like it. My Abe cards: Any surprise? "I envision more and act less" I intend to continue envisioning myself expanding in all the ways that I want. I intend to self talk lovingly to myself in easy and contrasting situations. "the measure of my success is my joy." I will keep myself focused on whether I am happy rather than whether I feel successful. It's all about having fun. "As I breath deeply, I feel myself thrive." I love this, I thrive just by breathing, how simple? I intend to take time thoughout my days to just breathe deeply and remember how I thrive by breathing. My tarot cards: I picked awesome cards Thursday night (with the high priestess), then I picked cards last night(again with present card being high priestess). Today, my present card is yet again , the high priestess. Past: Eight of wands: it looks like a bunch of torches ready to be shot off, I thought right away, look at those desires i have been launching! I felt like many of them were lined up and ready to manifest. Book says, things start moving extremely quickly, sudden progress and movement, change for the better, hope for a better future. I have had a shift and I have launched desires, that I seem to be lining up with. Present card:High priestess: I saw right away that I have the earth circling in my hand and felt wow, I am a creator of my own reality. I am powerful, I am intuitive.book says: a time to meditate and look inward, reconnecting with one's own serene knowledge, a feeling of calm serenity, step back and have faith, the answer will come, use quiet intution, ask what you feel rather than what you think, allow your inner voice to be heard, be at peace with life, let the feeling of being fill you with joy...All that please, I intend to feel at peace, I intend to use my intuition, I intend to have faith and allow, I intend to feel calm serenity, I intend to allow my inner voice to be heard, I intend to reconnect with my own serene knowledge, I intend to meditate and look inward, I intend to allow the answers to come, I intend to let the feeling of being fill me with joy..I intend to talk lovingly to myself and hear loving thoughts about myself. The fact that I have picked this card in a present position the last three times, feel like I need to realize that I am all of these things, I am more of a high priestess than I realize or allow myself to be. Future:Six of cups: Six cups that look like they are dancing above beautiful blue water 3x3, with bubbles and in the bubbles you can see more cups, the water is calm and peaceful with the shape of a star imprinted in the water, there's rainbows swirling around and pink, yellow, orangish tulips. This felt like the things I have been desiring coming to be. Fun, happiness, joy. love! Book says: blissful fulfillment that past work has brought, looking back at a happy fullfilled past,delightful memories, harmony and balance, casting your eyes toward the future. Yeah, the bubbes are more desires being launched out to the Universe. what awesome cards for today. Last night I had really cool cards: Past: was the blank card, my friend C said that it was like a clean slate. That really resonated for me, for a long time, I have felt like it was hard to shift because the past has shaped me so. The blank card was almost like the past doesn't matter anymore, you are free, and maybe indicates that I am ready to let it go. I belive L said something to the fact that the past can't hold me back anymore, it all resonated so much and it felt great to get that card. Present was High priestess and future card was Ace of swords-book says: crystal clear thought. Piercing through the fog and finding an answer.Strong determination, using the strength and force of thought, directing your intent, being able to focus on each seperate facet of your life, crown of enlightenment. I sure feel enlightened to today. Especially with what I just attracted today on the abe list, an idea to allow expansion of my own self love, by self talking loving words to myself. LOVE IT! May tonight, Sean and I enjoy our night with our friends and reconnect with sides of ourselves that are ready to expand. In Love, Light and Appreciation, D~

A night for sharing, loving, laughing, releasing and growing

2006-04-21T00:08:00.000-04:00

What a night. Tonight a dear friend came over. We did our usual cards and what really awesome tarot/Goddess readings for each of us. Whoa. I love my tarot cards so much I will keep them for tomorrow and I will share them tomorrow. I want to get some sleep but wanted to post about tonight. I feel free, I feel lighter, I feel like I allowed healing that I didn't realize I needed-all with the help of a wonderful friend. I was able to open up about major insecurities from the past that occasionally pop up to bite me in the butt all sort of intertwined with our friendship. But not really about the friendship. It's hard to put into words. It doesn't even need to be put into words. It just feels so amazing that we can be so open with each other and that it flows easily and lovingly and all feels even more well in my world than it already felt. That's an awesome thing. I love that I & she manifested this deep healing conversation and that it unfolded perfectly. We are truly blessed to have each other. I appreciated her loving receptivity to my openness, her wonderful ability to be open to what I was saying, and allowing me to process through it with her. She made it so easy for me to talk about uncomfortable things. And I feel we're even closer for it, I feel I can let the old baggage go, I feel really refreshed. It feel so good, it's hard to explain. It gives me hope that processing things with anyone can go smoothly. AAHHH...That's nice to think about. There's been a wonderful shift tonight, for me and I am glad she helped me through it. Wow, things are really shifting for me. It takes something like tonight for me to realize, all the things that are happening in me. She had so many kind things to say to me, and her perspective of me, how she sees me, had my brows furrowing. Like huh, me? But why not me. Can't I see what she sees in me? I am worthy of it. And hopefully she can see what I see in her, which is a deeply spiritual, connected, unique, loving, open, engaging, fun, spirited, adventurous, intelligent, caring, bright eyed, special, strong, magical, creative, energectic,and lets not forget, passionate person. In Appreciation and continued Expanding, D~

Earth day, Cards for today, intentions and other ramblings

2006-04-20T13:51:00.000-04:00

Today has been not bad not great, or maybe that's how I am feeling, not great not bad. We started off the day with girl scouts. Brianna enjoys that so much, and I hang out in the nursery with the boys. Gavin was in an angry place, more so feeling angry with his brothers. And feeling protective of what he is doing when they get near. I focused on reminding myself that he is just trying to feel better and I really shouldn't pay attention to the name calling that comes out of his mouth. I think I did pretty well in the nursery dealing with that. I noticed Keegan was feeling warm and when we got home I took his temperature and he had a fever. We were planning on going to the zoo and meeting friends and the kids got really excited about that, so they were disappointed. Brianna did something awesome, she said at least we have something fun to do tomorrow, Medieval times and we'll have a great time doing that. And we can go to the zoo next week. How great to watch her trying to help herself move out of disappointment. WOW. I will get back to today, but I wanted to talk about Earth day. Tuesday, at Life class we all worked in the church yard to get their yard straightened out in celebration of Earth Day. We raked and bagged leaves and I really enjoyed myself. I also am happy about somethings that occured while I was working. First it felt great to be working in nature and digging my hands into the leaves. It was really soothing and calming. Next, I got to work along side my children, which was nice. Hayden & Keegan stayed home to nap with daddy, so it was perfect, because I was able to stay focused on what we were doing. Then at one point, I started to notice who was working, who wasn't etc...and sometimes this can lead to frustrating thoughts. Instead I became aware of choices of thoughts. And I chose to think much nicer feeling thoughts, as everyone is doing their part in their own way, look at all the ways the children are making this fun for themselves and it really felt good and it sort of took the focus off of what I perceived some were not doing and more on what they were doing. And I was able to enjoy what I was doing that much more. I want to expand on that awareness even more and choose nice feeling thoughts. I am proud of myself for that. All in all, I realized how much I liked being outside and getting dirty and that was nice. I feel low on energy and I am not feeling so good about that. It's ok to feel tired, it's ok to feel lazy. There are plenty of days when I have an abundance of energy, and right now this is only a moment, at any time today there could be a shift and boom I allow boundless energy. Before Brianna and Gavin were driving me bananas with all of their teasing and bickering and I was struggling. After I allowed myself a mini-breakdown, I began to just imagine them as getting along. I began to focus on allowing them to figure things out and trying to keep myself out of it. For the last 45min or so they have been getting along so nicely. Sharing and building with k'nex, I have been asking if they want to play games and they are so busy with themselves they hardly notice me. It's really nice to see them enjoying eachother. It's feels so peaceful. More of this please. M, my wonderful family member, left a comment yesterday. And it was so helpful. I realize shifting my perception to what a gift they all are to each other could really help the dynamics of our family. I think I have fallen into a bit of a rut of focusing on how much they fight, tease etc and how much energy I spend trying to fix their fights or find solutions to their problems, instead of remembering that they are so lucky to have each other and I don't have to solve their problems. I think I might have been focusing on the cons of siblings way too much. Many of my close friends have one child and I think I sometimes look at their situation and remember what it was like when i just had Brianna, and how things were much easier. Or I imagine only having one child to homeschool. I love all of my children, but I guess I see more children as more work. Maybe working on that perception could be beneficial. Anyway, it was a breath of fresh air reading M's perspective and input on siblings, it was like that's right siblings are a gift to each other. Ahhhhh, it helped me remember why I wanted more than one, heck more than two in the first place. I wanted a big family filled with love and that's what I have. A big wonderful family filled with all different experiences and I am really blessed. And they are blessed to have each other. I intend to focus on how wonderful it is that my children have the gift of sibling-hood. I intend to focus on all of the wonderful benefits to having multiple children. As i watch Brianna and Gavin busy playing together, I am smiling, what better pro then that they always have a playmate, someone is always their to create and imagine with. I intend to shift my focus with regards to my children and hard work. I intend to see them as fully capable of doing many things on their own. I intend to realize that most of what I do with the kids or for the kids benefits us all and we usually have fun doing it. Brianna showers on her own, Gavin and her brush their teeth on their own, Gavin can get himself dressed, and they are able to clean their own rooms and put away their laundry. There are many things they do to make things easier on me. Bathing the Hayden and Keegan is fun, watching them play with eachother, getting them dressed is rather easy and I get to pick what they will wear. In a couple of months the twins will be potty trained and then they'll be no more diapers to change. Really a lot of what I do with them, I can usually have fun while I do it. If I shift from the place of feeling like I have to solve their problematic situations into allowing them to figure things out on their own, things will feel much easier. I intend to allow my children to work thru their situations and to trust in their abilities. Ok, I am feeling much better, before I post my cards, I have been reading friend's tarot cards whenever I can, so that I can expand my intuition. Yesterday after drama, my friends came back to my house. The kids played and I read each of their cards. With two I felt right on, and with one, I felt I had the message right, but it didn't seem to resonate with her, so maybe the message was for me or maybe she wasn't in a place to recognize the message, who knows? I just know that I want to keep practicing and allowing the expansion, and I want to line my thoughts up with that all. My cards are: Goddess which one is in me the most right now: Nemetona:Sacred space:"Create an altar or visit a power place to connect with the Divine." I don't feel I have to visit a power place, but that I am in a place like, where I am wanting to meditate and connect. And ultimately I think I need to keep doing that, and allowing quiet creative times. Which messages do I need most today: Sedna: Infinite supply:"You are supplied for today and all of your tomorrows." Always a nice soothing card to get. Mary Magdalene:Unconditional Love:"Love yourself,others and every situation-no matter what the outward appearances may be." This is a great card for today and I am feeling more loving/forgiving. Abe cards: My health and Well-being are natural forever. Nice card to remember, with the twins getting sick and with my gall bladder stuff. i will write quickly that my gall bladder has been doing better. I had the pain friday and then nothing til yesterday and it was mild. Then I got acupuncture/ with some crystal healing and I am feeling great. By visualizing my desired outcome, the perfect action is always inpspired. ahh I can do that. to feel better is the root of every desire.(for us to feel better is the only reason any oneof us wants anything.) I will keep this in mind, while I watch the different things happening with my children, Sean, friends, family and I. My tarot cards Past position: ten of swords: I have been feeling like i have a lot coming at me, to keep up with and feeling tired. Present:Ace of swords: the card feels like connection, peace, expansion. I line up with all those things coming at me and it doesn't feel as bad when I do. Like my children, I do feel at times that they are all coming at me and it's too much, and this card reminds me to shift gears and things will shift with everyone, and that it will feel easier, more peaceful. Future:Two of swords: it's all blue and fels peaceful, I think that things will become more balanced. More harmonious. Yes, there will be a shift and good things will come of it. the shift will come from me. In Love and Appreciation, D~

