Yesterday

I really had a bad nights sleep the night before last. I couldn't fall asleep, my mind was racing and I couldn't seem to soothe it. I don't think journaling about serious-unhappy stuff is all that good for my sleep. Better to journal about the hard stuff earlier in the evening or afternoon. It would probably help to feel better about things before I sleep, I just don't always know how to feel better over my father. So yesterday, I woke up feeling really tired and just not well. Lack of sleep tends to make me even more sensitive and can really affect my mood in a negative way. Getting ready for the beach was nice, I didn't feel rushed, and I appreciated taking my time. We got to the beach and of course Keegan wanted to go right in the water (and boy was it cold) but I was able to get them busy doing other things. I felt ok, not great, my body didn't feel all that well-had a headache, had this feeling in my chest, like a rock or better a block. It didn't feel good, it hurt. But I tried to focus on how beautiful the water looked with the sun shining on it and how nice the ocean sounded. Friends began arriving, and I took Keegan into the water. It was so cold, it was hard at first. However, it began to feel so refreshing, since it was such a hot day. The waves were huge and over my head. The only time I began to feel joyful yesterday, was when I was in the water. I'd visualize the ocean washing away the hurt feelings and filling me up with peace and love. It's no surprise the waves were so big, it sort of represents where I am at. Feeing out of control with big waves of emotion, bigger than I want, way over my head, able to knock me down. The big waves of the ocean were fun to me. I enjoyed jumping over them or bracing myself for a big one. There was never a wave that knocked me down, so maybe symbolically, I am not being knocked down emotionally either, but maybe being crashed into and keeping my balance-just barely, and with the strong rip tide, being pulled and pushed. Kind of neat to look at it that way. The ocean is very cleansing, and maybe what I am going through will be a big healing for me. In the ocean I feel like a kid again. I anticipate the really big waves and feel a thrill when one is coming. Just like a kid. I need more of those moments of being "just like a kid." Maybe that's why I like the ocean so much-it helps me to feel like a kid again. That's probably one of many many reasons, I adore the ocean. When i was out of the water, I felt like an outsider. I know it's the place I was in doing that. It's always so disappointing though when I begin to feel outside and disconnected from my friends, I feel like I have come such a far way emotionally and who likes to regress? Actually, maybe it's not regressing, maybe it's just being in a sad place and feeling disconnected because of my pain. We left early afternoon and I got home and got the kids showered. My friend, who came out from Orlando to see me, followed me home from the ocean. I began to shift a bit. Her energy was so laid back and loving, it was sort of contagious. I felt some of my dark mood lift a bit. We talked and caught up. It's been so long since we were able to do that. And I realized just how much I had missed her. And I decided to really put in an effort to see her on a monthly basis. I think her and I can alternate and we already decided that next month I will come see her without kids. My boys were so sweet to her baby. Hayden kept hugging him, and Gavin was very gentle and loving. Her boy is so cute. Such a baby still. He'd crawl around making these cute baby talking sounds. He kept putting his head down on whoevers lap was closest. What a cuddle bug he is. I showed my friends all of the things I had been doing and we drew cards together. As we talked we were interrupted many times, by my cranky boys, by leaky diarrhea diapers, and even vomit. I began to feel horrible that she was over while this was going on. She never flinched. I thought she'd go when Hayden had dairrhea, but she didn't mind. Then when Hayden vomited, I thought for sure she'd leave. Heck I would have! well guess it depends if I were in orlando. I loved her perspective: she pointed out that he had just eaten, and then we were pushing him super high in the swing in the heat. I felt better with that explanation. He ended up eating and being fine, so I think she was right. He does have a bug though, because he had diarrhea a few more times and he did it on the potty. Yay Hayden. Keegan was unbelievably tired, and had a runny nose. It got really chaotic around 3:30, but the craziness of the Friese house didn't seem to affect her, I ended up staying centered and relaxed. I didn't feel worried that she was thinking this or that, or regretting that she came. She seemed geniunely happy to be at my house. It was a fresh of breath air, and I emailed her that she was like that for me. We picked cards together and I loved mine! I got Eireen Peace:"there is no need to worry, as everything is working out beautifully" I really got a lot from this card, I always do. Sedna:infinite Supply: "you are supplied for today and all of you tomorrows." Fairy: Creative expression-I keep getting her! And I feel I have many creative outlets right now. Vacation-got her again-I hope this means our vacation will happen as planned..little concerned since the kids have a bit of a bug. my abe card: How wonderful I am. We are wanting to awaken within you the memory of how wonderful you are! How good you are, and how worthy of whatever you are wanting you are. I needed this card yesterday. Relinquish control:today's lesson:Identify one person you feel the need to control, and think about why that power is so essential to you. What do you fear if your hold is released? Your goal: to recognize how much stress is generated in your body through the need to control someone else. This also was a needed card for me. My tarot: Eight of swords-which looks like something preventing me from what I want.. Six of swords-which my friend helped me get looks like a breakthrough, and then the chariot which looks like someone receiving and giving out their power-maybe I will find my balance and give away less of my power-yes i will have a breakthrough that will result in me receiving and keeping my power. I am grateful that I got to spend sometime with a friend who was such a positive influence on me, that she was able to help me feel a bit better. I look forward to seeing her next month. In Appreciation, D~