what do I want?

2006-04-19T11:57:00.000-04:00

This morning has felt busy, and I notice my mood is a bit low and dragging. I want to focus on feeling as best as I can. As I sit here trying to type Gavin is whining about this and that and I feel myself getting angry because I want to have some time to focus on feelings-See I just had to leave again, because Hayden decided to knock all the magnets off the fridge. And boy am I angry. I don't always know how to feel peaceful or joyful when things feel chaotic. I don't always feel like I can get into a better mood, when the kids won't give me a few moments peace, even now, as I am typing, Gavin is still bugging me and gosh I am feeling really mad. So here's where I am, I am dragging, I am angry with myself and the kids. What do I want, I want some relief, I want to feel better, I want to be able to center myself regardless of what's going on. I want to stay where I am at emotionally regardless of my childrens' behavior. I want to remember to look for the things I appreciate in them, even in moments that I am not liking their behavior. I want to feel ok no matter what they are doing. In whatever they are doing that seems to be bothering them I want to remember that they are trying to feel joyful, they are trying to regain their connection and in those difficult times, I want help from my Inner Being, or Spiritual Guides, or my dad. I just want help, and strength. All of my kids have different wants and desires and I was going to say that they are all different wants and desires, but I guess underneath it all, it's about feeling better, feeling happy and they are all going about it in their own way. That's where I get stuck. I don't know what to do when one is going about feeling better in a way that he's hitting the other one, or teasing the other one, then I feel powerless and get angry that I don't know what to do. I want the solutions to flow to me, I want to be able to help myself feel better in those times. Even as I write this I am not feeling the relief I want to feel. I am focusing on the things I want. I want to feel better right now. I just want the feel better thoughts to flow to me and for it to be easy. What thoughts will make me feel better, what will bring me some relief. I want to allow them to come to me. Brianna is working upstairs diligently on work books. I appreciate that, even though she's not fond of workbooks, she's meeting me in the middle. She knows tomorrow and friday will be text book free, and she knows that for next year, we'll have much less textbooks and with all of that she's lined up with compromising with me. i appreciate that she has compromised with me. I appreciate that she started her homeschooling by making her own Goddess /Well being cards with loving messages and pictures on them. How nice that she wants her own made up cards to bring her daily joy, the way I use my cards. How very creative of her. Gavin is playing in the living room, as he sings a song about farts, yes farts. He thinks farts are the funniest things. So he's busy humming about farts and building with blocks in the living room. I appreciate how he's able to keep busy creating castles or the land of oz with blocks, legos etc. I appreciate that he finds cleaning up important and helpful and that he loves to do that. Brianna just ran downstairs to share some of her work with me. She's working in her language arts work book and it's fill in the blank long U words. Well she's circled the correct answer and wrote in an answer that she finds silly, so she's reading all of these wacky sentences and cracking up and then tells me she did it for me, because she wanted me to laugh. How sweet! Back to Gavin, he's constantly cleaning up after himself, how cool is that? With four kids, it's great to have one that is conscious about cleaning up after himself. He cleaned up the magnets that Hayden through all over the floor without even being asked. He can be so loving and affectionate at times. ok so I am beginning to feel better. I am going to eat a salad, and take a shower and I intend to keep feeling better and better. I am ready to allow feeling good thoughts my way. I intend to allow guidance from my Inner Being. In Appreciation, D~

My cards for Wedneday April 19th

2006-04-19T00:23:00.000-04:00

Real quick post before bed. Tonight I intend to fall asleep easily and wake up feeling an expansion of my energy and joyfulness. My cards for tomorrow: Abe: When i appreciate I feel so very good. Tomorrow I intend to appreciate whenever I can, I intend to find many things about me to appreciate. I envision more and act less. Tomorrow, I intend to envision all those things I want. I have been doing a lot of that, and I will continue to do that. Drawing that card, is evidence to me that it's important for me to keep that up. The Law of Attraction, the most powerful Universal Law, is my friend. You create with your every thought. Tomorrow I intend to pay attention to my thoughts and remember every thought is a creation. I intend to choose what I want to think and create. Goddess cards: I asked for the Goddess that would most represent me tomorrow. Isis: "the situation involves your past-life memories." Her message to me, is more about my child hood memories, and I intend to be aware of any childhood memories that could be holding me back in my growth. And I intend to re-do those childhood memories and be easy on myself tomorrow. Vesta:I am going to do a visual cleansing, along with some smudging tomorrow. Aphrodite:"Awaken the goddess within you through dance, self-care, and appreciating your divinity." I haven't gotten her in a LONG time. I intend to be open and aware of her messages and envision myself awakening that part of me. Tarot cards: Past: five of cups: four grey cups spilling out into one large green cup, with stormy gray skies. I am not feeling this card, or getting it, but I guess it's ok cause it's in the past. Present:Nine of stones:golden orbs 4 x4 lined up with one in the center, with golden purple white light. This card feels like achievement of some sort. i see the letter H, for harmony, balance, I have achieved harmony in my body, my body feels good.. Future: Ace of cups: water pouring into a blue cup, three golden rings below, a rainbow in the background. This feels like I am open to receiving, all of that water pouring into the cup, blue, throat chakra, The goblet is floating above the rings and the rings are above the water, my emotions will be high, will be light and joyful, the three rings are body mind and spirit and they are open and lined up.. nice cards for tomorrow. In Love and Light, D~

Messages while mediatating and cards for April 18th Tuesday

2006-04-18T10:13:00.000-04:00

Last night, after drama, I spent some time with a friend who wanted to meditate together. It was really quite a wonderful experience. We started off etching whatever came to us in a candle, then we said our own version of a prayer and what we intended. I brought several Goddess and Abe cards and placed them around our "altar". We meditated for 15 or 20 min. Mine was so vivid and peaceful. I felt so empowered. It was truly amazing. During the meditation, I saw myself flying about and I looked so different. I then saw the other me, like I know, in the fetal position, scared, sad and disconnected. I was told that the two me's needed to come together, not as one complete, but intertwined. My father was with me through most of the meditation. He was my guide and was with me as I embraced the other me. The other me was beautiful, joyful, slender, healthy, completely at peace and felt wonderful to be her/me. When we intertwined, we flew around together. I danced on the beach with my father. My friends that I was meditating with were there, and we danced and flew around to different spiritual planes. We blew energy bubbles from one plane, then there was a fire and I jumped into the fire and sort of let go of the stuff I don't need, let it be burned away, and then the fire burned beautiful white and I was anew, I allowed it to fill me anew, I allowed it to expand all the wonderful things I have in my life. Then my friends and I were on this plane and beings were writing all of these symbols all over my body. Yoda was there. I know, hee hee, but I think he symbolizes someone wise and spiritual to me that could come forward in a non threatening way, and I asked him what was my message and he said you already got it, and I saw myself entwined with the other me. I got that I need to sort of invoke her in my day to day activities, remember her, allow her out more. I saw my children and saw them intertwine with the other them and it happened quickly and easily and I realized I could visualize that happening for my family on the hard days. Then I was back to the beach and many people were holding hands in the shape of a never ending spiral and light was flooding down on them. I also saw my third eye opening and a huge volcano erupting. It felt like I could see or do anything , it was so peaceful and exciting at the same time. I didn't want to the mediation session to end. And at the same time, I wanted it to end because I was so excited to share the visions. There was so much more, just can't quite remember everything, I am sure that if I need to remember something it will be there for me. Well I have life class shortly and want to share my cards quickly. Goddess: I asked to pick one that was awakened and in me and I got Lakshmi:Bright Future:"stop worrying. Everything is going to be fine." "Hold positive intensions and visualize abundance." It's nice that this is the card I picked, it's very fitting, for I feel like that part of me is awake and aware. Brigit:Don't back Down:"Stand up for what you believe is right""Don't worry about what others think, trust your actions, stick to your truth, be clear about your intentions and touch your power." For this card I asked which Goddess I needed to be with me today. Her messages above resonate for me very much. Next White Tara:Sensitivity: her message doesn't resonate as much for me but I feel her message to me is to listen to my body and steer clear of what my body wants me to avoid. Abe cards: All is well...I asked for the card that would fit where I am at..nice card, nice to know I am on that path. The measure of my success is my joy: I asked for a card that I should keep in mind today. I am selfish enough to want to feel good: I asked for a card to help me on my spiritual path. Tarot: Past position: Death: cool card to get in the past position after last night, where I was sort of reborn and intertwined with the real me, and let much go in the fire. An ending and a new beginning. Present:Father of cups:A male-ish figure sits on the steps with a halo around his head and a book floating above his hand, in the back ground large stone horses nuzzle, a fire is being him. I see this card representing strenghth, but gentle loving strength, the book is just floating within his grasp, like if he needs it it's right there, I feel I am ready to embrace my strenght and gentleness..let 's see what the book says:Will see the best in himself and others, this often brings out the best in others, he is like the Magician, but is more focused on the journey rather than the outcome, can also mean an increase in wealth. Great card for me today. Love it! Future:three of cups, three golden cup spilling into goldn water, it feels serene and abundant, and flowing gently, I think I will continue to focus my intentions on the things that make me feel good, and more good things will come my way. book says: emotional healing, loved ones surround you.. I will go enjoy my day. In Love and Light, D~

cards for April 17th and looking for peace

2006-04-17T14:19:00.000-04:00

I went to art co-op and felt overwhelmed. I was aware of how I was feeling and then I was feeling bad for feeling that way, but I couldn't seem to shift out of it. Right now I intend to let go of my judgements for how I am feeling. It's ok to feel how I am feeling or how I felt. At art co-op, I didn't like feeling like I was bringing others down, or that K went though the trouble to have us over, buy us pizza and supply the craft and I wanted her to know I was appreciative even though I was overwhelmed. So before you know it,I am already feeling overwhelmed, feeling bad that I am feeling overwhelmed, feeling bad that I am feeling overwhelmed and can't shift easily into a better place that I am now feeling bad that I might not be acting appreciative which could be making K & others feel bad...well gee, no wonder i couldn't shift into a better place. I was so busy feeling bad about everything and anything. K was also nice enough to offer swimming, which I had not intended to do. Brianna and Gavin wanted to badly, and K & others were nice enough to lend bathing suits and let them stay without me. So as I am leaving, I am thanking everyone and feeling badly that I am leaving my kids behind. Then I realized I was doing it again, feeling bad. I should be feeling good, what awesome friends to offer that my two older children could stay and swim. How blessed am I? Then I soothed myself by realizing that there have been many art co -ops that I have allowed children to stay with me without their parents and I do that quite often for many of my friends. So why can't I easily allow them to do it for me? Why not accept their help and offers and feel wonderful about it. We all do it for each other. I intend to accept, receive and allow help and offers more graciouosly and appreciatively, well i do appreciate, how about I intend to allow and accept help while feeling good about it. This all feels better. I was feeling overwhelmed, and I had trouble, but now it's quiet, Hayden and Keegan are sleeping, Brianna and Gavin are swimming and having a wonderful time. Now it's time for me to enjoy the quiet and feel peaceful. I can let my body relax and quiet my mind a bit. After I post my cards, I intend to quiet my mind and relax my body. I intend to feel peaceful and appreciative for this unexpected time to myself. Yesterday we went to my brothers and had a great time. In the past it's been challenging, trying to keep up with the twins, yesterday we were able to get a glimpse of how easy it will keep getting and how much fun the kids will have together. I also read my SIL's and her mothers tarot cards. It came so easily and I really enjoyed it. They also picked an abe card and a goddess card. I enjoyed that so much. Then my brother and Nanny wanted to be read, and I just couldn't relax into it, I could read my brother a bit, but my nanny I got completely blocked on and really struggled. Maybe too close to home or something. However, I think I would like to continue reading my close friends and maybe Sean if he'd let me. My cards for today, I haven't fully read into them, but will do it as I post them: Goddess cards: Rhiannon:Sorceress:"You are a magical person who can manifest your clear intentions into reality." Ok I have my new favorite card. This card, was so needed today, it brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful reminder for me when I am feeling overwhelmed that I am magical. Two other messages from her that really resonate for me: Know that you deserve good and put your energy into manifesting your dreams. Sedna:Infinite Supply:"You are supplied for today and all of you tomorrows." Who doesn't like abundancy? I love her reassuring messages. ixchel: Medicine woman:"you are a divine channel for Divine Healing power." My body has been feeling better and I appreciate that so much. Abe cards:Whatever abundance I seek is mine. (it is Law)! I seek lots of peaceful nice feelings and lots of energy and joy. I seek lots of patience, lots of fun. I seek lots of self loving feelings, lots of connectedness and intuition, expanded slenderness, lots of good health and well being and lots of financial abundance to keep doing all the fun things we like to do.. I want to feel good. Today no matter where I am going, no matter what I am doing, no matter who I am doing it with- it is my dominant intention to see that which I am wanting to see." I'll change the end to be: It is my dominant intention to feel as good as I can in the circumstance. I practice the Science of Deliberate Creation. Giving thought to anything is creation; giving deliberate thought anything is deliberate creation. I intend to picture what I want out of today in my head. my tarot cards: Past:The Hierophant This looks like someone really connected, balanced, intuitive. Person has a sort of gold crown, and above is infinite swirls with a yin yang in the middle and underneath her upper torso are three intertwined rings. This card feels really spiritual, this card feels powerful, how I felt yesterday. Books says : a person of high spiritual standing, can indicate a ritual or ceremony. I have been feeling really spiritual this past weekend, so this card feels fitting. Present:Ten of cups: this cards depicts ten goblets that aren't lined up evenly, but are standing on water, part of the water is green, some is red, a large sun looming over a pyramid. Some of the goblets have rays of lights, coming out of them. The red water to me signifies some troubles, but it turns to green which to me signifies :abundance, well being and happiness. So I had some feelings like the red water, overwhelment, but it shifted to green and now I am feeling better. book says reconnecting with one's true self. Peace and harmony.. Ok more of that please. Future: Six of wands: ohh i love how this card looks- there are six torches lit up with white flames and white wings appear above, like freedom...This card feels like flying high, feels like I will be feeling free, feeling powerful and ready to shift. Book says: flying high, high energy, feeling good about yourself, a triumphant attitude that inspires others. Wow I love this card.. i intentd to feel free, feel peaceful, to feel good about myself and to reconnect with myself. In Love and Light, D~

My intentions

2006-04-17T10:07:00.000-04:00

How I want to see myself, courtesy of a loving friend, her exact words: "I wish you could see yourself how others see you. How I see you, in particular. You are an amazing, vibrant, caring, compassionate, spiritual, generous soul who has a beautiful family and many friends who love her. I know that it does not always feel that way to you, but to the outside world - you are a gift from god. " Wow, it amazes me that someone would see me like this and that's sort of sad. If I believed all of that about myself, I think I would walk around with a smile on most of the day. I appreciated her words so much that I just needed to put them here, where I will read them and set my intentions to feel that about myself. If someone else can see me that way than I can too, and I will be so much better off for it. Thank you to my special friend, your words, brought tears to my eyes and they meant so much more then I can even put to words expressively. You warmed my heart and helped me set my intentions for today. Today I intend to read those words above and I intend to see myself in that way. I have art-co op in a few minutes and I am not even showered. I have more things I would like to write about and my cards for today. I will post again later. In Appreciation, D~

Things can be easy..

2006-04-16T12:16:00.000-04:00

I have this habitual thing I do sometimes, that I don't feel benefits me, but many times I really want to do it anyway. And this morning I had my mind made up that I would do it and not beat up on myself about it. That I would be easy on myself about it. However, I intended to do my journal entry and my card entry before I would allow myself this habitual thing. Well, a wonderful thing happened, the desire to do this habitual thing just dissolved. How cool is that? I think I will take a shower now. Much Love, D

Cards for Easter Sunday 2006

2006-04-16T11:20:00.000-04:00

All my cards speak to me today.. Abe: Nothing is more important than that I feel good. And feeling good is where I am at today, and i can easily see why it's important. My joy doesn't depend upon the approval of others. No effective guidance will ever be achieved by seeking the approval of others, for they all desire different things of you. Constant pure guidance from Source comes forth from within you. It is always there. Getting this card was wonderful today, especially since I am ready to let go of that pattern of wanting others approval. The Law of Attraction, the most powerful Universal Law, is my friend. you create with your every thought. By the Universal Law of Attraction. you are attracting the essence of whatever you are giving your attention to wanted or unwanted. yes I gave attention to what I wanted to let go of, and then I turned it around to focus on what I want to allow in, and i have been busy visualizing all that I want to allow. Very timely card to get today. My Goddess cards: Artemis:Guardian:"you and your loved ones are safe and spiritually protected." i love her message that all my needs are being met and always will, it's so soothing. Last night, I was feeling a bit anxious as I went to bed. I was double checking that all the doors were locked, which is not like me, I usually go right to bed and trust that the doors are locked. It was comforting to get her reassurance that I am safe, after those weird feelin"gs before bed. Sekhmet:Be Strong:"you are stronger than you think you are, and your strength assures a happy outcome."Her messages really resonated with where I am:don't underestimate yourself, see yourself as victorious, your are the embodiement of strength, as you rise above old tendencies and see yourself in the new light of feminine strength, your life will shift in miraculous ways. You'll attract new opportunities, forms of abundance and relationships to help you manifest your highest potential. Being strong means seeing yourself in the most favorable light you can imagine. Wow, it reminds me to keep imagining myself how I want to be, and picking out the things I love about myself and focus focus focus! I love being reassured that I am strong, and that I will rise above old habits and my life is shifting. Oonagh:Easy Does it:"There is no need to hurry or force things to happen. Everything is occuring in perfect timing."-slow steady progress is best right now, do what's important to you, there's no reason to feel competition, or to hurry or to feel like you have to force things to happen. This is a great card for me, because as I am shifting, it's nice to remember that I don't need to force anything and I don't need it to hurry. Slow and steady. Wonderful reminder for me today. Things will unfold in their own time, perfectly. Tarot: Past position: Six of cups:six floating cups, 3 side by side, above beautiful water, wth bubbles and flowers and a star imprinted in the water. This card feels peaceful and joyful, and I think it represents best how I felt yesterday and last night. I was free and launching desires, (like the floating bubbles) and I was uplifted and hopeful. Book says: ok wow, Casting your eyes toward the future..wow what did I do last night and early this morning, I visualized all that I wanted..The blissful fullfilment that past work has brought. Looking back at a happy fulfilled paast..delightful memories, harmony and balance, associations that are full of pleasure..that card was so on! Present: Father of Swords: There's a man standing on pillars, with three connected circles, amongst joyful sunflowers, with his arm raised up, with his hand, holding a light, with rays shing down around him, there's also religious type looking symbol..This card feels very spiritual and very strong. Like I will be on top of things, the things I want to do, will feel easy, I am in complete control of my reality and I am ready to accept that responsibility. Book says: an active, forceful intellect. Successful. A born leader. Inspiring rather than frightening. It goes on, but doesn't totally resonate with me. I think I will go with my intuition. Future: Father of wands:it's night, there's a large moon and pyramids, a golden figure, is sitting on a chair that looks like an open book, the area looks like a sanctuary of sorts, with candles, goblet, dog and cat..The figure looks in deep mediatative thought. That's strange that he sits upon an open book. This to represents, being in a mediatative state, the large book he sits atop, show endless possibilities, and that I am open to them. The cat and dog represents the joy that I feel as I do my mediatative visualizations. I will be relaxed and calm during the process. Book says: wow, what I said doesn't match the book at all. Someone with incredible intellect but lacking in social skills. Chained by his constant need to consume knowledge. He is rich with invention but never satisfied. I wouldn't call myself a big huge intellect and that I have a constant need to consume knowledge. Either this card, is representing someone in my life, or I should go with what I felt when i picked the card. Maybe I will pick a card to shed some light on this card..Hey L, if you have an ideas leave a comment.. picked another card with the intent to understand the father of wands card. Mother of Swords: a woman, floating in the night sky with an eye of light and rays above her, she's over white mountain of snow, and under is black water, and purple mask and flowers..I get this represents expanded intuition, seeing and feeling using third eye. Purple is a highly intuitive color, the mask shows hiding something. Ok something came to me quickly as I typed that last sentence, I have been hiding my intuition, blocking my third eye, but I am ready to throw down the mask, what's been covering my creativity and intuition.. Putting these cards together, I feel that the Father of Wands represents, what I am doing to open my blockages, I am open, like a book, I am open to doing what will help me expand my creativity, intuition and happiness, which is doing some mediatative things and allowing. The mother of swords, helped me understand the card more and shows that I will succeed. I intend to keep the messages of my cards with me throughout the day. In Appreciation, D

Happy Easter! Allowing new beginnings and releasing what's not needed..

2006-04-16T09:46:00.000-04:00

Good morning, it's a wonderful day and I am feeling so powerful. It's so refreshing to feel that I can be do or have anything. The card I had yesterday really states how I feel today. Something has shifted and I am deliberately choosing to picture all the things that I want to be or have in my life. It started last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was sort of wired, and I decided to use that time to visualize all the things i want to allow in to my life. Things like a bank account with 500,000 dollars in it, feeling good in my body, feeling slender and allowing the slenderness to expand, having the body I want slim, muscular, I pictured myself interacting with the kids, patiently, lovingly and many joyful fun moments with them. I pictured Sean and I having fun, laughing, being romantic and loving with each other. Ok, I pictured even more intimate things, that I won't go into- TMI..I pictured myself and my family happy and harmonious. I envisioned myself feeling loving toward all of my friends and some of them that I might have not be feeling so well with. I felt strong and powerful, as I did all this, I just knew that all of this could happen. I enjoyed just envisioning all of it. I envisioned, a strong, healthy body, I envisioned myself being drawn to do things that would help my body be healthy and strong, choosing the foods my body needs and exercising in the way that my body wants. I envisioned myself being kind to myself, I envisioned myself expanding my creativity, my intuition, my connectedness. I envisioned myself henna-ing on my own, using my imagination instead of pictures. I envisioned so much more I can't remember it all. It was quite fun, and this morning when Gavin woke me up to say Happy Easter, as i was trying to fall back asleep, I kept envisioning all the things that I desired. And when I heard Gavin and Brianna fighting, instead of jumping out of bed and running down there, I envisioned them working through it and playing peacefully with eachother. They didn't come running up to tell on eachother so I guess they worked through it. I intend to do this each day, to picture all of the things I desire and imagine having them already. The key while doing this is to feel good while doing it. If I am imagining, feeling good in my body and expanding my slenderness, it will not help to feel bad because I am not as slender as I want. I have to feel good where I am at with my body, appreciate it as I am imagining, how else I would like my body. I so appreciate this feeling that I have, like all that I want will happen, and I can sit back and relax while it unfolds, and there's no hurry. That's how I feel today, and I would love to bottle this feeling and spray it on myself on the days that I need it. Yesterday we celebrated Hayden and Keegan's birthday with friends and family. I felt I had more fun at Gavin's party. Maybe because there was more people and I had to circle around more, and I guess I tend to clean thoughout the party, and I have to organize the presents and cake time. I wanted to sit on the blanket and just henna, and at one time I had the time, but didn't feel there was room, felt like I would be on the onskirts sitting behind everyone. There were some people that I was really wanting to spend some time with. That didn't feel so good, and I felt disappointed. And in my disappointment, I cut myself off from simple solutions. I now appreciate that this happened, because I am able to see something I am ready to let go of. It's ok to feel how I feel, and as I am feeling it, I could take the time to try to feel a little bit better and as i begin to feel better solutions will flow my way. I was able to relax and enjoy myself after cake and presents, and actually after the party emptied out a bit. We sat did henna, read our cards, talked and laughed. Some of my friends stayed behind and we were able to have an impromptu game night. And we all know how much I love playing games. It was a lot of fun. And afterward, I was able to have time on my own, because Sean went to bed and that's when I began to feel so good. I have to share this, because it made me feel so good. We played balderdash, it's where you make up your own definitions to words, movies etc. Sean had some nice things to say about one of my answers without knowing it was mine. He picked one of my answers because he said it was very creative. I consider Sean to be one of the most creative people I know, and so coming from him, it was huge. Keeping in mind, that for so long I didn't think I was the least bit creative. My perspective has certainly change, however there's always room for expansion in my thoughts about it. I don't know if he even realizes how much it meant, I will have to let him know. Things I am ready to let go of: my belief that I am inadequate or not good enough, my belief that I am fat and unattractive, my belief that I can't change, the worry of what other people think of me, the habit of trying to please others to my detriment, the belief that I am not creative, the habit of rushing through things rather then enjoy them, the habit of of rushing around and feeling bad. Things i am ready to allow: joy, love and harmony. I am ready to allow self love of me and my body, expansion of my love for my family and friends, I am ready to love unconditionally, I 'm ready to hear my Inner guidance and spirit guides, I am ready for my intuition to expand, for my creativity to bloom, to feel good being me, I am ready to visualize the things I desire, I am ready to deliberately create, i am ready to feel good, I am ready to allow good feeling thoughts, i am ready to be happy in my body, I am ready to allow wellbeing and good health, I am ready to have a strong, healthy, slender body, I am ready to be open to new friendships and expanding existing relationships. I am ready to allow harmony into our household and I spiritual solutions to any problems, I am ready to be open, I am ready to allow financial abundance, and all abundance of good into my life, I am ready to allow wellbeing into my life, I am ready to allow all types of love and affectionate, I am ready to accept help when it's offered, I am ready to allow my own Guidance, I am ready to allow time for all that I want to do. I am ready to allow all of the good things, I haven't posted. Wow this feels good..I will post a second post about my cards of the day, since this one has become so long. In Love and Appreciation, D

my intentions and cards for today, Saturday, April 15th

2006-04-15T08:38:00.000-04:00

Today is the day of Hayden and Keegan's birthday party. I intend to enjoy myself. I intend to feel relaxed and yet excited about the day. I intend to appreciate being with my wonderful family and friends. I intend to appreciate the whole wonderful day. We'll be outside in the beautfiul weather, watching the kids enjoy themselves, and laughing. Hayden and Keegan, will have a joyful birthday party. Brianna and Gavin will love being around their friends. All will be well. There will be enought time to get all that I want to get done for the party, done in time. All the help I need will be available, we'll have enough food and things will be easy. My cards for today: Abe:Anything I can imagine being, doing or having-I can be, do or have. Got the message and will imagine more of what i want. I practice the Science of Deliberate Creation. My purpose in life is joy! Great card for today. Goddess: Diana:Focused Intention:"Keep your unwavering thoughts, feelings and actions focused on your target and you will make your mark." I intend to keep my thoughts focused on enjoying this day and allowing it to unfold easily. Aine:Leap of Faith:"Take a risk and put your heart's true desire into action!" I intend to trust my intentions and myself and know that I am fully supported by spirit. Freyja:Bold:"unleash your adventurous side! Take risks and be daring." I intend to appreciate my body and keep going out of my comfort zone. My tarot: The universe Six of stones The hanged man I intend to read into these later while I am with my friends. In Love, Light and Appreciation, D

Cards for Friday April 14th

2006-04-14T16:20:00.000-04:00

I just love my cards today. Goddess: Isolt: Undying Love:"The love you have shared is eternal, regardless of the situation." -A deceased loved one sends you love and hello..My father again. Thank you dad, everytime i see that card I feel that it's you and it's comforting. Eireen:Peace:"thereis no need to worry, as everything is working out beautifully." Ahhh this morning I wanted her and was so happy to see her. She helps me focus on remaining calm. My intention is to choose peacefulness. Hathor:Receptivity:"allow yourself to receive. This will increase your intuition, energy, and ability to give to others." I was glad to see this card. As I am focusing on increasing my intuition and energy. This card felt really good. Abe cards: I see this day as a positive, new beginning. Today and tomorrow can be very different from yesterday if you can let yesterday go and focus on today. Today and tomorrow are about your NOW vibration, and you have complete control over that. Look for things to feel good about, and watch how everything in your life will unfold to reflect that good-feeling vibration. I love this card-it's such a refreshing card, with a wonderful message, the past doesn't matter only today. I envision more and act less. As you take the time to find images in your mind that are pleasing, you will more often achieve vibrational alignment with all things you desire. Inspired action is very satisfying and extremely productive. I intend to picture the things that I want in my mind. I intend to do this throughout the weekend. How wonderful I am! We are wanting to awaken within you, your memory of how wonderful you are How good you are, and how worthy of whatever you are wanting you are. It felt nice to get this card, in the hustle and bustle of life I sometimes forget this message, and I appreciated getting the message this morning and having it with me throughout this day. tarot: Past position: Nine of swords: this card shows the upper body being stabbed by nine swords. I was surprised at this card, because I haven't been feeling treated badly by friends, however, there have been days I haven't been treating myself so nicely and there are times I don't feel treated nicely by the kids. mainly, I got that the card was about how I had been treating myself. Just glad it's a past card. Present: Mother of stones: very cool a golden woman meditating in the center of a start, with a white chakra halo over her head and white gems floating above her and ancient coins with symbols on them. I felt immediately that this was a very positive card, that I would achieve a feeling of peacefulness and have a growth with my intuition. the book says: prosperity and oneness,being able to enjoy the best in life, generousity and wealth, abundance, a charitable soul. Three of cups: three golden cups pouring into a large body of golden water. This card feels peaceful, it feels abundant, it feels never ending. It feels like many good things coming my way, specifically the things I have been focusing on. Abundance of joy, intuition, fun, money, slenderness..book says: full expressing all your emotions, communicating all your feelings, feeling unique and wonderful, an emotional healing, Speaking out with compassion, having friends, family and loved ones surround you in a festive soiree. A problem is resolved, feeling healthy and happy..I'll take all of that please. Tomorrow is the twins' party where we will have many loved ones around in a sort of soiree-it will be fun.. My gall bladder has been hurting a lot today. I feel it's going to be bad tonight, in a sort of healing way, and that I will feel great tomorrow. I intend to release the pain, and allow healing, I intend to allow wellness and wellbeing into my body. In love and Light, D

Happy birthday Hayden & Keegan..(added birth story)

2006-04-14T15:53:00.000-04:00

wow three years ago, my water broke and off to the hospital I went. 3 years ago two little baby boys became a part of our family and we went from a family of four to a family of six. It was quite an adjustment for us and I felt for sure I was in over my head. Hayden was the anxious one, who cried easily and frequently, Keegan was a little more easy going. I remember laying them in their crib together and they'd always squirmed their way close to each other. It was quite touching. I took a picture of them in the middle of the night one time, and they were as close to eachother as they could get, face to face, with their arms interlaced. Hayden and Keegan are very different and at the same time, very aware of each other. Sometimes, I am still surprised that I had twins. Today, Hayden is still cautious, and still can cry bloody murder, at the same time, he's so affectionate, and loves to play rough. Keegan, loves attention, especially from females, and he often flirts with everyone. When he smiles, it's huge and it lights up his face. Hayden loves attention from males, and will approach men and sit in their laps. Hayden has been sucking on his finger since he was born, and still does, Keegan has sucked and his thumb since he was born and still does. Keegan has a special pillow that he loves and brings with him everywhere. In October, Keegan had a case of Interssuppucion-spelling is wrong, it's where part of the intestines folds over and causes a blockage. We were air lifted to Arnold Palmer. I am writing about this because it helps show his personality, he just went with the flow. With all the poking and prodding and even the helicopter ride, I couldn't ride back by him, and the helicopter guys, would give him the mic so I could here him talking. I was amazed at how he handled it all. He was so trusting. Hayden reminds me so much of Gavin, his mannerisms, his cry, it's so similar. Hayden is in a stage where he says a word and wants you to repeat it quickly and loudly, and if you don't he screams the word at you until you do it. Hayden, tends to boss Keegan around, and Keegan tends to be the one that teases. They sit side by side and Keegan will put his hands or feet on Hayden and he just hates it, and he'll yell, "Keecan, hands in wap" which is Keegan hands in lap. Hayden is the one, to bring things to Keegan, like juice or toys. Hayden also tends to play with Keegan more, he loves it when keegan goes upstairs and they play in their room together. It's fun to think back to when they were babies, and I was nursing the both of them, and they'd hold hands, they really have given me wonderful memories. As much as they have kept/keep me running, that aspect is really getting easier. This is such a wonderful age, I do appreciate them and their antics. They love to find new places for their toys and diapers and books. Many times, I have cleaned their room to go into it to find that they are in their pulling their clothes out of their drawers, taking their books out of the bookshelves and mixing up all their wooden pieces. Sometimes it can be challenging, to not let the small stuff get to me. Like on Wednesday, Keegan got a hold of a blue marker and decorated many walls with it. My friend was over which I think helped me to keep a sense of humor about it. These are the things we'll look back and laugh over. After their first birthday, there was a time when they'd rip their diapers off, with a poopy diaper and I would come in to say good morning and they'd both be covered from head to toe in poop.. Ah yes, fond memories. There's also the memory of when they first started hugging each other, or when they each gave me their first kiss, or the sound of their first laugh, or their first smiles, or what they looked like when they first ate babyfood. Many wonderful memories. I am so appreciative that they came into my life, they have helped me grow in so many ways, and I feel truly blessed. I love you Hayden, I love you Keegan! In Appreciation, D Just found the link to their birthstory that I wrote about a week after they were born, and wanted to post it so that I would always have it. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-psapr03&msg=6785.1&ctx=0

oooh acupuncture...& cards for April 13th

2006-04-13T17:01:00.000-04:00

Last night I had acupuncture. It was really relaxing and peaceful. I had many acupuncture needles put into my back, she feels it's an inflammed gallbladder. My back pain went away and the pain on my right side dissipated quite a bit. It was a neat feeling, sometimes it felt like waves going over my back and other times I felt a wave of coolness. I enjoyed it. I can line up with it to give me relief from my physical ailments. We just got home from the park. I really enjoyed myself, keegan was tired and I think had a belly ache, so he cuddled in my arms a lot of the time. I enjoyed being outside in the sun, on such a beautiful day. Gavin and Brianna had so much fun. Hayden played a lot. It was just a really nice day, and it was fun to watch the mom's beading, or henna-ing. I am looking forward to tomorrow. It's Hayden and Keegan's third birthday! I will post tomorrow, all about them and how they have affected my life and family. That will be fun. Tomorrow, Sean is taking off, and we have P.E., so more time outside during this beautiful weather. Then around 12 the homeschool P.E. class has pizza and hangs out playing games. It will be fun, and Sean will get to be a part of it. Then Saturday, we're having Hayden and Keegan's party. I am so looking forward to that! A time to celebrate with family and friends, and be outside playing. We have some fun days ahead of us. Tonight I do need to get things done for the party and Easter, I haven't done anything. Sometimes, I feel myself getting overwhelmed and then I remind myself to take it easy, it will all get done. I have been focusing on meditating lately, and funny enough, a friend asked me today to meditate with her in an evening sometime soon. I thought that was neat especially since I have been putting some energy there. My cards for today.. Abe: When I appreciate I feel so very good. It's so true when, I sit here typing about the things I have enjoyed today, it does put me into a good feeling mood. It is not my work to control others. Yes, I need to focus on myself and creating my own reality, without trying to limit others. I envision more and act less. I intend to focus more on the things I desire, what a wonderful reminder. i love my Goddess cards today: Coventina:Purification:"it is time for a cleansing detoxification of your body and mind." I feel I am giving my body lots of attention, and this card affirms for me to keep it up. Isolt:undying love: "the love you have shared is eternal, regardless of the situation." Another hello from my father! Eireen:Peace:'There is no need to worry, as everything is working out beautifully." this card is like a breath of fresh air I love her message. And I intend to focus on it, and reminding myself of her message whenever I feel peace slipping away. tarot cards: past card: the wheel of fortune, it shows a golden hand reaching up toward a wheel. The first thing that came to mind for me, reaching for better feeling thoughts. The wheel represents the different thoughts that I can choose, the hand symobizes the "reaching" The shows that I have been reaching for better thoughts. present card: The Hermit: Shows a man in a cave seeking an orb of light. I get that I am seeking out my spiritual side, my inner being, and that I need to allow time for that to happen, and give myself quiet time, with all of these activities and busy days coming up, I still need to give myself the opportunity to appreciate quieting my mind and stilling my body. Future card:Emperor: a man with a staff,standing between pillars, with almost like his head engulfed in a sun and rays and above that is purple and blue cloud of sort with a light shining in the middle. I see connectedness, divine intuition, strength, creativeness..I see this card as telling me I can create whatever I want specifically financial abundance. It's interesting to note that almost everytime I pick three cards, I usually get a major arcana card, and this time all of my cards were major acrana. Til tomorrow, In Love and Light, D

Cards for Wednesday April 12th

2006-04-12T09:08:00.000-04:00

I had a fun filled night last night with my friends. Sometimes I look in wonder like wow, I can't believe that what I wanted for years finally manifested, or I finally let it in. Since Sean and I moved to Florida, almost 11 years ago, we have been wanting a circle of friends. Sean would say it'd be great to have many friends to have barbeques or just do things with. I don't mean to say that we didn't have any friends, we had our really close friends N & J , R & V, and of course my brother & J, and then other friends we don't stay in contact with as much. What I am saying is that with the other friends we don't keep in contact with much anymore, we'd try to arrange get togethers or couples' night and it would be hard to make it happen. With all of my current friends, it's easy. All of our gatherings come together very easily and I love that. It feels really good. What's even better, is that Sean gets along with all of the husbands. And more then gets along, he enjoys hanging out with them. I really appreciate that I am surrounded by exceptionally fun and loving friends, it makes life even more fun, and I appreciate that it's really what I wanted and was focused on and it happened. And when it happened it really happened! Not like just one new friend or something, but a whole bunch ;) So I am feeling better than I have been. Even today, with how tired I am, I feel good. Many times my tiredness could lower my mood. It feels really good, to feel better than i have been feeling. I should acknowledge that I did it, I set my intentions to feel better and I made it happen. It was wonderful yesterday to get that break at Life class, and have someone else watching my children. And what a job one mom did w/ three of my boys. I went into the nursery and loved seeing them all get a long. My first instinct was to go down the road of beating myself up, like why can't I ....but I stopped myself, I thought, wow she has her intentions and expectations quite clear with what she expected from my children. And she used her voice quietly and politely. I can do that and I do that at times. Good for me, for being nice to myself and for caring enough about myself to want to feel better. Here are my cards: Goddess: I asked for a card to be like today and I got : Maeve: Cycles and Rhythms:"Honor the cycles of your body, energy levels, and emotions." That reads to me honor my body, appreciate my body as is through the ups and downs. I feel I am even taking the extra step of honoring my body, by seeing an acupuncturist tonight, which I know will do my body good. Lakshmi:Bright Future:"Stop worrying Everything is going to be fine." I can take this and apply that to something I was worrying about late last night after everyone left. I won't go into the details at this time, but just applying her message to the situation, feels very peaceful. Vesta: Home:"Your household situation is improving, either through a move or healthy change in occupants." I keep getting her, and I know we're not moving or changing occupants, however her card can signify increased harmony flowing through the house and I would love that, so I'll just go with that. Abe cards: The harder I push against it, the more I attract its essence. What are the things that I am pushing against, I know ,I in a sense push against myself and my children. We are all working toward the same goal: JOY. A great card for me to remember throughout the day. Whatever I give attention to-wanted or unwanted -I am creating. This goes hand in hand with my first card and I will focus my attention on the things I want for myself today. My three tarot cards past:ten of cups present:ace of stones future: the star The ten of cups has, all of these gold goblets lined up, in front of a pyramid and a bright sun. It feels triumphant, like how I felt yesterday..yay I feel better. Ace Of stones: a floating bolder with a rainbow, and wings..it's a beautiful card one that represents, good feelings, good friends, lots of joyful things. The Star:A woman pouring back into the the ground, with a very bright star in the background. When I nuture others I nuture myself and when I nuture myself, I nuture others, today this card feels like a giving /nuturing card, that I will be giving to others and myself and feeling great about it. I feel really good about all of my cards today, and I intend to keep them in mind throughout the day and I intend to focus on all the things I love about myself, my life and my family. In Love, & Appreciation, D

Yay for relief

2006-04-11T16:58:00.000-04:00

I made it thru leading life class, I think I did the best job I could possibly from where I was at, although the first thought were that I sucked. Now my views are more gentle to myself. I just felt so nervous on the stage and after it was done, I almost wanted to cry because I felt I had made a fool out of myself,however I felt better as the kids worked on the craft. Then I spent time cleaning and it was a nice break. It was nice that the boys spent time with other moms and I got to be without them for a while. The I had some spontaneous accupressure (one of the moms is an acupuncturist), for the burning pain that I have had on my side and back. I began to feel really relaxed and some of the pain let up. I am going tomorrow night to get some acupuncture, which will do my body lots of good. My mood has improved so much, it's so wonderful to feel a bit better. From here I can easily move into even better feeling place. I intend to feel even better and I have a fun night ahead. I get to hang out with my friends, which will I always love to do. I'll try to get back on later tonight to post my thoughts on my tarot cards and my cards for tomorrow. In Love and Light, D

cards for Tuesday April 11

2006-04-11T10:20:00.000-04:00

I will make this quick because I have things to do, however I intend to journal later, and for my focus to be getting into a more relaxed place, rather moving out of frustration into joy. Later today I intend to work up the emotional scale, I am ready for some relief. My Abe cards: first one I asked for Life class, I am feeling some anxiety about leading the class today. "I practice the Science of Deliberate Creation. Giving thought to anything is creation; giving deliberate thought to anything is deliberate creation. " Where are my thoughts on leading life class, well they are thoughts such as, is this good enough, is it long enough, is there enough to do, how will I sound as I am speaking, what others will think of me, these thoughts sound like I am feeling inadequate. Not a fun feeling. How do I want to feel, I want to feel as though everything will work out fine. I want to feel good about myself and the work that I have put together. It would be nice to feel excited about leading the class, it would be nice to feel happy to contribute to a wonderful home school activity. It would be nice to feel how Brianna is feeling about it, she's completely psyched that I will be leading the class. It would feel great, if it didn't matter what others thought, if I just felt good about me. I intend to relax and allow better feelings and thoughts in. I intend to let these old thoughs fade away, I'd like to make room for more positive thoughts. Next card was for me: "whatever abundance I seek is mine (it is law).." I have received this card several times. What am I seeking, today I a want to feel better, I want to allow in more positive feelings and thoughts. I want to feel good about leading life class, and I want to feel more connected and positive. I want things to feel easier with the kids and I want us to get along more. I want us to have more joyful moments. next card: "The Law of Attraction, the most powerful Universal Law, is my friend. You create with your every thought." I see a reoccurring theme for me this morning. I intend to focus on feeling better and I intend to look for the things I love about myself and keep them fresh in my thoughts. Goddess cards: Mother Mary:Expect a Miracle:"Have faith that your prayers have been heard and are being answered." She also says to let go of worrisome thoughts, keep thoughts positive, engage in spiritual healing and to notice and follow any divine guidance you may receive. I know what my worrisome thoughts are and I am focusing on filling my head with more positive, gentle thoughts. Maat:Fairness:"The situation will be handled in a fair and just manner." I am not sure what her message is for me today. However I will focus on allowing out the fairness of my Inner Being today. Mary Magdalene: Unconditional Love:"Love yourself, others, and every situation-no matter what the outward appearance may be." I know what this card is about. It's funny that I got all m's this morning. I intend to focus on be easy on myself and others and thinking kind thoughts. I will post my tarot card later. In Love, Light and Appreciation, D

wanting things to feel easier

2006-04-10T17:54:00.000-04:00

I am wanting things to come easier to me. I want to feel better and I want it to be easier. I want to find it easier to think of good feeling thoughts, I want it to be easier to appreciate myself. Today I did real well taking care of me today. A friend wanted to drop off her son, and normally no matter how I am feeling I usually say yes to having any of my children's friends over. Today I realized that I might need some time to take care of me. I usually pick up a friend's child tomorrow on the way home from Life class and I emailed her and told her not this week. I am also prepared to cancel out on Wednesday picking up yet another child if I am not feeling more centered by tomorrow. I normally try to do it all no matter how I am feeling and today I realized that I need to take care of myself. So I feel really good about that, I also took it easy today. During the twins nap time, i watched a show while I ate lunch and the older kids had quiet time. I caught myself worrying that I was being lazy when I should be doing this or that, and then took it easy on myself, by reminding myself that every day this week I have one or more things to do, and it's ok to relax a bit. I will be up a bit finishing up life class because i will be leading. It's still not coming as easy as I'd like, but I have a game plan so that feels better. Tonight I want to enjoy my time out in drama, enjoy the time I get to spend with my friend during and after the class, then I'd like to complete my lesson for tomorrow and enjoy it as I do it and for it to come easily. I'd like to spend some time with Sean and before bed, I would like to meditate and do reiki on myself. I intend to feel better,even if it means mean getting back on to journal some more. I want some relief from the frustration that I am in, and I want to be ok with where I am at. Actually thats where I need to focus being ok with where I am at. I am off for now.. In Love,Light and appreciation.. D

Day did get better and Cards for Monday, April 10th

2006-04-09T23:23:00.000-04:00

We all went for a bike ride together, which was really nice. I'd like to to that more often. I was nervous here and there with the kids, however, I can work through that. Sean's mood improved dramatically and Brianna didn't give us anymore issues. We all went grocery shopping afterward, and came home to eat Chinese food together. I am so glad the rest of the day was more enjoyable. My cards for tomorrow:I picked four of abe and four of goddess..feeling like I need the extra support Abe: When I am feeling good, I am allowing in my good. I intend to pay attention to how I am feeling and focus on feeling the best I can feel in each situation. It is not my work to control others. you cannot control others but you can control and create your own reality. As always, it's an important card for me to focus on especially in regards to the kids. I intend to focus on myself tomorrow, focusing on choosing my thoughts carefully. My happiness is my greatest gift to others. This is a wonderful validation for me, especially after today. My joy doesn't depend on the approval of others. Tomorrow I intend to thing better feeling thoughts regardless of how others are feeling around me. Tomorrow I intend to feel good. This Goddess card fell out first: Vesta:Home:"your household situation is improving either trhough a move or a healthy change in occupants." May more harmony flow in our house. Damara:Guiding Children:"You are good at helping, counseling, and healing children. Use your skills to help children now." I intend to be guided in what is best for me and my children. Ixchel:Medicine Woman:"YOu are a channel for Divine healing power." I intend to be open to good health and well being and I intend to use Reiki on myself tomorrow night before bed. Hathor: Receptivity:"Allow yourself to receive. This will increase your intuition energy and ability to give to others." I intend to allow time for meditation, and visualization. I intend to be open to allowing expansion in my intuition and energy. My tarot cards: Daughter of wands the wheel of fortune Mother of cups I wasn't getting anything intuitively, so I will try to focus on them tomorrow and see what I come up with and post then. One last thing, I had a dream that I felt compelled to write about. It was about getting garbage out of my garage on garbage day. Silly huh? I felt like there was a whole bunch of garbage to take out and there were only two bags and I kept looking for the rest of the garbage to throw out, but there wasnt' anymore. This morning when I remembered this dream, I thought wow I am not as bad off as I think I am. It came to me, that the garbage bags represented the things about myself I want to get rid of/ or rather, behaviors I 'd like to replace with more positive ones. It seems that I slight myself, or see myself as worse off then I am. Like I have all this stuff that needs to be cleared out, when it's not quite as much as I think it is. And in the dream I am focusing on finding the trash to clear out, when it would serve me better to focus on what is in the garage that I want, focus on all those behaviors that I have that I like. Simple dream with a strong message. In Love, Light and Appreciation, D

Can I help make today better?

2006-04-09T13:25:00.000-04:00

I got my rest, and it felt great. I was awoken to screaming, Brianna. She was screaming at her father in a real irrational manner. He was past his point. I didn't like waking up to that. This is our weekend, our family time and now today everyone is just miserable. Sean is in a terrible place and I am feeling angry with his opinions of our children. I am feeling really pissed at this perceptions. He's viewing things in the most negative way and trying to convince me that he's right, but I won't go there. And he's pissed that I won't go there. He's pissed that I won't do things my way. He says he sees me trying to make myself feel better and not care about anyone else and nothing changes. I think he sort of blames me, for the troubles with the children. He says he's putting his foot down. His solutions don't feel good to me at all, and he wants me to go along with them. Like today, when Brianna was screaming at him and wouldn't stop, the through her lunch out and said that she lost her lunch. He feels that's what needs to be done. That doesn't resonate with me at all and I told him so, but he then wants me not to make her lunch and do you see what type of position that puts me in. I know he's feeling bad, powerless, angry and even depressed about the situations that have been arising with the kids. I know he doesn't know what to do, and to be honest I don't always know what to do either. He's comparing them to his brother, which then makes him feel worse, it's all a downward spiral and I am trying to stay on even ground. Right now I am feeling feelings of guilt and anger. I feel guilty for not having the answers for not being a better parent. Ok so I am on the downward spiral too. I want to feel peaceful. I got Eireen today and she assures us that all will be ok. I know what I feel guilty about, I feel guilty about taking care of me. Like right now I am typing this, and Sean is unloading the dishwasher, and I know he's feeling frustrated that I am blogging/journaling. At the same time, if I don't do the little things to take care of me, I won't be able to hold things together. And I will be the one home with the kids that are so good at pushing buttons this week. Really feeling guilty doesn't help. I need to get myself into a better feeling place because things will shift when i do, and good feelings can be contagious. Maybe cleaning is helping him feel better, maybe that is his way to work out his feelings. So Eireen says that even though things might seem chaotic that things are working out as they should. Right now, Brianna is in a much better mood, she's playing nicely with Gavin. They are blowing bubbles at each other and catching some. That's nice that they are getting along. With all that happened in the last couple of hours, they have found a way to feel joyful, the twins, have found a way to nap and get the rest they need. Things are working out, it's just Sean and I that are having a hard time letting go of the events. He wants to go bike riding but doesn't feel Brianna deserves it. I think bike riding could help everyone enjoy themselves and help Sean feel some relief. Maybe when the twins wake up i will suggest it and see how he responds. I am feeling a bit better. And i am trying to focus on the positives right now. The older kiddies have invented their own game and are having a lot of fun, Gavin's laughing in that way that I love when he's really having fun. Brianna's playing nicely and happy. It's nice to see they found a way to feel better together without mine or Sean's help. Reminds me of how powerful they are. And it's nice to watch them be happy. Last night we had fun, focusing on that could help. Especially with my feelings toward Sean. We played games with our friends and just laughed all night long. Sean has a great sense of humor and is really good at making everyone laugh, at one point he did something so funny, and I had just taken a sip and I had to spit it out in the sick or have it come out my nose. A & B also are really funny. So getting us altogether, is pretty hilarious. I love laughing, and I love being around fun people. I appreciate nights like last night, where I have fun, laugh a bunch, hang out with people I love to hang out with, and playing games-which I love. I appreciate that I get to have so many fun adult nights with my friends. My intentions are to take a bath, to play with my children, to focus on the the things i love about Sean and the kids, to remember that taking care of me, is very important. I intend, to ignore the things I don't want to see in Sean and the kids and even me. And I will keep paying attention to the things I love about them. I appreciate how nicely and lovingly Brianna and Gavin are playing together. They are sharing with eachother, and laughing with eachother, and it brings out the best in them. It reminds me that they are fun loving, sweet, creative little kids, and really they just want our attention and to have fun. They love laughing, and even a simple little game they made up brings them great joy. Gavin's got a great giggle and it's great to see Brianna feeling so much better. Earlier Hayden and Keegan, sat with me while I read books to them, and it was so nice. They kept bringing me books and saying read book read book. And just to sit and cuddle while reading was nice. You could tell they really loved that. I appreciate the ways Sean can make me laugh, I appreciate his sense of humor and his laugh. It's great. Normally, he's loving and extremely patient with the kids, he's also very affectionate with them. I appreciate how he's working through his feelings he's got the whole kitchen clean and shiny. I will write later, to go over the rest of the day and to help keep myself in a better feeling place. In Appreciation, D

Cards for Sunday, April 9th

2006-04-09T09:16:00.000-04:00

Today I am feeling tired. Our friends were over for game night and we didn't get to bed til after 1am. It was my turn to get up early. I picked my cards with a very foggy, tired head. However, I thought it was important to pick my cards, to help me focus on feeling more energetic and help me regain my feelings of clarity and well being. I will post a separate journal entry later about yesterday and feelings for today. Abe cards: First card, I asked for a card to help me in how I was feeling: I am selfish enough to want to feel good. Feeling good indicates your connection to clarity, wellness and an abundance in all good things. Feeling good is your most natural core belief. The part that resonates for me is "connection to clarity" It feels good to think about taking a nap when Sean wakes up. As I lay there comfortable and only taking care of me for that time, yes that helps to think of that. It's wonderful that today I have the opportunity to take a nap and it also makes me feel good to know that Sean is still sleeping and getting the rest he needs/wants. I intend to nap and wake up feeling energize, feeling well and even more clarity. Then I asked for a card for Bri and I, because i was feeling impatient and focusing on her cranky behavior. "No one else needs to know this. It is not necessary for even one other person to understand these Laws of the Universe...for you are the attractor of your experience. Just You!" Great reminder for me to remember that I am attracting this conflict with Brianna, and that shifting my focus of thoughts will bring out other sides of her. Last card I asked for one card to keep in mind all day: "I look for more reasons to appreciate. The more I appreciate, the better I feel. The better I feel, the more I am allowing who I am to flow through me. The more I allow who I am to flow through me- the better i feel." I will remind myself of this today, and focus on appreciating whenever I can. Goddess cards: I asked for the Goddess cards whose messages I most needed for today Eireen: Peace:"There is no need to worry as everything is working out beautifully." I love this card and it's very soothing. She also tells us to meditate, nap, do yoga etc..Today I intend to nap, meditate and remember that everything will work out. Sulis: Bodies of water: "Spend time near water, such as a lake river, or the the ocean, to recharge your batteries." She mentions, drinking lots of water, taking a bath... I have been wanting to go to the beach, the weather is iffy today so I don't know if it will happen, but soon. I am drinking lots of water, and I could take a bath after my nap. Isolt: Undying Love: "The love you have shared is eternal regardless of the situation." She also says " Your are healing from a loss,your deceased loved one is happy and sends you love." This made me smile, I felt strongly it was my dad saying hi. It felt nice to get this card, especially since I was asking for him to let me know he was around. I picked three tarot cards and couldn't see anything in them or feel anything. I had to look in the book right away where usually I don't. I decided to put them back and pick three more. These three I could easily read. Past card: five of cups, the sky is cloudy, with two birds flying overhead, with four cups pouring into a green cup, with a light shining beneath. Like emotional struggle with a some hope..book says: unbalanced emotions,worried about the future, regretting the past. Present card: The hermit: A man seeking light, there's an owl, representing wisdom, and that's where I feel right now, I want to go lay down, meditate & nap, connect with my Source and feel better. This card is perfect for me right now. Book says: going within, gaining wisdom, taking care of oneself before helping others, a time to be away from pressures of life, solitude, developing inner light, a guru,teacher comes forward,working on ones inner self, taking the time to listen. Future card: Ace of stones beautiful card, a huge rainbow, large boulder with an animal, wings extend from the boulder and it does seem to be floating about water.. This card felt extremely positive, like freedom, abundance in health friends, finances, love, etc..Felt like I'd be soaring and feeling connected, joyful and wonderful. book says:perfect time to take action,prosperity and success are coming as blissful gifts, feeling as though you can soar above your troubles,treasures of the soul surface,financial wealth,good health, togetherness,magical outcomes,creativity, growth and bliss. What a way to end my reading! Looking forward to all of that! In Appreciation, D

2006-04-08T00:44:00.000-04:00

Yes, I should go to bed, I am tired, however, I just spent the last 20 minutes drawing love note/pictures for the kids. I really want tomorrow to start off nicer, and I want my kids to wake up feeling loved. So as I got there cups of juice ready i wrote messages on their cups, like I love you, Gavin is great. Then I was inspired to leave out pictures for them, on Brianna's it said things like Brianna is loved, ....is heard...is joy....is special etc..then on the bottom I wrote turn over to see what you remind me of, and I draw a rainbow heart, w/ rainbow and butterlies and I wrote that she is the rainbow in my world. For Gavin i wrote similar messages and drew a big sun and wrote he was my sunshine. I just emailed Sean an email, sharing with him all the things I appreciate about him from his eyes to his laugh, to his kindness, to his support. I want us all to enjoy eachother tomorrow and have fun and I think it helps to share with them my appreciation of them. Something I have to share. Just shows what a wonderful person Sean is and how open and loving he can be. I was showing him the jade crystal elephant that I bought for my nanny and he saw all the other stuff I ordered. So he asked me how much I spent. I was stalling, because I was nervous to tell him. So he's asking and I finally build up the courage and say 198 bucks. His response- "oh well good, I am glad you are finding your creative outlets, it's so good to see. I want you to keep it up. Geez I thought you were going to tell me 6oo bucks or something." I went right over and hugged him and thanked him for being so wonderful and supportive and positive. What a great guy I have attracted into my life, I am truly blessed. In Appreciation, D